|
How long before one can ask a widow on a date?
40/M
I've known this woman for many years. In fact, I am and always have been very much in love with her, but since she was happily married I have always kept my stronger feelings to myself.
I say "WAS happily married" because about six months ago, her husband died after a long illness. I have comforted her as a friend, but so far that is all I have done. I want very much to tell her of my deeper feelings, but I'm not sure when it would be appropriate.
Let me stress that I'm not thrilled that her husband died - he was a good person who made her very happy. It's just that I also want to make her very happy, and though it happened in a tragic way the fact is that she's available now (I know that sounds really awful put that bluntly, but it's the truth). I have to admit that it's getting very, very hard to keep a lid on my feelings - especially since when she IS ready to start looking for a new relationship, I want to be sure she looks at me first!
My questions:
How long should I wait?
Would it be appropriate for me to tell her NOW how I feel, but also that I am willing to wait for as long as it takes for her to be ready?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I think it would be weird for you to come out and tell her you love her. I think you tell her what a wonderful person you think she is. And ask her if she's ready to date again, and ask her if she'd consider carrying your friendship to the next level. Tell her you understand that it takes time to get over something such as the death of a spouse and you are willing to give her time if that's what she needs. Then you'll know where she stands.
]
I think life is too short and waits for no man. Somebody has to help her turn the page and keep living. If you love her like you say you do, then your the perfect one to help her find reasons to smile again. However, don't make it weird with words. Approach her as the loving friend you are and want to be.
Ask her to go places with you because you could really use the company. 'You hate to eat alone but you really have a craving for a certain deli. Please dont make a hungry man go alone or do without'. lol Surprise her with little things you know she likes and tell her when you saw it you thought of her. Actions are so much better than words.
The problem with certain words in this situation is that once faced with the actual word "Date", "Love", or "Moving on" the natural reaction is going to be of a sense of guilt or confusion. Possibly even a feeling of "No, it's too soon!" By simply not saying the words and instead going ahead and living them, you will be giving her someone she can depend on and trust without having to feel guilty. When the time comes that she is ready to take that next step you will be in the right place cause she hasn't felt the need to push you away.
Woo her without telling her you are. It's worth a shot and seems to make a whole lot more sense to me than wasting more time. Like I said before 'Time waits for no one' and today is all we have. Tommorrow isn't guaranteed. Make the most of what you already have with her and build upon it every oppurtunity you can find. Just avoid letting 'words' make the situation awkward. Be her friend and walk with her from there. Good Luck
]
From what I have read old tradition
and modern day medical say that 2 years
is the proper time to wait.
That being said, I think it depends a
lot on the individuals and perhaps even
the circumstances of her husbands death.
The fact that she was very happily married
may be a factor too.
She needs time to grieve. My mother-in-
law died 6 months ago. There is no way
my father in law is ready to move on.
They were married 50 years. Every holiday
is painful for him & he talks about her
all the time.
I think the best thing you can do in
your situation is be a friend. Don't
tell her your feelings right now.
When she starts to move on you can
tell her.
You will be able to tell. His things will
be put away, talk of him will for the most
part stop. She won't compare everything to
how he did it, or what he would have said,
etc.
You can take her out for coffee and talk.
Don't let it go further than that for now.
]
I would wait for a little longer. Why? Sh may be on a rebound and therefore, she's looking for a relationship to distract her from what's happened. Even though it's been six months, sometimes, people can try and cover up their pain by focusing upon other things.
I've always said that when the time is right, then you shall know in your heart. Just wait until you feel it is the right. But listen to your instincts, listen to what they say.
One final point and please keep this in mind: what you feel for her may not be what she feels for you. She may only view as a friend and would be quite taken aback when you tell her about what you feel.
Give it another month and see what happens, just be there for her as a friend and wait for the right moment.
I hope this helped and good luck for the future,
triquetra
]
It would NOT be appropriate for you tell her right now.
Six months has never been enough for any person I know in any situation even vaguely similar to hers.
It is also dangerous for you getting to thinking that you somehow have first dibs when she is ready. You DON’T.
This is a common trap, so don't let yourself fall into it. Thinking that you can confess now, before she likely ready to hear this information, and somehow jump the line when she IS ready, is irrational and could end your chances before you even get one.
Most people find ill-timed confessions very off-putting. Instead of being the one their eye falls too when they are ready, your ‘confession’ becomes a stressful issue they want to avoid, even when they begin to explore romance again. You become the last person they want to consider, because your confession has burdened any relationship with you with all the emotions and grief they were feeling at the time.
If you truly wish to be respectful and have a chance with her, keep you tongue tied up until she starts to talk about dating or seeing people again. Does this mean she might meet someone before you have a chance to make your confession? It most certainly does. But it also guarantees you that when you do make your confession, you will be judged on your merits as a partner, not on any negativity, grief or resentment she might feel about your timing.
Continue to be a good friend. Encourage her to seek counseling to deal with her grief and inquire gently about how that counseling is progressing and how she views her romantic future. Only when she gives VERY clear indication that she is willing to pursue romantic relationships again (She says “Yes! I’d like to date” or she starts going on dates) should you feel free to tell her your feelings. It simply would not be fair or respectful to her, or very conducive to you getting what you want, to do so any earlier.
There is no set time for this. What is important is that you are sensitive to her feelings and what she is saying, not merely what you wish to hear.
Best of luck.
]
More Questions: |