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Spouse doesn't want to have sex
My wife and I have not had sex in over a year. I'm 31, and she is 39, soon to be 40 in November. We both were virgins when we married so we had no prior sexual experiences. Almost every time we tried having sex, she said she hurt very badly. Sometimes I wouldn't even be touching her, and she said it felt like I was stabbing her with a knife in her privates. We went to a doctor earlier this year, and after an exam, the dr. determined that a muscle just inside the vagina-I can't remember its name-wasn't "stretched out" like it should be, and after it was, the pain should stop. She prescribed some lidocane gel and told my wife to put it on and just up inside her vagina about 10-20 mins. before sex, and it would numb her so she wouldn't feel any pain in that spot. I even tried some of it on myself on a bug bite one night, and it numbed it so that I could not feel where it itched me. She never has tried the medicine, and every time I bring it up, she either changes the subject, or just says she thinks something else is wrong and doesn't agree with what the dr. said. I said try going and getting a 2nd opinion, but she never has given me an answer. Our 5th anniversary is coming up the 28th of this month, and we're going away for the weeekend. I'd really like to get this problem solved by then, and I think we both would be much happier if it were and we could enjoy our vacation that much more. Also, we are still intimate with each other...I kiss her on her breasts sometimes, and she likes it, and once we were "wrestling" and she accidently hurt my penis, and she "kissed it to make it feel better," and we both enjoyed it, but she just seems uninterested or nervous about trying intercourse again. What can we do to resolve this, and how can I bring up without hurting her feelings, that I'm feeling deprived sexually?
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Try to look at things from your wife's point of view. For her, sex is something that has always been associated with pain and distress - not pleasure - so it's little wonder that she's anxious about having intercourse again.
The fact that you are still intimate with her suggests that she hasn't lost interest altogether and that she's probably just as eager as you are to get the problem sorted. So how do you do this? Well, it's time for a full and frank discussion. I know you have tried talking before, but perhaps you're going about it in the wrong way. Instead of asking her to try the cream and talking about how you're feeling, (and I do sympathise with you!) ask her how she's feeling and if there's anything you could do to make her more comfortable with sex. This way, she won't feel like you're pressuring her into doing anything, but she may open up a little and allow you to help.
What I would suggest is that your wife needs to learn to associate sex with pleasure again. The problem seems to revolve around penetrative sex, so have you, for example, tried using oral sex etc to do this? Maybe once she starts to relax again in the bedroom she will feel confident enough to try intercourse.
If, and it's a big 'if' - there's no overnight solution! - this happens by your anniversary, be gentle and go extra slowly (hard, I know, when you're releasing a year's worth of pent up frustration!) The cream that the doctor prescribed sounds like it might numb most internal sensation that your wife may have during intercourse, so while she's not feeling sore, she's not exactly feeling anything else, either! Therefore, make sure you're concentrating on other areas of her vagina and body so that she is more likely to enjoy herself and look for a repeat performance!
Best of luck to you both!
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To be honest you two need to talk about this
without worry for feelings being hurt. If this continues,
it could destroy your marriage.
Looked at like that a few hurt feelings isn't
so bad.
I hope you can get her to at least try the medicine the doctor gave her. She may be embarrassed to try it. If she doesn't feel comfortable doing it, you try applying it for her.
If all else fails she needs to seek help for not wanting to try. Whatever fear she is having needs to be resolved before it has a negative affect on your relationship.
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I think she might have some emotional issues regarding her problem. She could be embarrassed or ashamed or it or knows she won't get any pleasure from it, so why bother. You could ease her into it and maybe make the lidocane cream something less "medical" and you put it on her while you're getting her in the mood. Tell her she is beautiful and stuff that will make her feel wanted without making yourself sound like a hornball. I hope it all works out for you! <3
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Obviously, she has a medical problem, but this problem looks like it's created some mental troubles. I suggest getting marital counseling, because that's always a good way to get your feelings across and have someone help you solve whatever problems you have at hand. A counselor can help you get to the root of her problems with trying to use the solution to her sexual problems.
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First of all, putting this on a time frame is a little unrealistic; you guys haven't had sex in over a year. It's going to take time to fix. Also, you need to not worry about hurting her feelings. As long as you are kind and honest, you will not hurt her feelings. If you approach it badly, like "Hey, baby... what's up with the booty?" then you're going to get a bad response.
I actually have had that same problem a few times. I am a very small woman (5ft, 100lbs) and I think that was part of the problem.
Also, perhaps she needs a little more foreplay. Try to ease into it; don't make it seem like foreplay. Be nice. Cuddle. Do the dishes. Whatever she likes. Then when the moment is right, give her a nice kiss, or stroke her hair. In fact, stroking a woman's hair produces oxytocin, which provides a calming effect. The pain could be from a nervous tightening-up of her muscles because she is not relaxed. It could be gas. It could be a lot of things. I assume the Dr. ruled out fibroids and cysts and things like that that can cause painful intercourse.
If something is painful, we don't want to do it. It's very possible that she is nervous about trying again; no one likes to be in pain. Then her being nervous causes her to tighten up and that makes it worse. Have you tried over-the-counter aids, like lubrication? That can cause pain, also.
The thing you need to do is be open, honest and upfront. You are never going to get what you want unless you ask for it. Try to make it a relaxing, no-pressure situation and see how that works.
Hope this helps!
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