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Getting Married...am i getting cold feet?
Yes i have been married once before but it was when i was 17 and i wasnt ready. Now i feel that i have reached a point where i am ready to really settle down. But, the man i am supposed to marry just recently started to be abusive after a year of not being abusive. I have tried everything to try and get him help but he says that i am the one with the problem because i nag him. Honestly i know he sounds bad but he is soo sweet and will do anything for me about 90% of the time. It is that 10% that he tweeks out for no reason or stupid little things. Lately i havent been too involved with the wedding because of all of this and i even tend to start thinking i dont want to marry him if he is going to abuse me. I wonder if i am getting cold feet because i really dont want another divorce.
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obviously you have had good advice to end the wedding plans and the relationship completely. I will add that you also must be suffering from low self-esteem and need to make a new start. Counseling could be very healthy for you and help you through this rough time of healing. It is very unhealthy for you to even consider staying with a person who is abusive, and I am worried that you might repeat this pattern if it goes unchecked. Do you have other controlling people in your life, people who have abused you or parents who told you what to do or think or believe? This is your time to reclaim yourself and your life. Surround yourself only with people who respect and support your decision. This will be a long road, but the alternative is the scary one you have been led down and will end badly. I wish you every blessing in life. You are worth more than gold and you are a precious woman who will not be treated like an unloved pet.
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Let me guess... You say or do something that rubs him the wrong way and he lashes out at you. Maybe at first the abuse was only verbal... But later escalated to physical abuse. Perhaps he is possessive? Suspicious? He blames you for the problems in the relationship and calls you all sorts of nasty names?
But you forgive him because... Afterwards he apologizes and promises that he's going to change. Maybe he even cries. And then he's super sweet, maybe even quite the romantic.
Your fiance obviously has some serious mental issues if he's abusing you. This is not your fault. He had control issues and problems controlling his anger long before he ever met you... His behavior fits the typical pattern of an abusive boyfriend/fiance/husband. I'm sorry to inform you that it won't get better... It will get worse.
Do yourself a favor and call off the wedding. There is NO reason to marry a man that abuses you. Period. It doesn't matter if your family understands or not (though they ought to if they love you).
Please kick this guy to the curb. Please?
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Yah. He does sound bad. Even if he is sweet 99% and is only abusive 1% of the time, he still would sound bad. A person who will beat or abuse another IS NOT a good person. Sweet moments or no sweet moments.
YOU are NOT the problem, nag or no nag.
HE is the one with the problem- he abuses a woman! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, VERY VERY BAD!
You haven't been involved with your wedding lately because likely your heart is telling you not to marry this guy. You should listen to yourself and end this relationship NOW.
Don't marry an abusive man. DON'T DO IT. Back out. Be proud of your cold feet, because they are trying to save your skin, here.
If nothing else convinces you- think of any future children. Do you want them to see him "tweek out" on you for 10% of their lives? Do you want him to "tweek out" on them for 10% of theirs? Surely not. Keep that in mind, will ya?
Also keep in mind that if your husband is abusive to you or your children, then your children run a very high risk of being abusers themselves. That means they may abuse their spouses, their children.
Or, they may just sit back and take abuse from their spouses. I know you wouldn't want a life like either of those for your children.
Yah, though you're ready to settle down, WAIT. Find a man to settle with who won't treat you like that, and respects you. This man has no respect for you if he abuses you in any way.
And that 10% will likely increase to 20%, 40%, 50%, 90%...
Remember: EVERY DAY a woman is battered by her man. He will then apologize to no end and whisper sweet nothings into her ear so she will stay, just to turn around and cave her skull in the next day. It is very sad, but very true.
You could be one less abused woman.
ygs-29/f
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Oh wow, read the warning signs. If you don't want another divorce, then don't get married. If you call off the wedding the people who love you will understand. They'll know that it is because you don't want another divorce and they will respect your wishes. His family, they may have a different outlook on it, because maybe they want to be rid of him, or want him to become your problem. You sound like a strong individual. You had to grow up fast, and getting married so young and then going though a divorce makes you grow up. I know what you are talking about. My second husband was abusive, and it was maybe 1% before the wedding, well it escalated, and it escalted FAST, and we were in therapy, because I didn't want to have another divorce in my life. I tried soo hard. But nothing helped. I finally realized that my husband was mad at the world, adn took it out on me. And I couldn't make him change, he had to want to. And like your fiance he said it was all my fault. So I ended up in a divorce anyway. After loosing lots of money and my self -respect. It was embarrasing to be in a marriage where I was abused. I am a professional person. I thought people would think that I should have known better. (and like you I did, but I went through with it anyway) Today my ex husband has been married and divorced AGAIN. He has had to take anger management, but nothing has changed. What is wrong with him happened in his childhood, and none of the people who have to deal with his anger are the cause of it.)
Please re-consider and save yourself a lot of heartache
Michele
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