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What should I do about my mother?
My mother is getting married in September and I really think it is a mistake. I think she is really forcing her fiance to marry her and he feels guilty about telling her he doesn't want to. She tells me that he really wants to, but I don't think he does. I have spoken to him many times and he doesn't act like he is very interested in the wedding or in being married. I know he cares for her, she had two major heart attacks and he was by her side for both - and she broke her ankle recently and he was there for her every day. He goes places with her, comes to family gatherings, etc, so I do not doubt that he loves her, it's just the commitment of marriage - he was married before, and his ex-wife left him for someone she met on the internet, so it was not a nice separation and my mother was married to my father for 20+ years and it was a horrid relationship. My father was abusive and a compulsive gambler & liar - so I think she is just looking for peace in her life. I don't want to deny her any love or happiness - but forcing someone to marry you is not right. Her fiancee is still caring for his aging mother and the mother lives in his house, which my mother will be moving into after they are married. My mother thinks that his mother is not going to live very long, and if she dies, they are selling his house and moving out to a adult community. Now, this is what she is telling me, I haven't heard his side of the story.
I would hope he would tell her if he did not want to go through with this, but like I said, he doesn't want to make her unhappy. She is very obsessed with moving into the house and the wedding. This will be the first house she will ever live in, she lived in apartments her whole married life, and her fiancee is putting her name on the mortgage, so she feels that she owns the house with him. Legally she does, but the house is still her fiancee's and his mother's because they were there before she was. Her fiancee is remodeling the kitchen and other parts of the house, for her I suppose, but I am wondering if she is making him do that? It really bothers me that I feel this way, but I cannot shake it and I am on the verge of telling her how I feel, but I am wondering if that will damage our relationship or even if that will make a difference in how she is acting towards all of this? I have told her before how I feel, in a round-about way - but not directly. My two sisters feel the same way, but their attitude is that she is a grown woman and can make decisions on her own, and that her fiancee should tell her if he is not happy, but I really think he just doesn't have the guts to do so. Does my mom really want this fake happiness for the rest of her life? Should I tell her how I really feel? Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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I don't have very much(or good advice) but my thought on the situation is that your mom doens't truely love him. I think that her emotions for him stem from a selfish motive in her subconscious.
Her fiancee should sit down and talk to her about how he feels.
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I thinjk you should sit your mom dpwn with her boy friend and really discuss it. Communication is key.If they are not ready then they are not ready.
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I also agree with your sisters that she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. You have to just let her live her life as she sees fit. That's really all you can do, other than make her upset by telling her you feel this way, and she does it anyhow.
Look at it this way, he has already been with her through better and worse. He was there for her when she was sick, when she was injured, and through all of the good times they have shared. Things will continue to be the same between them after they get married. His love for her won't disappear.
I would be willing to bet that if he didn't want to marry her, he wouldn't. He wouldn't put her name on his home, wouldn't remodel for her, wouldn't move her in to share a home with his mother.
Before you consider outright telling her your feelings, do you know for fact how he really feels about this marriage? Has he told you she is forcing him, or do you just think it seems that way? If it is the latter, remember that things aren't always as they seem.
He may act like he isn't interested, but that doesn't mean he isn't. Guys don't seem to tend to be all that interested in the whole wedding thing, anyhow. It's more for the ladies to be all up in arms about that big day. Guys tend to just show up single and walk out with a wife. ;)
I can see how she would be obsessed with the wedding- she is excited on having life with a husband who is good to her, who is there for her, who looks after her when she's sick, and who she wants to watch the sunset with when she is old and grey.
I can see her obsession with moving into the house, because she has never been 'the lady of the house'. She does own that house with him. Not because he put her name on the deed, but because he has opened it up to her and is doing work on it to make it her home. Yah, he and his mother were there first, but they must be welcoming her into the household to be remodeling the kitchen and such.
I really don't see a man putting a woman's name on his mother's home unless he wants her to make it her home, too.
Why would you think this happiness is fake? Seems from what you have told me they must be happy together without a marriage licence, so why would that happiness change with a piece of paper? I wager they will be just as happy with one another as husband and wife.
Keep in mind that change can be stressful. Planning and preparing a wedding is very stressful. Remodeling your home is very stressful. He could just be feeling this stress, which can be mistaken for unhappiness. But stress and unhappiness are two completely different ball parks.
Since I don't know the answers to the questions I've asked, I will have to say that your best bet is to just sit back and wish them all of the best. Try to support her as much as you can. Try to be excited for her- this is a happy time for her, and she wants it to be a happy time for you as well.
ygs-29/f
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Hi Honey, I understand your desire for your mother and her boyfriend to find happiness, even if it is not with each other. But your sisters are right. They are adults. Wish that we could save people from themselves, but we cannot. I know, I have tried, and been hurt myself in the process. From your description, it seems that your mom is looking for some stability in her life. She has never had any. Her fiance must care about her if he is doing all those things for her. And his reluctance may completely be due to the fact that is first wife left him. And he doesn't want to go through that again. But life has no guarantees and the only way to be sure is take the plunge. Do you want to be with him on his death bed when he says, "gee I wish I had married your mom"? My fiance, after 6 years, finally moved in with me. He was very scared of making a mistake. But today, 6 months later, we are both happy and realize there wasn't anything to be afraid of. Because we both make the effort to make the relationship work. Your mom may just become the happiest person in the world after the wedding and will go overboard to show her new husband how happy she is that he cared about her enough to give her the stability that her life always lacked. (When things go wrong between them, it may be good to remind her of that.) One area that you might intervene (I know I would) is when your mom tries to have his mom move to an adult community. This is his mom's home also. That would place a lot of guilt on the husband and he would take it out on the person who forced his hand, your mother. You might remind her that his mother is also entitled to the same stability that she craves, and it is not right to take it away from her. Basically, they all have to learn to get along.
The best thing you can do is learn from their mistakes. Don't ever put yourself in a position where you have to rely on a man to support you. Earn a college degree and gain skills that make you employable. I found myself alone with two little boys and no means of support, back in 1991. Thank god I had a college education and was able to go to work and support the three of us. I had to provide the stability that my boys needed, even if I didn't feel capable. Today, they are both fine young men, and my oldest is graduating from college this year. thanks for letting me take the time to give you some advice.
Hope it helps
Michele
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