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Why..?
Alright, so.. my grandma died.. and I really really really loved her. I'm crying my eyes out right now, and I feel so incredibly horrible. All she wanted to do was see me, but I couldn't make it.. I really couldn't without jeopardizing my own life (long story, but trust me there was no way) and my mother told me that when she heard I couldn't be there, she was extremely depressed.. and died the next day. But now, the real trouble is.. Why didn't I call her?! I guess, in some way I was naive and thought she would get better and I would be able to talk to her later.
But I am so stupid. She didn't get better at all. I can't deal with myself now. I feel so guilty for not calling her when she needed me. Of course, I did try several times, and a lot of the times she wasn't home, or they didn't pick up, or something.. And sometimes I couldn't get a phone card to call her.. and sometimes I just had nothing to say.. But damnit, why didn't I call her anyway!?
I hate myself so much.. And I miss her so terribly. Everything reminds me of her too. I don't know at all how to deal with this. I know she's gone and I can't do anything, but.. I am just so so regretful :(
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It hurts so much when someone you love passes away and the guilt we feel is awful. We all regret not doing those things we feel we should have and blame ourselves saying "what if" or "if only I had". Whatever happens in life it is meant to be and remembering your Grandma with love and affection is the only thing she would want from you. Talk about her to your family and friends and laugh about things that you had fun doing together. There will be many, many times in your life when you will feel you have let someone down, but it is only circumstances that will truly stand in your way. If you are meant to be with someone when they pass, or if they need you in times of trouble, fate will always find a way of making sure you are there. Please forgive yourself as I am sure your Grandma would want you to. You miss her so much because you loved her so much, but the pain will pass and you will feel strong again. Have faith in yourself. All the best.
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I'm sorry to hear about your grandma but these things DO happen. My uncle only lived 10mins walk away from me and I used to hardly see him becuase I always used to think I can see him anytime I want. Then all of a sudden he passed away, just like that. I felt so low because he was just down the road all this time but I never took the time to go see him enough. It took me a long time to forgive myself but I eventually did because no one could have known what happen was going to happen.
When someone is ill the only thing we usually think about is they will get better so you shouldnt kick yourself for thinking that way but you seem to be holding onto a lot of guilt. Just know though that no matter how much you want to blame yourself you couldnt have changed what happen and to a degree there was nothing you could have done (that part you said about jeopardizing your own life). If your grandma knew all of this she would have totally understood.
Also you said you did try several times to try call her but couldnt get hold of her - this was all down to fate and it played out this way, you shouldn't blame yourself. We all eventually pass on, no exceptions. But there is one thing that makes us all emortal and that is the memories that everyone carry on in your name. The lives that are touched. By remembering her so much it's not a bad thing but ask yourself how would she want you to remember her? As someone who made you blame yourself for what happen or as someone who made a positive difference and influence in your life?
It all comes down to faith but just because she is no longer physically here anymore it doesn't mean she won't hear you. Talk to her, tell her how you feel. She will understand and I have no doubt she would have forgiven you. The hardest part will be you forgiving yourself.
"We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves."
-Joshua Loth Liebman
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