|
I HATE MY SISTER i hate myself
f/24/turkey
i hate her so much. i really hate her. i hate her i hate her i hate her.....
i use to be miss "gold" when it comes to us two in the fam (since we are not the only two, but are the youngest).... i had big mistakes now and then, enough to make my parents kill me but my older sis use to think i was just dumb and naive.... which probably i was..... anyway i went to a college near school (so i still lived with the fam) and had like a split personality here and there... nothing too drastic though... i loved my friends but i always felt insecure about how much they loved me... i mean i find myself being extra nice and going out of my way to do things that are "nothing" for them and not for my fam..... i knw how stupid. its just that as a kid i grew up in a different country and went to an all girls school (althrough elementary!) and i couldn't deal with how the kids were.... at home i was something there i was something else... don't even get me started on that. basically in order to fit i needed to become someone different in both places and sadly neither was me.... so as i grew i learned that the common thing between all social pools was that if you were nice you fit in. youre happy... i discovered this in my first year of college when i got a bit of freedom away from mum and dads microscope.... it sorta became a bad habit too. and i became addicted to it..... my grades and dedication went down (i was valedictorian... and now i have 60s....) i didnt want to continue in premed and i started to lead a hedonistic life..... plus my older sibs moved away and they were such a big part of my life....we did everything together.... and now i was stuck with my bitter younger sister who hated my life of hedonism and who loathed every ounce of my existence... she leaves the room if i am around she shuts the door in my face if i come knocking... she says i am such an air-head blond wannabe... i am not bubbly or ashlee simpson... but i am not hillary clinton either.... i am just me....
well i never did anything wrong in my life until last winter... when she finally got out of highschool we both went away for college.... my hedonism phase reached its peek then... and she discovered the crazy things that i've done and told.... and at first i was so mad at her because i got in so much trouble... and i can't afford that for many reasons so i sorta contained things by putting in a couple of white lies.
she treats my like shes older and that i am dirt and that i am beneath her class or level... i see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. mom took us to a flea market in our home town she began to act all snobby and was yelling at my mom to leave because there were flies and it smelt. she thinks she's better than everyone...
she embarrasses me everywhere we go (because there is conflict when family me is faced with outside-world me)... my older sis who is now so mad at me and believes that all the times she protected me i took advantage of her teamed up with this sis i hate and they manipulate each other. i don't think i can match them. and i know. I KNOW! that my younger sis has it in her agenda to destroy me if it meant not risking herself... but it does so she just makes me trip on my own crap by manipulating everything.
she has a bad bad habit as well... she snoops into peoples business and says she has nothing to do with anything.... she snoops into the maid's life, my life, my dad's life to see if he is cheating!
i mean i admit we are a very dysfunctional family (and i partly admit i blame my need for friends and people on them for making me feel that i should hide everything from them not the outside world) but why is she so determined to make me like her otherwise she won't respect me!????
i am tiered of this. i have no one. my friends won't talk to me because i had to explain a really embarrassing situation to them (i don't want to make this question any longer so i won't get into that).
i am just so confused. and i am afraid the dual me is firing back. i dont want my parents to find out who i am outside or vice versa...
i am not sure who i am either....
before this hedonistic era in my life... i was questioning everything and i was even telling my sister (older) how i am worried about how i am loosing sight of what is right... i know if i had my younger sister as a friend (who is nice not bitter!) i wouldn't need the outer world... i am so confused and worried... i messed up big..... i don't know what those "friends" i tried to explain to my problem think... they just ignored my emails (since we are not in the same towns for summer and i cdnt tell them in person).... to be honest they are bad people... and i only hung out with them for the 'fun' they brought along... and that lasted an hour or two? anyway so i tried explaining the situation (in my culture the above is not normal... trust me if mum and dad know how "americanized" i've gotten i am fried)... i hate them so much. so now i am stuck under their mercy and hoping they dont say the truth. and the mercy of my sibs for not finding out and telling the parents...... i hate my sister! its all her fault for snooping........ for the record its nothing like sex or some shit like that, i just stirred away from modesty.... i am still a virgin and proud, the only time i thought about loosing it was when i thought my hymen broke when i fell once and thought to hell there is no point when all evidence is gone... and that drove me partly to confessing my love to this guy (who i knew subconsciously was gay... probably coz i knw he was i told him coz i knew it was hopeless... most of my pursuits are that way... now that ba***** has been ignoring me even when i sent him a msg about my problem) but when i realized its still there i just flipped 180 degrees back and retained my old values and confidence....
i dont knw what to do! i learned my lesson!! but i am afraid life wont let me go that easily... my sister wont... i will get cought.... help!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You need to forgive yourself and let go of the past. Whilst you are still beating yourself up about your hedonism, your sister can still get to you. Do you think it is possible that she may be a little jealous of your free living in the past? I feel that talking to her won't make much difference but I suggest that talking to someone outside of your family will make a big difference to how you view yourself and your relationship with your sister. There is no need to for you to continually try to and apologise for what has happened because you can't change it. What you can do is learn from your experiences and hold your head up high. You have come through all this unscathed and you have a lot to offer other people. Please try to find a counsellor that will put everything into perspective for you. I wish you all the very best and if I can help you further please let me know. Take care.
]
well there is certainly more than one issue along that whole question...hmm. well i would need more details as to make a complete judgement but I can do with what was provided =P. haha anyway...umm i think mabey a psychiatrist would be your best bet in this situation, it would be someone who you can tell absolutely EVERYTHING to. and the best part? they can't say a word to your parents about it. its not much but I hope it helps
]
More Questions: |