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depressed boyfriend..
Hi everyone. I really need some help understanding my boyfriend.. This is ridiculously long so... but advice is soo greatly appreciated. Please.
All right, so my boyfriend & I have been together for almost five years (we're both 21, so we've been together since we were 16). We've been through so many different things; bad, good, everything. Last year we broke up because he felt like he wasn't ready to fully commit to me. After months of being, I guess people would call it, "friends with benefits" we still acted as if we still together anyway. We broke up because he wanted to experiece the partying thing & the whole nine. *rolls eyes* In February, he wanted me back. He said he didn't want to go backwards anymore by messing with other girls. He wanted to move forward & that meant by being with me again & rebuilding our relationship. Things have been great between us ever since. Our relationship felt incredibly real & I believed that this was the real deal, that we were finally on the same level now that he got all that stuff out of his system.
Tonight he texted me this: "I'm in miserable state of mind right now and its not because of u. Youre everything in a girl a guy would want. I'm in a state of depression right now. And its not fair for you."
He thought it'd be best if he was alone.. that he needs to figure things out in his life. It was out of nowhere. I know he has different shit going on in his life but I didn't know it was that serious. I mean yeah its serious but it never seemed to effect him this much before..... & I don't understand why he can't be with me. Maybe I sound selfish, I don't know. But I was depressed for 8 years & knowing how it feels, I would have thought that instead of pushing people away, that instead you'd want to keep the people you love close. & he says he loves me & still wants to be with me & that knows he's making a huge mistake. He says he wants to marry me & everything but he just can't be with me. I just can't seem to understand.
I didn't want to be selfish so I let him go. He's doing it for himself & I can't hate him for it. I told him to think on it but he seems sure that its best for him to be alone. I don't know how sure he can actually be since he said it just came out of nowhere right then & there. I don't think he's lying & I know there's no other girl or anything so its not a bullshit ass excuse just to leave me. I just think he needs more time to think about what he's doing with me.
Before we talked on the phone, in the text I said to him that I'm not going through another break up & then him realizing he made a mistake & then us getting back together again. I told him I'm not going through that shit again because it hurts & if its over then its over for good. But after talking on the phone & understanding that he's doing it for himself & not because he wants to go out & be a guy, I regret saying that. Because it would be wrong for me to walk away because its not like he's breaking up with me to be with someone else, you know. But he said to me that he doesn't want me to ever take him back because he doesn't want to keep doing this to me & because its not fair... & we won't talk or see each other ever again... He knows how much it hurts me. He's right, it does. But still... he's going through depression & I can't hold that against him.
I guess I'm writing this because I want to know what you guys think about this whole thing. Why would someone who is depressed want to break up with a person who loves & cares about them & wants to help them to get better? Is it even good for him to push me away when he knows he loves me & still wants to be with me? Is he being selfish or am I being selfish by still wanting to stand by him? & are we really over for good? He usually knows when he makes a mistake & comes back to me & when we say we won't speak or see each other again, he always ends up calling eventually. I just don't know about this time because its just so much more serious. What can I do? Should I just let him be?
Any & all advice or thoughts would be great. Sorry about the length. Thank you so much.
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I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation; it really hurts to watch someone you're close to go through something like this. One important thing to remember is that his depression is not your fault nor your responsibility. It's great that you're being empathic, but you shouldn't allow your ex to drag you down with him. A good realationship needs two healthy individuals who want to make it work. Right now he's not healthy and even if he wants to make it work he's not in the right frame of mind.
I would advise you to let him know that you'll be there for him if he needs support but that you plan on moving on. Then do it. Go out with your friends. Get more involved in school/work. Meet other guys who are at a better point in their lives. If you want to, go out on a few dates. Just because he's depressed doesn't mean you should be, too. Remember that your life will go on with or without him. ~Dani, f/20
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Well, im sorry about the whole situation first of all. I can kinda relate to your guy though, i broken up with my guy so i could go partying and stuff && then realized i loved him so i went back to him and everything. I've even told my boyy i wanted to break up with him when i've been depressed. But all he did was hold me when i was upset and everything and he kinda made it all better. I think you two should not break up. You should call him, explaining that you'll wait for his depression to pass by and you'll be on his side everystep of the way if he needs you. Tell him you love him and you dont want to loose him. You're not being selfish. If you two still can't figure it out maybe you should seek a counciler. Good luck and tell me how it goes.
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I'm really sorry =
But, my advice to you is try & sit down & talk with him. Person to person. Because I can understand where you're coming from with you not wanting to leave him & everything. He probably doesn't want to be with you anymore because he knows he's going to keep hurting you and he doesn't want to put you through that. I think it's fine that you want to stick by him even though it hurts you. I mean, who wouldn't? I wouldn't agree with someone who says it's a good idea for someone going through depression to push away one of the people that loves & cares for him the most, but maybe he's not thinking. So talking to him would be my best advice.
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okay im 16/f and i've been depressed since like i don't know how long. and he's telling you that he can't be with you right now is because he's really hurt and he needs love. and he can't be with you is because he's hurt inside and doesn't want you to be hurt. im pretty sure you do love him alot. but what he needs is some counseling and a lot of love. so try and get him a counselor or something because that might help.
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