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Supporting my friend
My best friend and I are nearly 16 and have known each other since the age of 4. We grew up together and are very close, it's difficult to imagine a life without her because she's played such a big part in it.
This year, her family have gone through a very traumatic experience involving sexual abuse (my family were involved too, but on a much smaller scale) and things have been very hard for her. I have been incredibly supportive and as understanding as I can be, always listening to her tell me about her problems and giving her as much advice as I can.
However, recently I have found it increasingly hard to be there for her all the time. She has taken the attitude that no one else's problems are as big as her own and are therefore petty. I feel I can't tell her about my own family issues without her thinking that I'm being selfish. She was recently upset and took it out on me, which really upset me because I've tried so hard to support her. I told her I was hurt by what she said, but she dismissed it and told me that what I was feeling was nowhere near as bad as what she is going through.
I know that what she is going through is hard and I don't mind helping her as much as I can but she acts as if the day I found out about what had happened to her family, I became her and took on all her problems. I'm not her, I still have stupid teenage problems and I'm going through a pretty bad experience of my own at home but all this is irrelevent to her.
I value her so much as a friend and I don't want to end our friendship, but I'm worried that if I tell her how I feel she will be angry and think that I'm being selfish.
What can I do?
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It sounds to me like she is not getting the help she needs to get over this. While we all heal in different ways and in our own time.....things should be starting to get back to normal, at least with you, her best friend. She is not getting on with life and the abuse issue is totally monopolysing her thoughts and time. Is she in therapy? Were her parents supportive of her when the incident happened? Have her parents dealt with the issue or have they just swept it under the rug? I guess most importantly, did the abuser get arrested? This is all part of the healing process.
You haven't done anything wrong, and it is normal for you to want your old friend back. She should understand that. She should want her old life back too. But she is not moving in that direction, and the reason WHY is the key here. I am not saying that you can solve her problem. You shouldn't have to, but maybe you are the only one who is concerned. You didn't give a date when everything came crashing down, you only said this year. So assuming that enough time has passed, maybe you can help her to get her old life back.
Here is what I suggest.
I suggest you back off just a little on spending time with your friend. Just a little, enough for her to notice and ask. And expect that she will be mad or upset. "why haven't I seen you, why haven't you called me, (texted me, IM'd me, whatever) ????" You know I need you, blah, blah blah.
Now you say. "Oh I am sorry, but you are hurting so much and I don't feel like I am helping you...I'm not making any difference at all." continued......"I hate to see you hurting so badly. I feel so helpless, I mean....I can't help you with your problems and you can't help me with my problems." continue....."It used to be so important to me to be able to share my problems with you, you were always so helpful and made me feel better, and now I am just bothering you." "You made the biggest difference in my life and now this issue has come between us. I am at a loss...." (OK something like that)
Now you have put the ball back in her court.
And I am hoping that by telling her how much she was able to help you.....how strong she used to be....how close you two were.....she will realize that she misses that too. You see, she is going to have to fight to ger her old life back. She is going to have to go through the motions even if they don't feel right, right now. They will in the end. I am hoping that you can get through to her by reminding her what a good life the two of you had. A good friendship, that was mutual, not all one sided.
Here is one thing I know to be true. When the vicitm doesn't get on with their life, the abuser wins. Even if he gets arrested and gets life in prison. She may as well be in prison too.
In the end, you can't make this change for her, and I certainly understand that you can't wait forever. It has happened that women have let an incident like this ruin their whole lives. If she chooses that path there is nothing you can do.
But it is not too late yet. I hope that you can find your way to trying this, and see if it helps.
You are a good friend for wanting to help, she is lucky to have you. Good luck to you.
Michele
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