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help Jr Pls (pt1)
let me start from the beginning.. Okay here goes.. Ive been talking to this guy for almost a week now.. Met him online on a wedding portal site. Neways we talked for 3-4 days.. and things went well. talked wee into the nite.. for hours.. at a time, then.. we played a game called 20 questions.. then suddenly we got to the topic of gays.. and I had mentioned that it would be awesome seeing a gay guy with another gay guy.. that just totally turned himoff.. and he got disguste3d by that and hung up on me.. and sent a txt msg saying Idont want 2 continue this. i Havent spoken to him until day before yesterday and he told me dont worry about it.. I was wrong to be upset over this.. and I apologized as well. then I didnt hear anything from him yesterday no call no nothing. so I grilled him today on it.. saying I don't understand whats going on.. nor can I read your mind.. since your into be honest with me y cant you be str8 up with me and tell me.. I dont want to say anything that will make the situation worse.. aparently it did and he said you are actng weird.. ur not the same girl that I have grown to like alot. Then I said I am the same person.. and then I told a lie and said that I was having issues at home thats y I was all bent out of shape like that at you. He said you shouldn't take it out on the person ur getting to know etc..and I said your rite Im sorry.. He said you need to really slow down. I said and how do I do that? he said we'll see.. talk to you later.. and then he said he had to go to a meeting.. that was earlier today.. what do you suggest I do or not do? any comments/advice.. Ineed help im crazy about him and don't want to lose him..
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Okay, this was over the telephone conversation(s)?
Meeting him just a week ago is not enough time to become "serious." That's one concern that probably bothers him. A month is more feasible.
Secondly, that was pretty much a "serious" discussion to have had with anyone (guy or girl) to have revealed such intimate thoughts and fantasies.
He also could be quite a homophobic, and you expressed a fantasy that was the opposite of his views and beliefs. Thus, any points you had gained with him just went into the red. Zeroed.
20 questions was for generalized getting to know one another, not intimate knowledge.
How would you have felt if a guy you'd just met a week ago, started talking about sex and getting into intimate talk? You'd feel threatened and think he was weird or a preditor.
This guy was enjoying getting to know you, and that subject came up and it tuned him out for whatever reason. Homophobic or he might even be bi-sexual himself, and that bothered him for you to say what you said. Who knows? You certainly don't know him yet.
All you can do at this point is "damage control."
He told you to slow down, so slow down. Breathe, take a pause in topical conversation. Keep it clean and generalized: music, bands, movies & television shows, actors, hobbies, interests, jobs/careers, family & friends, likes & dislikes, foods, restuarants, places, activities, things you've done, places you've lived, childhood adventures and memories, school, favorite color, news topics, anything-- but not sex. And definitely not intimate fantasies.
His meeting was an excuse and you know that deep inside. Your gut intuition is telling you and you're feeling rejected and embarassed.
Now you'll HAVE to keep it light. More upbeat and casual.
So chill, forget the subject and ordeal, skip it and move on to the next. That's what he wants also.
Let it develop from here on as though it never happened and it will soon be forgotten. Out of sight- out of mind.
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Sounds like things have gotten really bent out of shape over a small miscommunication.
The situation:
* You guys were joking around.
* You brought up a subject that may not appeal to him.
* He reacted badly?
* The connection got dropped.
* You assumed that he hung up / broke the connection because of it.
I think you felt disapproved of, maybe attacked, and decided that he was making unrealistic demands about what kind of girl you "should" be: EG, not into kinky, kinky things like yaoi, (boy-on-boy sex, which is highly marketed, acceptable media for women in Japan.)
You thought he was being unaccepting.
You thought you were getting into a situation where you would either have to deal with disapproval. Therefore, you were maybe a bit defensive and hasty.
It's possible that he was being unreasonable and homophobic in his response, but that's not necessarily the case -- maybe he thought you were indirectly asking for him to do something he would be uncomfortable doing.
But that's beside the point.
He needs to understand why you were upset in the first place, and you need to know why he reacted the way that he did. If he did, in fact, break the connection due to disapproving of you, maybe he isn't the right guy. But if not, he just got accused of a lot of things that never crossed his mind -- and he might want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but he might not.
In that case, I'd tell him that I felt a bit insecure, that I expected him to disapprove, and I took the situation as a disapproval -- and afterwards, I was embarrassed at my reaction, so I said it was family issues. It wasn't; it did have to do with him and me, but I didn't want him to know that I was so defensive and fragile on that point, so I tried to smooth it over. I'm ready to set that aside and start over if he is.
If it helps, feel free to pass this on to him. If not, good luck regardless; we all have these situations come up at some point, and hopefully we end up dealing with someone who'll understand and work with us.
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First... I had a lot of trouble writing a response. Why? Because I understand how you feel. I have been in a similiar situation before. Actually... More than once. I don't want to sound harsh... And I apologize if I do.
These are the opinions that I have formed after reading what you have written... He sounds like a flake. I think his behavior proves that his acceptance and honesty are purely conditional. That doesn't work in a relationship. It also sounds like "he's just not that into you." If he was "into you" I don't think his behavior would have changed so drasticly.
And in my opinion... I don't think you've done anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with you. You were honest. And if he can't appreciate that, he clearly doesn't realize how special you are and doesn't deserve you in the first place.
My advice: don't bother with this guy. He sounds like a monumental waste of your time.
However... If you're still bent on pursuing him... First, put the situation into the proper perspective. (I.E. You don't really know him, you're not dating him but trying to get to know him better... And there is a chance that this might not work out, which is not a bad thing. Either way, you deserve total acceptance and you are going to find it. Whether you find it in him or in someone else.)
Second, don't stop being yourself. You were right when you said that you were the same person as before. Continue to be honest. Don't be afraid to speak your mind, and don't be afraid to make the situation worse. If he can't handle the truth, he can't handle you.
Third, give him (and yourself) some space. Let him come to you and don't press him for answers he's not ready to give. And remember... You've got better things to do than sit by the phone and wait for him to call. Don't put your life on hold no matter how much you like this guy. You owe that to yourself.
And last but not least... Buy a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg and Liz. It is the single woman's dating bible. It may sound silly... But you will be so glad that you read it. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of your interactions with the opposite sex.
Like I said, those are only my opinions and suggestions. Again... I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I just want you to remember that you are a beautiful person and that you deserve a man that appreciates your beauty. I promise, you won't be single forever. ;)
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well its just that if you really do care about him and he cares about you then this really shouldnt get in the middle of you. most strait guys will think that gay guys are gross but its a fact and they need to get over it. anyways talk about other stuff. show him ur still the same girl that he always knew and dont worry he'll forget about what you said earlier once you start chatting again. good luck.
SAM
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