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toxic friend, what do I do to get her out of my life?
This is a bit lengthy! Sorry!
I have this "friend", but I don't want her in my life.
We met in college and got along OK on a superficial level, but when we got to know each other more, I just didn't like her. I think she's arrogant, self-centered, and judgmental, and I think she just really brings out the worst in me.
After we graduated, I thought we would just naturally lose contact. When she would contact me, I would be polite, thinking I would never see her again so there is no point in being mean and telling her to leave me alone.
Time passed, and I kind of forgot about her and what I thought of her. We recently got in contact again when she moved to my area. Since I was also new to the area, I thought we could be friends.I thought maybe people change, or that I had been to hard on her.
Anyway, these old feelings of how I think she is came back and I just want her out of my life. She has said so many hurtful things to me. It's just like college. She criticizes in this hurtful way, but acts like she's been a helpful friend.
I have tried to tell her that some of the things she says to me hurt me, but she gets super defensive, and I just end up feeling like the bad friend.
I would just cut ties with her with no regrets, but it's not that simple. Here's what makes the problem more complicated: She's befriended my friends, and I don't know what to do. She kind of weaseled her way into my group of friends. (Completely my fault because I'm the one who introduced her) I so desperately want to talk to my other friends about how I don't want her in my life, but I don't want to come out as the b*tch who bad-mouths people. They seem to get along with this girl (although they haven't had the same 1-on-1 time with her as I have.). If they truly get along, I don't want my dislike for her to jeopardize their friendship. I think they are still in that "superficial" level of friendship that I was in with her when I first met her. I want to stay friends with my other ones, but I don't want there to be tension. I don't want them to have to choose between us. Do I have to get rid of all my friends to get rid of her and start fresh? I really don't want to lose my other friends. So far, I have just been fake with her, trying to be as nice as I can. It makes me feel like a hypocrite, though.
I also want to add that these other friends are still a bit new to me as I have just moved to the area. That is another reason why I don't feel comfortable confronting them about this problem with the other girl. I've tried talking about this problem to my family, but they just say to "ignore her." If that is the only solution, how do I manage to ignore someone that makes me feel bad about myself?
Thanks so much for any help!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
the truth his, you can't agnore someone who is constantly causing you to feel bad. the best thing for you to do is stop all communication with her. all though your family means well, they don't understand how you are feeling inside. i do, because i have gone through the same thing. the hardest thing about friendship, is when it is time for it to end. you are afraid of losing your new frinds. but to be honest, if they are your true friends, they will completely understand. maybe not at first, but they will eventially come around. you can't worry about them right now. if you let this girl hurt you, continuessly, the situation is bound to get worse. a true frind won't hurt you. she might like you, but she is obviasly facing some pursonal demons, and is taking it out on you. your best bet is to write her a goodbye letter, explaining why you can't be her friend. and then write one to your friends, explaining why you can't be her friend. if it is easier to talk to them, you can do that. but you should be honest with them all, even the girl hurting you. just remember, true friends will stick by you know matter what, friends who hurt you aren't worth it, and it is better to stand up for yourself then get hurt, and always keep on smiling.
nina :)
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before you tell her you need to get your other friends together all at once if possible, that way she dont get stuff started. explain to them that youve really tried with her and what happened last time tell them you see it happening all over again, and you dont want that kind of person in your life, tell them your not making them choose you want them to be friends with who ever and when ever but you dont want included when she is tell them to make an exccuse for you if they want tell them how much they mean to you and you hope things with her dont turn out bad for them also, mmaybe they just put up with her for you anyway, you dont know until you ask, and dont let someone like that ever make you feel bad people use you to make theseles feel more incontrol and better about themselves. after you have talked it over with your friends talk to her. dont let her get the upper hand, if she tries leave. its better to do it at her plae that way if there is a scene no one sees it, and you can always leave when you dont want to hear anymore, dont let it get to the point where you are listening to her side politely tell her she no longer has that option and thats the way it is. you will feel free as a bird when you walk out, and you will be in control. lots of luck BRIE
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You wouldn't be the "bad friend" by telling this girl how you really feel about her. You would actually be being a very good friend. People nowadays don't have the guts to tell people how they really feel about them. Telling her and not holding back, while still remaining calm and empathetic yourself, might actually work. She may realize how terrible she is being and try to change. If it doesn't get across, then SHE will be the one to break the friendship over it, not you. If she can't handle the information and she does get defensive, keep going. She needs to hear what you have to say. Don't try to handle everything yourself. Share all of the information with her and if she wants to leave, then that's her decision. Don't carry this burden yourself. Being honest with her is the best choice. If she continues being awful, continue to remind her of that and she will eventually not want to hang out with you anymore. Then it'll be awkward for her, not you. Nobody will be the bad guy. You two just have differences. As long as you are honest and you don't get others involved yourself, there will be no regrets or bad feelings for you. Encourage her not to get anybody else involved either. This issue is between the two of you. Good luck. :)
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