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Long story, I feel hopeless.
I used to feel I was a very strong minded person, now I realize everyones problems are the same, just they come out in different ways. You see, I was a confident person, maybe I still am, but my life just isn't going right. Anybody who looks at me sees my once was confidence. I walk with confidence, and my countenance is confident. I look more confident then I feel at times, though I usually feel confident, when I feel unconfident, I still look confident. I have a lot to be proud of, and I'm taught to not feel like dirt for anybody, or to let my sadness show. See, I'm 14, a cheerleader, I was the freshman homecoming princess- only 1 freshman girl got on court-me, and I'm pretty according to many. I get good grades, boys chase after me, my family history- like my ancient and recent bloodline is very accredited. I'm not famous or anything, but my bloodline is like being related to the queen of 1/4th of a developing country. My problem is that I'm loosing it. I'm loosing my friends because of a pursuasive bitch- my "Friends" know i wont get mad and start drama if they ditch me, but if they ditch her, she'll start somthing. They all hate me and sneak around about it in the most indirect obvious bitchy way, and the gossip is horrible. I'm gossiped about a lot, people say its just jealousy, now I don't know. Lots of my friends are changing for the worst, so we're separated, and the good ones, I loose contact with in ways I can't control. I live under strict rules because im the only girl in my nuclear family, and my extended family females, especially my age have obvious issues. I feel as if my issues are worse than all theirs, but hidden very well. Thats just the way I am. Though I am the skinniest girl in my family, I'm not skinny, I'm not overweight, but I have strech marks. My hair is ugly to me, my grades aren't good enough, I'm not allowed to date or go out with my friends ever, so they get mad,forget about me, and the boys who liked me turned on me, they harrass me verbally, and it hurts. It makes me want to avoid them, not go to school on certain days- which I can't do, and lowers my confidence. People think I'm stuck up, and I feel like I don't have friends, I dont know who my real friends are, and my parents just say "I told you so." My family causes me grief, and people don't get me like they used to. I feel disgustingly hairy and ugly, and I smell bad nomatter how much I bathe (daily, lather untill i turn white), deoderize and purfume myself. I'm booring and nobody wants to talk to me. My parents will never let me get help. People point out my flaws such as these, yet people who claim to like me say opposite. I don't even know what i think about myself, and I dread school all the time. I sit with only 1 girl at lunch half the time. I don't know what to do anymore-I usually know the answers. I'm not suicidal, a cutter, anerexic or bulemic, but bipolar disorder, and ocd aren't foreign in my family. Lots of my family seems to have a facade of high self esteem when they really dont, and i think depression runs in the family, along with excessive stupidity.When I was 6 through 10, family life was hard, and when was 10 and 13, life wasn't easy. Now, things are going wrong. I don't know what to do, and what can help me, without my family freaking out. Big things are expected of me. I used to be really religious, then it drifted away, I guess with good times, and now im not as on fire for God as I used to be, this worrys me, I hope the devil isnt trying to work his way into my life.If you can help in any way, thanks, but if you even took time to read this, thanks. Just your opinion on my situation is fine. My family isn't full of good listeners. Thanks again.
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Well, i know high school is an ugly place-im there too. haha but you have to find the friends that really love you for you. i found mine at my church youth group. first off i encourage you to go to just sit down and talk to God about everything that is going on. the amazing thing is if you keep asking him for something and expect Him to come through for you He will. i had awful friends so my mom told me to pray and i prayed all summer and then i found the most amazing friends this year. He was clearly working in my life. Try to go to Him and ask for comfort and help. Tell Him you feel lost and need Him. He never left you but hes been waiting for you to come back. i know you probably are thinking "i already pray and go to Church its not like i gave up God' but there is a big difference between just believing in Him and living for Him.
God is what you need right now. Go to Him and everything else will follow. If you feel ugly take some time to pamper yourself-get your nails done or make a home spa-do something to make you feel pretty. also to help you feel happier and more confident make a list of everything you can thinkthat you love about yourself and make it at least 25 or so things. try and see how many you can get! think positively as much as you can. i know its hard but if you do you will start to feel happier and more confident and upbeat. maybe join a new club or try a new grup of people at you school and try branching out to other people. no offense but i bet the nicer people at your school arent the popular ones.
