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How can I get my husband to act more of a man than a teenage
I will celebrate my 2nd anniversary in september. I'm 29 and my husband is 35. My husband and I have these petty arguments all the time about how he always put me last or don't help me around the house. For example, we were invited to a relative's house for Easter dinner. I haven't seen these relatives since they moved back to my home town. I made sure my husband didn't have any plans for us, before I gave my cousin the okay for dinner. Well, when Sunday came, he layed around the house napping. I told him I wanted to leave the house at 4pm for dinner and he said okay. As usual, he didn't start to get ready until 5:30pm. This is an ongoing problem, it's like he doesn't hear me or just don't care. Since December we scheduled a date. We would go out or watch a movie once a week (on a Wednesday), this day was selected by my husband. Since I compromised on a Weekday, due to him working on Saturdays. I suggested we start date night no later than 6:30 pm. This way, we can still enjoy one another and I can still get enough rest for work the next day. He agreed. However, I think he made it to date night on time maybe 3 times. The last straw was he wanted to go to the mall during our night. This was after he showed up 1 and 1/2 hours late. What I don't understand is he get's an attitude with me, because I'm mad at him. I'm really tired of this and not to mention all the other teenage actions he's pulled. What should I do???
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I think what you're lacking is communication. You say you've communicated to set dates for certain things and he's been uncooperative. Have you discussed your thoughts about his inactivity with him?
It is very important that you express exactly how you feel to him or he won't really know there is a problem. TELL HIM that you're getting hurt feelings about date-night. Let him know you really would appreciate some help when you notice that he's just laying around.
Talk through these issues. Tell him how you feel and WHY you are feeling that way. Let him know what you wish would happen.
It's also good to let him know that you are viewing him as a teenage boy. Give your reasons why and let him know you really aren't happy about it. Be open and honest with him--he deserves to know.
You have to give him opportunity to change. He may not be aware that it's as serious as it is. When you notice that he isn't coming through on his end after he has said he would, then you need to point it out and tell him what the issue is (Example: You said you would come and see a movie with me tonight but you were very late. It really makes me feel like you don't care about the time we spend together and this really makes me very unhappy. Date night is a big deal for me because we don't get to go out often anymore and I really liked going out with you. Could you please be on time from now on?).
If you don't tell him right away when things are going on (or not going on, as it seems) then you'll end up bottling up the emotions and your relationship will weaken. Your partner needs to know your issues with him. He needs to know what he's doing is bothering you.
So, the next time he says he'll help out before guests are over and you see he isn't--point it out to him. The next time there are plans to see relatives and he isn't getting prepared then make it clear that it's causing problems. The next time he misses date-night then let him know your thoughts and why you feel certain ways. The next time he is very late for meeting with you, bring it to his attention that it is bothersome.
Good communication is key here. You should open up and tell him EVERYTHING exactly when it is happening. He may be getting an attitude with you because he does not realize you're having different thoughts about these situations than he is. He really may not see it as such a big problem. Since you haven't pointed it out when he's been inactive, he hasn't ever had it brought to his attention that someone is bothered.
He also may not understand WHY you're thinking/feeling the way you do. You need to fully explain all the little thoughts that run through your head to him. Do your best to be clear about what is happening on your side.
I wish you luck on letting your husband know what you've been feeling and learning to tell him these things exactly when they occur so he'll have the chance to fix them.
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When you are at risk of inconveniencing others, I would leave without him.
"I will be leaving at 4pm to visit my cousin. I really hope you'll join me."
"I am leaving in 10 minutes. If you are joining us you'll need to be ready."
"Goodbye dear! I'll be at my cousins and I'll be home around 11."
But of course, you also need to seek some counseling for the both of you because you need to re-evaluate the way you make decisions together. Obviously the compromises that seem rational and agreed upon, well, aren't. A third party helping you negotiate and respect each other would be invaluable.
But also take some control of your own life. If he is not on time for a movie, go in yourself. If he late at a restaurant date, enjoy your meal alone. If he is stalling, sit down and enjoy a book until he decides he is ready. Plan an evening’s activity for yourself.
Stop trying to control him, and take control of yourself. You will feel better.
Taking control doesn't come from playing games or misleading him (You mustn't stoop to his level after all) it comes from doing precisely what you said you were going to do. Always give fair warning and calm responses.
"We will met for dinner at 6:30 then? Great! I'm going to order my meal at 7:15pm so I can eat at a decent hour."
And at 8pm when he shows up.” I wish we could have eaten together, but I ordered my dinner at 7:15, just as I said I would. Would you like to order now?"
Waiting for him obviously breeds resentment on your part, stop waiting and he will either take the hint, or you will see just how much he doesn't care to honor your schedule.
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If he don't want to get off his duff to keep the plans he made, then go without him.
Be sure to tell him what a great time you had with your family, and sweetly say, "Oh, so sorry you missed out."
Be sure to tell him what a wonderful dinner you had at that nice new restaurant, and what a great movie you saw, and sweetly say, "Oh, so sorry you missed out."
"Hope you found the TV dinner I left for you in the freezer..."
Don't be nasty. Obviously getting mad at him does nothing but get your blood pressure up, because he doesn't see the problem. Maybe being left out will open his eyes.
If you are going to get mad at him about it, make sure it is at the right time. Like when he doesn't want to shut the TV off to get ready to go. Unplug the crummy thing and say, "Look man, time to get on the ball here. Light a fire under your ass, alright? We got plans to keep."
As for petty arguments, is it really worth the stress? Are these petty things worth fighting over? If you get in a heated argument, both parties end up talking AT each other rather than TO each other. When that happens, neither is listening to the other. If neither is listening, how you going to solve anything?
ygs-29/f
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When you see he isn't getting ready...then
is the time to get mad. If he's napping start banging pans together or something and get him
up and moving. Be creative!
If he's late getting home for date night,
remind him in the morning that you are
leaving at 6:30. If he isn't there, let
him know you aren't going to wait unless
he calls with a VERY good reason for being
late. Go out, eat dinner, (don't bring him
any either)and tell him he is on his own.
I'd also let him know right up front that
there is no excuse for him to pull an
attitude on you. You set times to be places,
You have to respect those who you make
appointments with. Have this talk with him
before you make anymore dates. Then don't
get mad. Just do what you say and leave him
to make his excuses. :)
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