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can i trust them?
Okay today I was with my boyfriend in the school lobby waiting for his mom to pick him up. His insanely jealous ex was circling us like she always does, might I add. When his mom was there, we said goodbye and I turned to go home. Later though I found out that his ex had gotten into the car with him and they hung out all day. He wouldn't have told me if I hadn't asked what he did today though. So should I be upset? Should I be able to trust them together alone? His ex would do anything to make him cheat on me to get him back and so I do NOT trust her. But I don't know if I can trust my boyfriend. I want him to tell me if anything's upsetting him but he never does. So I don't know, what should I do? Talking to him never solves anything..
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"Talking to him never solves anything?"..are you talking about the right things? Are you asking the right questions?
If my boyfriend/fiancee/husband/sig other, hung out with his ex all day long and didn't own up right away..well, as some of you've seen me say "BIG RED FLAG".
Why did he hide it? Either
A. He's guilty,
B. He fears what will happen if you found out that they did something he would consider harmless- and you would consider a tragedy.
Or C. BOTH with B being worse than what I suggested.
Males, especially at that age, are, unfortunately weak when it comes to being able to fight off a seduction. More unfortunate is that some of them grow out of it, some of them don't.
Can you trust her? As you say yourself she'd do ANYTHING.
The bigger question, and this is the one I really cannot answer because I don't know your boyfriend, is CAN YOU trust him?
YES, you have a right to be upset. NOT only because he hung out with his ex; but MORE IMPORTANTLY because he didn't keep the communication lines open with you, and let you know right away what he (planned on doing) or was doing. Those little gadgets we call phones are everywhere nowadays, no excuses there...all he had to do was pick it up and give you a call.
Whether he did anything or not is really secondary to the fact that he, as your committed boyfriend, kept this information from you. That is what you need to concentrate on..the rest: time and instinct will tell; it always does one way or the other.
The problem here is really about how much you trust each other...how open are you with each other? Can he tell you most of his deep dark secrets without you freaking out? and visa-versa?
If your going to go on in a loving relationship then you both have to be responsible enough to know when your hurting each other and put it to a halt. AND if, by chance or accident, one of you hurts the other, that person should be ABLE to come forward right away with their information without being scared of the consequences, you should be able to sit and TALK (note I didn't say argue) it out, and decide whether forgiveness is in order- or what punishment should fit the crime (yes, believe it or not, you can both agree that he gets "punished" for his actions).
Calmness goes SUCH a long way. Keeping a calm demeanor (even if your insides are a complete wreck) will, also, often confuse those that you are angry at and they will often become more open with the truth!
Let me share just ONE story about how to keep a calm demeanor. When I was about 22, my boyfriend, we'll call him J, at the time, and I were sitting on the couch (in a place we rented with other couples and partied a lot in btw). We were feeding each other strawberries (very romantic you all should try it sometime!)..anyway, a couple of the "party" girls showed up, one being an old fling of his. We'll call party girl AMY and, old fling girl DENISE. Okay, so Denise comes in and says, "J, I need to talk to in private on the porch." and proceeded to go outside. Amy then said,"Are you going to let her talk to your boyfriend that way?" She was obvioulsy baiting me, as Amy and Denise were close friends. Now I could have stood up and ran to the porch to tell her off..or glared at him and said some ugly words or both..but instead:
I looked Amy straight in the eyes and said, "why not?", "J is his own person he knows the consequences if he follows her out onto the porch."
J, without skipping a beat, piped up in front of them both (and this was VERY important) to say, "uh uh, I'm staying RIGHT here."
You need to make sure that you and your boyfriend know where the lines are drawn in your relationship: You need to really clarify- what is acceptable and what is not! And it cannot be onesided.
In the meantime, if you decide to keep him, try to stay calm and unruffled (she obviously is trying to pull your strings, and I hope he didn't fall for it). Chances are, if she did get away with something, the info will get back to you really soon. Sounds like she would be one that would brag to the first person she could come across, just so that she COULD break you both apart.
I don't want to TELL you what or what not to do regarding keeping this relationship; but he needs to know that if you are going to stick around and NOT HURT HIM that way, then he needs to tell you as these things are happening!! He HAS to be open with you
I actually had a guy have an affair on me in my youth because he was afraid to tell me that he made the mistake of cheating once, therefore, she actually used that one time to actually "threaten" him into bed with her several times over..his fear of telling me about it was her weapon. If he didn't stay having the affair with her: she was going to tell me!
See how important trust and communication can be? That's why you should not only be dating, but be best friends..
Ask him how he would feel if you hung out with your ex all day? If he says it would be okay..go ahead call his bluff, do as he did (but don't cheat on him)- but DO tell him when and where you plan on meeting your ex. If he really cares, he'll come running to stop you with promises galore (I just hope he keeps them in the long run). It wouldn't be a bad idea either, if his ex witnessed this.
Most importantly, he really needs to tell her, IN FRONT OF YOU, that friendship is all that he can give her. *try not to smirk at her if he agrees to this-remember: calm and cool.* Instead, kiss his face off for doing the right thing- right afterwards, and in her presence and re-instate your deep feelings towards him..a dramatic exit sometimes works well after this also..*lol-ahh memories*.
And if all heck breaks loose and you find out the worst happened, remember that it was HIM that made the commitment to you: NOT HER. AND it is him that you should blame..so, keeping with your calm demeanor, don't go scratching her eyes out with a point that will end up pointless. If it comes to this, you will need to sit and talk (whether he likes it or not) and decide whether you forgive him and, maybe, what his punishment should be!
If, the worst has happened and he refuses to talk to you about healing the wounds, then it might just be high time to "give him the boot". *just don't kick him too hard j/k-smile*
Hope this helps,
Jasmine
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I think you should trust your boyfriend, but tell him how you feel about this.
I know it feels weird when boyfriends are with their ex's.
(When I was with my exboyfriend, his ex used to basically throw herself at him to get his attention, and I hated that so much, but I trusted him and it was all ok :) )
If your boyfriend seems distant, or always busy, then something may be going on.
But your boyfriend is probably loyal and he won't do anything with her.
As stupid as this may sound, some guys don't realize when a girl is trying to have ''more than a friendship'' to ruin a current relationship between the guy and his girlfriend.
Hope this helped :)
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