It will be hard but you can do it. And yes the devil is trying to get at you so go to God and ask for protection. dont think your a bad person but when someone does one thing wrong the devil goes and tries to get them to keep doing thingds against God. Everything WILL get better. I promise and God promises. If you need anymore help just ask and you may want to look into depression if you think you really are. earlier this yr i thought i was but i was just making myself depressed by focusing on the bad things in my life. i hope i helped and that everything works out well
HiChick
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Oh sweetheart! Bless your darling heart...
Well, I WILL say this, the devil isn't after you...if such a being exists I'm sure he'd have a long list of people to chase that came in line WAY before you ever would! So just get that out of your mind right now! The creator loves everyone..including you and he (she) isn't going to let some evil being try and take over your life.
You say that you exude confidence, but don't feel it? Yet..you know that you are popular..?
Do you ever have feelings of total control? or like your equal to God (creator)? Have days where you just KNOW that you are better than everyone else? During this time, do you have trouble sleeping?
Back to knowing that you are popular...if you are popular why do you think that you stink all the time?
And that you are ugly and hairy?
When you feel this way, do you just want to sleep and sleep all the time? Do you cry uncontrollably? And feel completely useless and uncared for?
I don't want to be the one to tell you what you seem to already suspect...
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Bi-polar/Manic Depression and OCD can be passed on genetically. And guess when they usually roar their ugly little heads first?
Yep, when you are right smack dab in the middle of teenage hell!
Stupidity may or may not run in your family..but I can tell you this: YOU ARE NOT STUPID, your reaching out, and that is a highly intelligent thing to do!
I took Psychology in college, but I didn't get far enough that I could help you with what I perceive could be a psychological problem. I did though spend twelve years with my severely bipolar, slightly schizophrenic, topped off with a severe case of PTSD...husband-person.
You could just be having a bad case of PMS..but I don't think you should take any chances based on your families mental history. From what I've read, you really should talk to a professional, just in case.
I don't know where you are but..here is a start:
Bipolar Hotline: 1-800-826-3632.
If you talk to a psychiatrist anonymously, and I'm wrong, you've lost nothing. But if I'm correct, and do nothing..you may only plunge deeper in despair, and I wouldn't want that for someone who has SO much potential!
Please call..no harm, no foul.
Great Big Hugs and Blessings and I'm here- drop me a line if ya need me!,
Jasmine
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First off, I would like to say that just from your question, you sound like an intelligent profound young woman. It sounds to me like your heart is in the right place but your ultimate surroundings are not letting you be the person you want to be and really are. Its hard to hear someone say "Your a teenager, you'll grow up" but in some ways it is true. You are at an awkward age, and I am 24 but I remember clearly going through some of the same things. My parents did not understand who I was and wanted to be, I was always put down for just being me, they would not let me go out with friends and boys at that age either, and my friends did seem to forget about me...it upset me, but eventually I realized they did not, its just that people are obsessed with being social at that age. If you were a confident person, get that back, if you still are, dont lose it. Think in your head or write down all the things that you like about yourself, mental, physical, talents, etc. I bet you have A LOT to be confident about. And is that one girl you sit with at lunch your friend? If you feel like your other friends don't like you, then I suggest find new ones. If you are concerned with being in the popular crowd, maybe you should branch out and get to know other people, theres a lot of people who won't find you boring. Do things that make you feel good. Its really hard being around people that put you down and give you grief and ignore you, but keep in your mind all those things you like about yourself and keep up the confidence. Dont worry about being confused about religion, its very natural and most likely one day you will know what you think and believe. You probably don't smell as bad as you think, your cleanly and take care of your body. The most "popular" girl at my highschool had stretchmarks, I have stretchmarks. and again, its hard to hear, but things will get better in time, being a minor and young is a very tough time. I think you will be just fine. Don't know if I helped at all...but felt I should reply
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