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expecting a baby and boyfriend has no job
My boyfriend and I are expecting a baby in July, it will be the first child for both of us. It was totally unexpected, we had only been together a few months when we found out I was pregnant. We are both 27 and really not where we wanted to be in life when we started a family, but are still both excited and want to do everything we can to give this child a great life. There is one thing, my boyfriend has no real work experience. He worked delivering pizzas for a few months, but he isn't working anymore. I know it's hard to find jobs in this area, and with not much experience, but I am very worried about the strain this is putting on our relationship, and for when the baby is here. I work full time and have my own apartment, a very small apartment, that's another thing, if he had income we could move into a better place. I blame things on him a lot, because I am carrying this baby and working full time, and he isn't. Sometimes I think positive, like as long as I know I'm doing all I can, and he is actually looking for employment, but a lot of the times I think really negatively and believe I will not be able to stay with him if he doesn't find work. I don't think it's fair really, and I don't want to put myself in a position where I have to do everything myself, not if we are together, so it makes me think sometimes that we shouldn't stay together. He says I should believe in him and believe things will work out, but it's hard at this point, I'm due in a little over 3 months and I'm stuck in this tiny apartment with little income. I'm just looking for some advice, and maybe a good way to start a conversation with him about how much this affects me, because I am kind of quiet and don't always know how to express my feelings and explain things that are bothering me. It is really making me sad and overwhelmed because I don't know how to handle the situation. I would rather my child had two parents that are in a relationship, but sometimes I don't see how that can be.
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Hello,
I read this and it's now 2011. I'd like an update because I have a friend in a similar situation, but she has 4 kids.
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Well your boyfriend is 27, almost thirty.
On the one hand, you are both at an age where you should be old and mature enough to raise a family. On the other hand, a man who is almost thirty should have a job, or at least by trying (its on things to be temporarly unemployed, but this should not last too long).Although I do not know your boyfriend or the situation, the fact that he litarally does not have a job seems suspicious. I mean it seems (I could be wrong, so don't be offended) like you are a single mother right now. You are pregnat and you should not have to work full time. Ask yourself this, "Is he looking for a job? Does he seem to working hard at finding a job?" Also, ask yourself why he does not work where he used to work. Did he quit? Did he get fired for reasons that were his fault? Did he get layed off due to employment cutback. You know your boyfriend better than I do. Is he hard working? Is he being choosy about where he works or is he applying to jobs everywhere? Do you want to keep this relationship? The best advice I could give you on how to discuss it with him is to tell him that you are very concerned; tell him you want more for your child then what you have now. Maybe tell him that this relationship will not work out (if that is the case) if you do not provide for out expecting child. If he remains unemployed forever, you cannot be any worst off financially without him. I understand you wanting to raise your child with two parents and I don't blame you, but single parents have raised children,some better then two parent families. Also, if he is lazy (I am not saying he is) but if he is, what kind of role model is he for your child? I mean he he is almost thirty and unemployed, not 18, even if he was, being a father means growing up. You have a child to think about now. It is one thing for him to ruin your life (I am not saying he will, I don't know him) but your child will have no say in the matter.
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Don't beat yourself up for 'thinking negatively' when you are in fact thinking realistically. Your belief that you can probably not stay with him if he doesn't contribute is bang on. You wont be able too.
You can't support him, and a child. You don't want too.
You aren't the only one who needs to be doing all you can. He needs to do all he can as well.
With those thoughts in mind, take a deep breath and talk to him REALISTICALLY, not NEGATIVELY. No blame, no yelling, just a frank statement of the facts:
"I fell you aren't working as hard as you could be at finding a job."
"I'm scarred."
"I'm angry."
"No matter how much I love you, I can't stay with you if you don't contribute financially."
“It is impossible for this to continue once the baby is here, and I feel we are running out of time to deal with these issues.”
Then finally "I need to know you understand what I am saying and I want to hear what your plan is to deal with some of the problems we are facing."
Give him a fair chance to speak, and listen with an open mind. I would suggest giving him a firm deadline, such as: You must submit 30 resumes in the next 2 weeks and call each place back. (30 is perfectly fair number in my mind).
Any money is good money. Even if it is just flipping burgers at McDonalds.
Your job now is to make sure he is perfectly clear in his understanding that this needs to change. If after those two weeks he has not completed his said task (ie, 30 resumes or finding a job) starting looking for alternate arrangements for you and your child. Moving back home, or accessing social services for single mothers. Don’t keep on hoping he’ll change until it is to late. Discover your options.
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I'm glad that I am the first to help you handle your situation. For starter, you have to sit him down when you get the opportunity, being that you work, and let him know how you feel. It doesn't matter what you say, when you're expressing yourself, everything will fall into a better understanding to him.
After that conversation, go into further details with him about his job search, and if he's putting enough effort into it.
Try not to think negatively, I know it can be hard that by the income you have cannot and won't be able to provide for all three of you, soon.
I recommend trying a Employment Agency, or a Workforce. They are able to help him find jobs, with the little experience he has, and maybe even supply him with training, and techniques to help him advance.
I wish you the best of luck for you and your boyfriend, and God Bless your child, who will soon enter the world.
If you need anymore assistance, babysitting, anything at all, feel free to send an email through to me, as I am willing to help you the best way I can.
Good Luck!
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Here's a wake up call for you. If you didn't believe that this man would make a good father to begin with, why did you have unprotected sex with him?
Here's the thing, I always tell people that if you are capable of handling the situation of having a baby, then have sex. If you are not capable and still want to have sex, then use protection.
As for the part where he has no real experience, there are places out there willing to train or at least educate him so he can have a better future. Tell him to go to temp-to-hire agencies that will help him find a job. While he's at it, he could enroll in courses to help further himself for all of y'alls future. University of Phoenix offers online classes that do not have a specific time you have to be there. You can get your Associates degree in 2 years.
I know that being pregnant makes you have more emotional outbursts than normal and sometimes those thoughts can be overwhelming. The best way to handle this situation is communication. Face it, you two are going to have to work things out together even if you are apart or with each other for at least the next 18 years. No time like the present to start having that communication.
I am not up here on my high horse judging you. I have been where you are at. I fully understand and had to have that common sense banged into my head a few times before I figured it out. I got pregnant at 19, by an drunken, drug user/seller with no job, no house, and 3 other kids. I was an idiot. I knew better, but passion took over. I ended up marrying him, got pregnant again, left him, got divorced, remarried and am finally to the point where I can say, "man wtf what I thinking?" I want to tell you that you do not have to be with this man in order to provide a great home for your child. There are a lot of women out there that do this on a daily basis. However, I want to strongly suggest you think long and hard about marrying this man just because of a baby. If you wouldn't do it without a baby, you don't have to because of a baby. This is your chance to make the best decision for you and your baby, but do it without regrets or else you will second guess all your decisions and never be happy.
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