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Falling Out of Love, LTR
Hi, I'm David, I'm 20 and I'm from Australia. My boyfriend is 19.
I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for about 15 months now, and everything was going well. We were living between my place and his, spending about half the week at his place, and the end of the week/weekend with my parents at my place. We were together every day, slept together every night, talked via email or txt messages while we were at work or apart.
We've gone through a few things recently: Uni struggles/exams, I lost my job, he started working full time at a demanding summer job, I went overseas.. For a few weeks, since about the time he started his new job, he'd been a bit distant and not wanting to have sex. I asked several times if everything was OK, and he said it was, so I assumed he was just really tired from juggling uni stress, training as an elite athlete, two jobs and our relationship. I went overseas for about 10 days, and when I came back I could tell he was unhappy, he wasn't his usual bright self.
Over the weekend just gone, we were house sitting at his sister's place, and I asked him what was wrong and I kept asking because I said I wanted to know so I could help. He shed a few tears and told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore.
I got out of him that he doesn't think he loves me anymore, he doesn't love me the way he used to. He thinks the spark is gone, though he still cares about me.
On Monday we told my Mum, and she talked to both of us. He doesn't think working on it will help, but he's not sure. So we decided we'd break up and take a break. We moved all our stuff back to our own places. We had tickets to a concert Tuesday night, and we still went. The friend we went with said it was odd, because we were still symbiotic, and it didn't seem like anything was wrong, we were still talking and laughing and everything as usual, just we both looked a little sad.
He told me Tuesday night he had a little more hope we could work this out, but he said I shouldn't get my hopes up because he didn't want to break my heart again.
So my question is, will this break work? He says he still cares about me, but he's not sure he loves me. Will giving him time and space let him realise that he mightn't feel the same way about me as he used to because his love for me has changed, not gone away?
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hello david,
let me assure you that i can understand your problem. as an adult gay man i know how hard it can be to find mr right and keep the romance alive. i comend you on having a long term relationship at your age. i am a bit older then you and think my longest relationship at your age was four or five months. not that i was one of those new-age gay whores, i was not, but it seemed like i could not form any lasting romantic bonds at that point in my life.
a few years later i found my prince charming seemingly perfect and everything i ever wanted in a man, and we were together for four years. and we both fell out of love. i received a full ride scholarship to work on my masters degree four hundred miles away and he told me that he did not love me enough to go with me, and i had to tell him i did not love him enough to stay. the first year of our relationship we would have travelled to anartica to stay together that it amazes me how that love evolved over time.
this will not be an easy road......it will involve tears and sometimes bitter rememberance that will feel like your heart is twisting in your chest. but you will get through this.
the most amazing thing is that you are still friends, and still have that spark of kindredship that allows you to truly enjoy each others companionship in a platonic manner. you'll never understand how friendship in this life is so much more important then the most intense romantic relationship ever is.
take your time in jumping back into the dating pool, but do not be overly optimistic that things will ever go back to the way they were. they wont david,this does not mean they wont be better but they will never be the same.
do yourself a favor if things never work out.if he starts dating again distance yourself from going out with this man if he meets a new guy. go out with him but not his lover for a good long while. be honest about why, you have to do this, but you will never know the pain of seeing the man you love with another guy, when you are pining on the inside for him.
a year later my raymond is now remarried, ceremony and all and it breaks my heart that he moved on so quickly, and i detest him for it. but in the end i know that this is for the best and life will heal itself and my heart. the same will happen for you, just give it time.
i know this does not help much. but its all the advice i have to give.
take care
michael
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Something happened while you were gone.
He may have cheated and is having trouble
dealing with it. It was probably meaningless,
but left him wondering 'how could I have done
this if I loved him'.
I may be totally wrong, but things were going
well until then. Ask him straight out if this
is a possibility.
It would hurt, but it is something you can
get passed and forgive if you want to. Unless
it gets out in the open though, thats impossible.
I may be wrong. But it is something to consider.
Good luck. Hope it works out for you both. :)
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It sounds like your honeymoon so to speak is over. This will happen with all couples. There just gets a point where there isn't anything to talk about. I cannot say if it can be worked out. You two need to know how the spark is gone exactly. If it is sexual, that can be remedied to some extent. Also, it seems you two spent A LOT of time talking when you were apart. You need to have something to talk about when together. If you both have already shared that information, it is just going to be difficult to find new topics when together. You both know each other inside and out right now. There have to be things that neither of you has ever shared that could provide some spark. Let's say that you always wanted to try some extreme sport or maybe one of you has some kinky fantasy. There may be left to this that can excite one another. There may be a side to you that you have hidden from your bf. There may be a side he has hidden. I have heard from girls that sometimes they like one night stands because they can try things and they won't be judged for it. Perhaps you two love one another so much that you have hidden sides of yourselves. This doesn't just mean sexually. There is more than sex obviously. Maybe you two could do something silly, like maybe go to a store and play practical jokes on strangers. It sounds silly, but crazy little things like that could be refreshing. You asked if a little bit of space could work. Of course it could help. If you previously spent 7 days a week with one another, maybe each of you needs a night out. This would give you time away but also would give you plenty of time together. There is no guarantee that you two can become what you were. If he is willing to try, then there is hope. Maybe he just had second thoughts about things. His being distant is a bad sign though. Personally, every time I have been told I am distant, I had lost interest in who I was with. I think you do need to shock him a bit. I think that could go a long way. You seem to still have your bond. You seem to still have the ability to communicate. I think you still have all of the friend type aspects. I think he needs to remember just how exciting you can be. It may need to be more exciting than he has known to get his attention.
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Unfortunately as with every relationship when it hits this point, it can go either way and you can never tell which way. I am spending far too much time with my boyfriend, which is causing the same conflict, so with any luck, you will both learn to appreciate each other once you see each other again.
However if you do decide to have another go, its very easy to jump back into your old routines, seeing each other everyday, texting 24/7, emails etc etc.
You dont want to get straight back into that, cos everything will repeat itself, only worse because you have been through it already and if you try a break again, you will realise its not working.
All you can do is hope for the best, as for tips, dont nag at him too much, and tell him not too nag at you too much, try not seeing each other for a week or 2 solid. When you reunite, he could feel that rush of love all over again!
Good luck hun, let me know!
Marizzle<3x
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