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I'm getting married next month but she tends to be passive aggressive
I'm getting married next month. (I'm the groom.) I'm extremely excited, but I'm hoping for some outside opinions on a few things.
I love my fiancee very, very much. And I know that the feeling is mutual. Like any normal couple, we have our differences. Some of them irk us slightly, but not enough for it to effect the relationship. However, on rare occasions, we differ enough to cause debate. This is where I need advice.
I'm used to a level playing field where debates are concerned, so I try and only reply with things that are logical. Things that make sense to me. I then usually expect something similar in return. Like an acknowledgment or rejection of my reasoning, followed by the reasoning behind that acknowledgment or rejection, and something to counter it. My wife-to-be doesn't argue this way. Her replies usually consist of "No." or "Absolutely not." or "I don't care." or "If you love me you'll do this."
Occasionally, she'll use her mother to settle it. She'll say "We'll see what my Mom has to say about it.", then she'll call her Mom. If her Mom agrees with her, she takes it as the final end-all word. If her Mom agrees with me, she gets frustrated, and she doesn't ask her Mom to settle things for a while.
Sometimes, I just take the fall. I figure that she is unshakable on the topic, and I choose her over what it is I'm fighting for. For example, I'm no longer a casual beer drinker. In fact, I will not bring alcoholic beverages within 3 feet of my mouth, at all. And I used to really enjoy the occasional Guinness. This is a sacrifice I was willing to take for her.
Another one was with the movie 300. She said that she didn't want that movie in the house, at all. I argued it, and used my pc games as an example, and she said that she didn't want some of those in the house either. In the end, I got rid of some of my games. Oddly, afterward we were watching a movie she owned, and she commented that it was bloodier than 300. Because of this, she has decided that I can have 300 after all.
This was an interesting development. What I observed, was that she realized that her movie was bloody too, so I could have a movie she banned after all. I tried to bring this into later arguments, pointing out things she had or did that were similar. Her reply is usually "Don't bring ME into this."
She tends to be passive aggressive when I'm playing or watching something she doesn't like. I was playing the Bioshock demo on my computer. Previously, she had been in a rather good mood, but afterward, I got looks and the silent treatment. When I asked what was wrong, she denied that anything was wrong, and went back to her bad mood. Clueless, I went back to the game, and this REALLY upset her. I haven't loaded the demo since.
So the latest one confuses me. I would like an Xbox 360. She has refused to allow me to purchase one. We can't afford one right now, but I asked her that in the future, when we have a surplus of cash and I suggest we get one if she will allow it. She declined. Her argument is that we don't need one, and that there aren't any good games for it. I countered with role reversal (Well you don't need a PSP, but you want one anyway. I'm not denying you that.), and a list of games that are actually very good, including some she would probably like. (She's something of a gamer too. Casual. Lot's of Mario.) Still, she refuses to agree to purchasing one later, when the means are there to do so.
That argument isn't what I'm seeking advice on per say (Though it might help.) I'm marrying this woman, and I know that her argument methods won't change. How can I argue with her? Or, better yet, how can I not argue with her and still manage to keep my dignity. (IE: not taking a dive every time we disagree.)
Thanks.
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Ouch. You NEED pre-martial counseling. Desperately.
You are right to think that her argument style will not change, unless she is confronted with the necessity of changing it and in five years, the survival of your marriage could absolutely depend on the two of you being able to fight respectfully and fairly.
Right now you aren't fighting fair. As far as I can guess she is merely fighting for to be 'right' without any eye to actual resolution, and your tactics are dissolving to character assassination and hypothetical situations. (Perfect reason, or rational does not a fair fight make hun, it's very unlikely that you are totally innocent in this communication breakdown) Neither of your styles are effective, or respectful.
Please get counseling, together. You need a disinterested third party's input, not on the arguments themselves, but on your methods, and her mother clearly doesn't cut it.
In mean time, there is a great book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It's about women's difficulty expressing anger and fighting, and the destructive tactics they sometimes fall into. It's written for women, but even if you can't get your wife to be to read it, you should. It might help you learn how to express to her that her communication style is unhelpful. You might see yourself in some of the common problems too.
But please, PLEASE, get some counseling. If only to have them establish and teach you to use a few basic ground rules of arguing like: NO calling Mom. No bringing up past mistakes. Never say never or always. Use 'I' statements, not 'you' statements... and so on.
Don't let this continue. In five to ten years not knowing how to resolve conflicts effectively could destroy the marriage. This is a bigger problem then you realize.
Best of luck.
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You guys may need to see a couples counselor or someone equally as qualified. With a future spouse, you should be able to talk about anything. Yeah, definetely talk to someone about the problems you're having. Good luck with everything and I hope everything works our for the two of you.
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I suggest taking counseling with her before you tie the knot because it looks like you've go serious problems that need to be worked out.
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One thing she needs to realize BEFORE the wedding
is that your life together is a 50/50 relationship.
You are going to want to watch, play, drink and eat things she doesn't like, she is going to want to watch, play and drink things you don't like. She is
going to have to accept it and allow it, same as you will have to do. Life isn't just about her and her
likes.
There should really be no need to argue about any
of these things if you can get her to understand that. She also needs to understand that although she
may value her moms opinion, it is not going to be the final word in your relationship. Time to grow up
and fight her own battles.
Just refuse to take a dive. Sooner or later a few years down the road, you are going to resent it.
So set up some ground rules right now. You both
have your own likes and dislikes. The other will have to accept them. :)
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