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Is is really me? (reallllyyy long)
I just got out of a relationship of about 11 months, and it was my longest relationship and also a very abusive, crazy one. I finally broke up with him in December and while I was slowly ending it with him I actually met someone new that I realized I had feelings for. This new guy (Mike) is 4 years older than me, age doesn't matter to us now though, but my problem, is that he doesn't show constant love towards me. If he does its like on and off, its never all the time since we've been seeing each other. When I try to talk to Mike about it he says it's because sometimes he doesn't "trust" me because we've had a lot of problems in the past. I'll name some so you can understand the relationship better.
One night I had a bunch of people at my house and we were all drinking, I started to get really drunk and I pretty soon couldn't even stand up by myself, so i started leaning on Mikes cousin (Mike wasn't near me, and his cousin was sitting in a chair unlike the rest of us so that was easier to lean on), so my hand was on his leg, Mike took it the wrong way and flipped out. Being drunk I obviously got really emotional, and started crying and it was really embarrassing so I just went out with a few friends and tried to blow it off. When I got back I could barely walk and everyone was yelling at me, he called me a bunch of names so I hit him. I would never do that if I was sober but thats the way I handled it because of my past relationship. He stormed off and left me, so I just slept out at a friends that night. He ended up going back to my house and slept there because he was waiting up for me, but how was I suppose to know that? The next day he came over to talk, and told me that his original plan was to never to talk to me again, and he made it seem like it was all my fault, I tried to tell him that I was drunk and I honestly didn't know what I was doing, but he just kept telling me that I was so wrong, and it was all my fault and he should hate me, so I just let him be right and told him I was sorry. I also made the decision not to drink anymore.
That was last weekend, this weekend, we've been arguing again, but not while I've been drunk, Friday night we went to a party, and he was drinking, (I wasn't) and he was acting SO amazing towards me, really lovey, always wanting to be around me, he even went to the store and bought me a rose! Later that night I questioned his "lovey dovey"-ness because he's never usually like that, and he flipped out, probably because he was drunk, and he just wanted to go downstairs and pass out, but i really wanted to work things out, so I kept going downstairs to talk to him, and everytime I would walk away, he would just fall asleep. Every time he would ever walk away from me during a fight, I would chase after him. He ended up just coming upstairs with me in my room and sleeping with me, we blew it off.
My point is, I've given up so much for him, drinking, going out all the time. and I don't think it's always my fault when we fight but I'm too scared to REALLY stick up for myself because I know he'll freak out and leave me because it's only the beginning, I've tried to tell him that he's messing with my head, but he says "fine then we're done I'm not going to mess with your head anymore" and thats not what I want! So I just deal with what he says, and hopefully we just forget about it and move on like we always do. Another thing, we're not officially Boyfriend and Girlfriend. We were before but we kept fighting like we are now so we decided just so act like we're going out? but not with the label. If he loves me he should just want to be with me shouldn't he? But I just want him in any way I can have him. Is it really all me? Am I just crazy, how can I make him want to change and show me love but not lose him completely? If you say I can't make him want to change, than what can I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You cannot change someone. If that's how he is, and that annoys you, then you have one of two options.
First option: deal with it. If you want to make things work out, then you're gonna have to suck it up and not argue and fight if you can help it. If there is fighting and arguing, then hopeit blows over. If you simply cannot stand this, then...
Second option: break up with him. You obviously deserve someone who is gonna love you no matter what, and he's not doing it. The biggest thing in life that everyone needs is self-happiness. That can come from many different places, and sometimes the right person is the one who is going to bring it.
If you want my honest opinion, end it now. He sounds like he's a jerk and doesn't really care about the people that he's with. You honestly do deserve better and you'll find someone who will make you feel like the world belongs to you.
PS: Sorry it took so long to answer.
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I have to agree. Leave him before things get out of hand. It will save you a lot of pain, physically and mentally. You cannot keep on holding out for him, though he has helped you to get off drink though and that i consider to be a good thing. If he isn't willing to give up drink for you, he isn't right for you.
There is somebody else out there who's truely worthy of you, not him.
This may or may not be the answer which you might want, but it's for the best.
Good luck with the future,
triquetra
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The way you describe Mike...it almost seems as if he has an emotional bacround also. Im not sure because i dont know him ,but it sounds like he does, by the way he reacts back to you.You say something little to him, and he blows up and says its over.
If he loves you, he should want to be with you.Always. My thoughts are that he may not be sure if he loves you. As you said, you have given up soo much...has he? Has he given up anything? If He dosn't, you shouldn't. He needs to be making a comitment also. He needs to be working for the relationship just as hard as you are.
Talk to him about it. if he sarts to blow up, tell him you are leaving for good, whether you want it to happen or not. Tell him you are serious this time.if he says nothing to that, then go. If you do leave, he may or may not come back for you.If he does, look him straight in the eye and tell him exactly what "you" want. tell him it is his very last chance.
If he is not willing to change for you... then this relationship will never grow.
Hope I helped. If not, good luck anyway. I realize it is harder than it looks.
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Leave him now sweeet heart. Do you want another abusive relationship? It may not be physical ( yet) but its mental abuse for you. A man who is in love with a woman treats them with respect and not like property that he can just pick up one minute and throw away the next. He's blaming everything on you and keeping emotion and attachment far away. Really its no good for you. Please get out of the relationship now before its too late. You may think it hard no but it'll be even harder later on.
Hope I helped and Good luck sweet heart:)
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