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Food Acceptance
I'm in the process of overcoming . . . eating issues. I'm not to the point where I can call it an eating disorder, although chances are, it is. But that's not important.
I'm increasing my calories slowly, and the higher I go, the more difficult it is. I'm still at a number well under the recommended minimum intake, yet it seems obscenely high to me. I have motivation; I want to be healthy because I want to eventually work as a psychologist and help others be healthy. The problem is remembering that goal when it comes time to actually eat the extra foods. Before I eat them, I'm pretty good at convincing myself that it's okay, even necessary. But after I eat, it's an entirely different matter. All I can think about is how sick I feel and how (irrationally) I'm destroying everything I worked for. I feel like I've totally lost control and that I'm going to regain the 100+ pounds I managed to lose over the last year.
But I want this . . . sort of. Any suggestions for reminding myself that no, increasing calories will not lead to out of control binging (I have a history of that, as well) and that it's for the sake of my health? I'd rather not have something as obvious as notes hanging around because frankly, it's not something I want my family particularly involved in.
Apologies for the length; if you've read this far, I appreciate it.
I'm 20, female, if it matters.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
First of all, good job so far on increasing your calorie intake. You are making progress, and the fact that you are even writing this question means that you do want to keep improving.
You said "I want this...sort of", I believe that you DO want it, but you're afraid that you will lose control. You mentioned that you lost over 100 lbs., is this part of what's holding you back now, that you're afraid you'll just put the weight back on if you eat a healthy diet?
Since you are interested in psychology and seem very well-informed I'm sure that you've probably heard that eating disorders are often more about control than they even are about the weight and the food. Of course, you don't want to be heavy and that's a part of it, but a big part is also feeling like you have control over something in your life. If you go back and re-read your question I think you may find it interesting to note that you actually use the word 'control' twice. So this seems to be an underlying issue.
There usually are underlying issues with things like this- which is why it helps to speak with a professional. They can help you uncover what the 'real problem' is that is preventing you from reaching your goal.
If you absolutely can not or will not see a counselor, try at least some kind of support group (online if you prefer) that can help you work through this. It's much easier when you have someone to talk to who 'gets it'.
Good luck, and keep up the good work.
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I know this won't be real helpful, but I will
throw it out there anyway. First, if you aren't
getting professional help with this you really
need to. Eating disorders can be very difficult
to overcome all by yourself.
Your body has programmed itself around bad eating habits. To start eating in a more normal way,
you may need a doctors help. I believe that
building up to it gradually is probably the
healthiest way to do that, but I am not an expert.
I do know if you suddenly just go nuts eating it can cause harm.
I know you don't want to involve your family,
and I understand. But, given your age, I don't
think it would be a problem. However having some
people supporting you might be a good thing too.
You need to get to the point where you aren't
obsessing over food. The problem is that unlike
smoking, drinking or gambling...you have to eat.
So, my advice will have to be for you to seek
some medical help. I think you know this already,
you just have to make yourself say it out loud
to someone other than yourself. That will be a
very big first step.
You aren't alone in this. It would be a big
help if you could talk to others who know
just exactly what you are going through.
Best of luck to you. You have a lot of work
ahead of you. You will make it though. :)
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A good idea is to think of food as fuel. If you don't eat anything, then you will have to putter out on the side of the road. Healthy food is premium fuel and junk food is the cheap stuff. You need it, and you literally cannot live without it. I realize it's one of the hardest things you have to do, but whenever you "destroy everything you worked for" YOU ARE TAKING A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!
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