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sex drugs&alcohol.
15/f
[kind of long. but i really need help]
there's this girl that i'm friends with. we used to be best friends, but lately our relationship has been kind of strained. she's just been so out of control the past 2 weeks that i have no idea how to handle it. we were basically the same two weeks ago.
we're both 15 going on 16, and we had never been drunk, or done anything illegal, or had boyfriends, or h/u'd with anyone. well it started when she went to this persons sweet 16 and got drunk at an afterparty. at first i was like whatever. everyone gets drunk as a teen, no big deal. then last friday she told me she smoked cigarettes, something we swore to eachother we would never EVER do. i was in a different state this week visiting relatives and while i was gone she threw a wild house party and did weed and got completely drunk and h/u'd with 4 guys and got fingered. and she may have had sex but she doesn't even remember. I feel like she's changing too fast and there's nothing i can do about it. and even though i wasn't even in the same state as her when this party happened, i somehow feel responsible. like i let her down in a way. like i was the reason she started hanging out with these kind of people because i had been a bit too clingy and pushed her away and made her want to rebel against everyone. she doesn't understand that she can get in serious trouble for what she did, if anyone ever finds out. and the worst part is, i don't think she even feels bad about it. she'd wanted to get drunk and high and make out with guys so bad. she told me this. and it seems like she's kind of happy about it and i just don't know what to do to make her understand how worried i am about her and how dangerous this kind of behavior really is without sounding too motherly and like a loser.
any advice is appreciated.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Well, you're probably right. In some ways, your friend probably IS happy about what she's doing. For one thing, doing something wrong and getting away with it is kind of exciting. She may really be enjoying the thrill of "living dangerously." Also, the approval and acceptance of the people she's partying with might be filling some need for her. If she has any self-esteem issues, it would be very important for her to be liked and accepted by these people (who probably ARE really fun and nice people, even though they do bad things). Same thing with the hook-ups... it's not only exciting, but it makes her feel attractive and desirable... "Wow, all these guys think I'm hot enough to hook up with!"
So the partying and hooking up is offering a lot of things to make her feel good. And it will be pretty dang hard to convince her to give that all up.
But deep down, I'll bet she also feels pretty bad about it. Certainly she knows it's bad for her; that it could get her in trouble; that she could get a bad reputation. And whether she knows it yet or not, she'll eventually figure out that these guys who are hooking up with her are just using her.
So what can you do? Just keep being her friend. Let her know that you worry about what she's doing... that she might get in trouble, or get hurt, or get a bad reputation. Let her know that she doesn't need those things in order to have fun, have friends, or get a boyfriend.
And just expect that she won't want to hear it. She may tell herself (and you) that you're just jealous of her new friendships and lifestyle. But deep down she will know you're right. And if you continue to be there for her, no matter what she's done, hopefully your support will be enough to help her give that stuff up.
Good luck!
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Dido
i had the same problem when i was younger so i know where youre coming from so
My advice:
You should tell her how you feel [and no its not gonna be as easy as it sounds] so the most painless way to tell her is by writting her a letter.
Tell her everything how she's going down a downwards spiral
-and blah blah blah
For her this IS just going to be just a phase and sort of a right of pasage kind of thing and EVENTUALLY she will get over it.
-I hope for the best for you and your friend !
if you need any further advice you can rach me at:
nancydotcom@rock.com
XOXO
-Nancydotcom™
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This same thing happened to me! My friend and I were close and then she got into the badd crowd! she wanted some "adventure"...I tried confronting her, and she pushed me awaysaying I needed to mind my own business! My suggestion to you is to be like, why did you do that stuff. Do not critize her, and don't say it was bad, just ask why. This will show that you aren't there to scold her, just to talk. And then be like, I was just wondering what happened...I mean two weeks ago you were different, and make it clear that you aren't upset with her no matter how much you are. If you scold her, even a little bit, before you get the whole story, you never will! And it was a very steep incline, do you think that something might have happened that you don't know about, making her act in this way? Or something that she just needed to get out of her system...and if she won't talk to you, you need to tell someone, and get her in trouble, she will close you out, but its better then her ending up high, and drunk, taken advantage of, and then ending up pregnant, ruining her and the kinds life. If you tell a teacher, or one of your parents...that might help....
Hope I helped...if you need anything more, you can IM me on AIM at xxAMS15xx
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The best way to start is letting her know that you care for her like a sister, since you don't want to seem motherly. Let her know that her actions can lead her somewhere she may never get out of, if she continues to pursue this type of behavior.
Give her examples on things that you can do together to keep her occupied and away from things like drugs, especially drugs...
Don't feel responsible for her actions, and don't beat yourself up because you wasn't there when that big event took place.
By you blaming yourself, it wouldn't make you seem any better than she, when you are. You're keeping your distance away from bad influence.
Never blame yourself and hold yourself responsible for anyone else. You're not controlling them, they have a mind and body of their own. She did what she did, and she did it because she wanted to.
But most importantly, let her know that even though she will be out there doing her own thing, you will still care and be there for her when she'll need you the most.
Letting her know that, would keep her mind grounded that at least someone still cares, because she might be going through that type of situation in her life.
Be there for her, and support her, like a true friend/sister you are, she needs you. Let her confide in you, and everything will fall into place.
Good Luck!
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