|
My worst friend's wedding
20/f My little sister died eight months ago and all but one of my friends in college completely failed me. They continued to spend most of our time together talking about and doing things I couldn't participate in. They often played violent video games when I was in the room even though I told them how much it bothered me (and they weren't playing when I eneterd the room). They even criticized how I was grieving and got mad at me for being a killjoy. I have spoken with them over a dozen times about how their behavior often excludes me or just makes me feel worse. I know it's selfish, but I wanted to be the center of attention for a little while, while I healed from my tragic loss- but they refuse.
I am moving away soon, and would really like to forget most of them and never return. Only, two of them are getting married soon and I have been asked to be a bridesmaid. The only other bridesmaid is the bride's 17y/o sister who has no money and is very irresponsible. I would pretty much be on my own for planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party and I would be doing it from far away. This would take a lot of time, energy and money. I really don't feel like putting in any work for her- but I still would like to attend the wedding as I've never been to one and would like to see the one friend who went above and beyond to support me during my time of need.
I'm not normally this selfish. But the bride-to-be has treated me awfully. At this point I don't even care about her. She's getting married because she was pregnant (miscarried though, after knowing about the child for two weeks). She's only dated this guy for six months. And she's annoying and stupid. She doesn't know how much I dislike her because I see no point in intentionally hurting her.
Should I suck it up and help her anyway? Is there a polite way to refuse being a bridesmaid, but still be invited to the wedding? Or should I not go since my only motives are selfish?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Let me start by offering my sincrest condolences to your recent loss.
Your problem has a couple scenarios going on but the most important is that, your so-called "friends" are not treating you with respect.
They are not acting with your best interest in mind and they are in turn disrespecting you. I don't blame you for not wanting to return the kindness.
Some people come in our lives and go right out. It seems like some of these people just don't deserve to be your friend. Friends are people you can rely on, have fun with and be yourself around. When tragedy hits, they should be the first ones to console you, however long it takes.
If you have already expressed your feelings to them on how poorly they treat you, and they have chosen not to change, you should consider cutting them out of your life.
In terms of the bridesmaid situation...outweigh the pros and cons of the situation. If the cons outweigh the pros, then you have answered your own question. Try to think rationally and ask yourself whether this person would do the same for you.
The best way to deter this situation is to tell your friend that your just too busy to be a bridesmaid but you'd love to be in attendance on her special day.
Good luck!
]
First and foremost, I am deeply sorry for your loss of your little sister.
There is nothing wrong with telling the truth...you are simply not up to the responsibility and emotional effort of being her bridal support right now. Tell her you wish her all the best and want to be there for her in ways you can, but not as a bridesmaid. Unless, you have a lot of people who are willing to support you and help you in the planning and you change your mind, she will have to accept this. She may be upset with you for not being her bridesmaid anyway...I don't know how immature she may be in this matter. If you have already agreed to do this, then try to follow through. Many things are tough in life, but can strengthen us in return. A good way to feel better within is to focus on and help others. We all need to give and receive in life. Try to find friends that will be givers and not just takers in your life. Some people come by this naturally, but most of us don't realize how selfish we are, especially when we are young and unexperienced. Ask yourself if you can rise to this occasion or really need to withdraw and seek your own support. Only you can judge what you are able to do in this moment, but I encourage you to keep reaching out to people and be involved in life. Talk to your family and find a good listening ear. Most of the time when we have anger and issues with someone, it is because our expectations have been dashed. It is okay to be disappointed when someone does not live up to our expectations, but we do have to realize at some point that most if not all people will fail us in some way. The trick is to not take other people's failings personally and to move on with our lives.
]
You can certainly politely decline. The bride might be hurt and petty over it, but you can't control that, all you can control is the content of your message and behavoir towards her. So keep those things perfect.
Tell her your very realistic concerns: This is a busy time for you, you wouldn't be nearby and you feel you couldn't possible do a good job as her bridesmaid under these conditions. Tell her you'd love to be a geust at the feativities, but feel you just can't devote the time it would take to be a bridesmaid and you don't want to let her down.
Keep your message firm but friendly and you should pull through with your dignity intact.
]
In your place, I would politely decline. It seems that you're being thrust into the maid of honor role, whether you like it or not. It's difficult enough to do all that planning for someone you really care about. For someone you don't like much, it's a severe headache in the making. Add the distance factor and you might as well put your head in a vice. :-)
There is a pretty good chance you'll still be invited to the wedding, though you might not. I wouldn't lose much sleep over it. There will be other weddings, as you and your friends get older. Give it a couple of years. It sounds like a change of scenery will do you some good too.
Hope this helps.
]
You can always see the one really good friend. Since the Bride was so awful, I'd probably be petty about things. With what you have been through, I'd probably agree to be in the wedding and not fulfill any of the obligations. I see no reason why you should have to make her day wonderful. I think the opposite is in order. Ler her have her bachelorette party in a wal mart parking lot for goodness sakes. lol Seriously, weddings will come. You'll just be bitter through all of this. You're better off not getting involved.
]
More Questions: |