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Boyfriend’s online porn habits normal or obsession?
Hi…Just to give you a little background on my situation, I am a 22 year old female that has been involved with my 32 year old boyfriend for almost 4 years now. I discovered his online porn collection after about our first 6 months of dating. Now four years later I am still struggling with the same issue. After our first year of dating he moved away for work and things became stressed because of the long distance. Year two he moved even further away creating more stress. So year three I decided to move with him. Long story short, about a month after I moved in he cheated with someone long distance—go figure! I moved out of his house and after about six months we got back together again.
Back to the porn issue, the amount of money he spends on porn is ridiculous. I would approximate 5-6 online subscriptions per month. Keep in mind each subscription is around $29.99. I have tried talking to him about it. Basically all he says is I shouldn’t be snooping through his personal stuff and he needs a visual to aid in masturbation since we are long distance. I can understand the second part but why does he need to continually download more videos and pictures. A couple of years ago I would find his porn downloads and delete them so he purchased an expensive external hard drive just for his porn.
When I look at his porn collection it makes me feel like I will never compare to the women he is fantasizing about. His collection mainly consists of extremely large breasts (DD and above) and extremely large rear ends. I have neither of these things.
Recently I decided maybe since his obsession with porn will not go away I should somehow try to become a part of his fantasy. I took pictures of myself and sent them to him. He claims this will make him stop looking at porn. Later that night I checked his email and he had ordered two more online subscriptions. I already accepted him back after he cheated once and I almost feel like his porn habits are another form of cheating. Should I move on or try to deal with his obsessions? HELP!
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Oi...
You know, 99% of the time, I would answer that its your problem, but maintaining that many porn subscriptions... hes obsessed AND stupid.
If nothing else, the extreme amount of porn available free over the internet... Neither I nor anyone I know EVER pays for porn.
He cheated on you. He has a porn obsession thats costing him more than 100 bucks a month. Hes not going to change, and at 22 you really don't need to be dealing with some loser 32 year old's issues. Find someone with more going for them than porn subscriptions.
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While I have nothing against porn in general, he spends an insane amount of money on it.
Porn here shouldn't be the main issue. The main issue is that he cheated on you once, and he WILL do it again.
His large sums of money spent on porn and his history of cheating leads to too much baggage for one person to deal with.
Break up with him.
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You are so young..that is the good news! You have made a few poor choices and suffered because of them. Trying to change for someone and be something you are not won't work anymore than trying to change the other person. There was a huge age difference to begin with which gave him an advantage over your inexperience and made it easy to manipulate you from the beginning. He never wanted an equal relationship with a real woman. Obviously he will do anything to avoid growing up. Get out of this mess now and get yourself into counseling. He will move from one porn obsession to another, and typically with addicts the usual things no longer get them off, so they need more kinky or violent or weird to do the trick. That is a dark and lonely road he is going down and he is willing to sacrifice everything to keep his addiction. This is not about whether or not porn is moral. This is about addiction of any kind and his is porn for whatever reason. Quit comparing yourself to that crap. You are worth so much more. You have been compromising your worth for this guy for too long. He has never valued you and never will. What is important now is that you learn to value yourself...that is the only way you will avoid another user in your future. There is no rational way to "deal" with someone else's problems. Move on? Yes, but don't forget the counseling...it will save you from moving only into another mess...and most people will move right into another mess without serious self-evaluation and quality guidance.
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i strongly agree with the last user who answered this question. i do know that pron to some men is a very heard addiction to break, but if he isn't even trying to stop when it is very clear that you are unhappy he doesn't deserve you. many women in this country do not have huge brests or bottoms, and it is ashame the ones that do have stooped to posing for some picture a bunch of dirty men will stare at. you don't need him. i am not sure but you can find someone who actually loves you and thinks of you as a god above all the other beautiful women in the world.
stay beautiful
folle babii
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EDIT
I feel the need to clarify, since I have been woefully misunderstood by the other collumnists.
I DID NOT SAY anything was wrong with porn. I don't believe there is anything inherantly wrong with a person, in a relationship or not, enjoying pornography.
I DID SAY that although he might have an problem with porn, it is not his behavoir regarding porn that is the serious issue in your relationship.
Porn is simply being used a smokescreen for your real unhappiness and the true depth of your miscommunication with oneanother.
So once agian I say:
/Edit
Porn isn't the problem.
He might have a problem with porn, and a porn addiction might be HIS problem, but it isn't yours.
Your problem is that you are dating a uncommitted, lying, cheater who you trust so little you actively snoop on him.
You are deeply insecure and he is a user. It's a match made in the deepest pits of hell.
After four years of being with a guy you picked when you were eighteen, take a step back and take a serious stock of what it is you've got here: You might love him, you are probably definately comfortable with him but if you are looking for a life long commitment based on mutal trust and respect... then it's time to grow up, and look elsewhere.
I repeat: Your problem is that you are dating a guy who will not commit, who sabatogued you moving in togeather by cheating, who flat-out lied to you about his porn habits to try and make you feel better, and who isn't and probably never will give you what you need. That is your problem. Porn is just one very small symptom of that problem.
Whether his porn habits are 'normal' or not, doesn't matter in the least. Even if he stopped with porn altogeather tommorrow, you'd still have a problem. Your relationship is problematic.
Oh, and you also have a problem where you actively spy on your patner. Part of the growing up I suggest should probably include not doing that anymore.
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