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please someone correct my poem?
please someone whos good at poems correct this poem? im really bad at writing poems but what do you think about this poem please be honest sorry i messed up a lot i was just trying to make it rhyme and stuff.( i know u dont have to make it rhyme but i did =P)and can someone give me an idea for a title? thank you
EX:This poem is about my good close friend moved yesterday...=/ im really sad so i wrote this i need your honest opinion and i want you to correct it thank you so much =]
You told me your moving miles away
I couldn’t say anything, left me speechless Didn’t want to get hurt, so I tried to drift away
I was scared, it was like me trapped in the darkness
She began to notice, and asked me why I’ve been ignoring her
I knew I was avoiding her but I denied and said her “I’m not “
I tried to act so cold like I didn’t care, and avoided her like she was a stranger
But the pain is getting stronger each day and its hurting me like I was shot
Time passes by, it seems like we don’t really talk anymore
But I thought about the good and bad times we had
Like we always talk to each other and talked about deep thoughts…before
But now we don’t, what happened?It was my fault for distancing myself from you I felt bad
So I wrote her a goodbye letter, and gave it her with my teary eyes
Trying not to be sad and pretending I’m okay
Tomorrow is her last day, and my mind was fulled with goodbyes
I couldn’t sleep, my heart was being so fast like I was being chased by a lion in railway
Last time I’m gonna see her, I told myself not to cry and say bye
When the bell rang, my heart was already pounding I couldn’t take it
My teardrops starting to come out and I began to cry
More than I thought, she tried to cheer up but she couldn’t so she quit
She left me behind, I was blaming myself for everything
I didn’t want to cry she turned back one last time
I regret everything I did and I’m still crying
It was like a rain, teardrops wont stop falling in school time
I found myself thinking….
One day, I’ll see my friend again and be happy again someday, sometime…
[ ]
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Your poem is a very honest attempt, but there's a lot of mistakes.
Mostly grammar, clashing tenses and use of "her" and "you" in the same phrase.
Also a bit repetitive.
I tried my best to correct it but I'm warning you it's very different than your version
Corrected Version
You told me you're moving miles away
Left me speechless with nothing to say
Didn’t want to get hurt, so I tried to drift away
I was trapped in the darkness as
You wondered why I was ignoring you
I denied it even as I knew I was
Acting so cold
Acting like I didn't care
Treating you like a stranger on the street
But the pain is getting stronger each day
And it's hurting me like I was shot
Time passes by
We don't talk anymore
But I think about the good and bad times we had
Before, we'd share our deepest thoughts
I can't ask what happened
Knowing it was my fault
For distancing myself when we should have been closer
So I wrote you a goodbye letter
Gave it to you with my teared-up eyes
Trying so hard to pretend I'm okay...
Tomorrow's your last day
And my head's swimming in goodbyes
Insomnia, my heart beating so fast
Something was chasing me further away
Now it's the last time
Telling myself not to cry
My heart pounding as the bell rang
I couldn't take it
Teardrops leaking, I started to cry
A futile attempt to cheer me up failed
Because we both knew nothing would help
You left me behind and I blamed myself for everything
Not wanting to cry until your last glance
The tears started then and they haven't stopped
I regret so much and I'm still crying
Tears' waterfall won't stop falling
In school time, in day time, in night time, for all time
But somehow I found myself thinking...
Someday, I'll see you and be happy again
]
You told me you're moving miles away.
I couldn't say anything.
It left me speechless.
I didn't want to get hurt, so I tried to drift away.
I was scared. It was like I was trapped in the dark.
You began to notice & you asked why I've been ignoring you.
I knew I was, but I denied your question & responded "I'm not."
I tried to act so cold like I didn't even care, and made it as if she was a stranger; someone I had never seen or met before.
But the pain I feel keeps getting stronger, and it's breaking me into millions of pieces.
Time passes by, and it seems like we're not talking.
But I thought about all the times we've had.
And I thought about the way we used to talk. We shared so many deep thoughts, and laughs, and now we're sharing tears.
But now it's not like that anymore. What happened to our friendship?
It's all my fault. I distanced myself from you, and it makes me feel horrible.
So from there, I wrote you a letter goodbye, & gave it to you with tears in my eyes.
I tried not to be sad, and I pretended to be okay.
Tomorrow is your last day, and all I can think about is you & saying goodbye.
I can't sleep. My heart beats a billion times a minute. It was like being chased.
It's the last time I'm gonna see you.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry & to just say goodbye.
But when the bell rang, my heart was pounding & I just couldn't take it.
I broke down & started crying, and my tears were like an ocean.
You tried cheering me up, but you couldn't, and you quit on me.
You left me behind in this town, you left me blaming myself for everything.
I still don't wanna cry, and yet you turn back for one last look.
I regret everything I've done, and I'm still crying.
My eyes are raining, and my tears just won't stop falling.
And yet I find myself thinking;
One day I'll see my friend again.
And happiness will come back, someday...
]
First things first, what what I understand, a poem can literally be written however you want. In my honest opinion, and mind you this might be from the fact I'm a songwriter, is I like it when lines flow using the same amount of syllables. Rhyming isn't always important, but it does give a good sense of flowing if needed. Take these lines I wrote as an example...
"A little saddened, he starts to log-in, for his sweet revenge
The one who left him, she cant forget him, he'll make his sorrows known."
The first line has 15 syllables in it, the second one has 16, but it's close enough. So if you have the ability to possibly shorten up some lines, it'll make your poem seem more structured, and would flow better if you read it outloud. But in all honesty, your poem would work as a poem as-is.
]
What Happened?
You told me you're moving miles away
I didn't want to get hurt, and I didn't know what to say
I was scared and trapped in the darkness
You began to notice, and asked me why I’ve been ignoring you
Though that was the truth, I fibbed saying “I’m not"
I acted so cold like I didn’t care
And avoided you like a stranger
But the pain grows stronger each day like being shot over and over.
Time passes by, it seems we don't talk anymore
I still think of our good and bad moments.
We would always talk to each other and talked about deep thoughts, before
But now we don’t, what happened?
So, gushing tears, I wrote you a goodbye letter
I gave it to you pretending to be O.K.
Tomorrow is your last day, and my mind was fulled with goodbyes
I couldn’t sleep, my heart was racing as if I were being chasing by a train
Last time I’m gonna see you
I told myself not to cry when I say my goodbyes
When the bell rang, my heart was already pounding I couldn’t take it
My teardrops starting to come out and I began to cry
More than I thought, you tried to cheer up but she couldn’t so she quit
You left me behind, I was blaming myself for everything
I didn’t want to cry she turned back one last time
I regret everything I did and I’m still crying
Like rain, my teardrops never seemed to end
One day, I’ll see you again and be happy
What happened?
]
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