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About to Become a Long Distance Wife and Not Too Happy About
I am 43 years old and have been married to a loving, thoughtful man for 16 years and we have a 14 year old son.
Unfotunately,a recent argument has spurred my husband to suddenly decide to take an overseas civilian contractor job in Iraq for 6 months! The original source of the argument was petty (I moved a drinking glass) but he says that he's short tempered because he's been under a lot of stress lately over the deep financial debt we're in. (We have an astronomical mortgage payment and three vehicle payements which take up practically our entire paychecks.) He says this job will pay $8000 a month and we can have all the cars paid off in 6 months and will be able to live a little more comfortably.
To make a long story short, I'm so angry and scared over this that it's making me physically ill. We've had several fights over this and I'm at the point now where I can barely stay under the same roof with him. He says I'm not being supportive while I think he should have looked into local job options or let me take a night job. Most of all, I think he should have given this more thought. (My husband has a long history of doing impulsive things only to regret them later - which is why we have the three car payments and the huge mortgage!) Instead, he let his friends talk him into this and only three weeks after the initial incident which started all this, he's all processed and is set to fly out on April 29th. So much for giving this some thought!!!
I've got no one to talk to about this and have been pretty much keeping to myself over the past couple of weeks. I just don't know how to cope with this. He slapped me with this so suddenly and expects me to be cool with it.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm so confused and so full of resentment that I can't think straight. One minute I'm crying and the next minute my blood is boiling in rage.
Any advice would be appreciated. I know that you military wives are in a different situation because your husbands have no control over where they are sent and you are put into a position where you HAVE to cope while my husband will be going over there voluntarily. But I'd still like to hear how you cope. What emotions did you have to deal with?
And if there are any other overseas contractor spouses out there in the same situation I'm in now, I'd definitely love to hear from you.
Thanks.
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You describe the job change as sudden, and your husband as impulsive, so you know it really was not the one glass argument that caused his decision. Men rarely vocalize their thoughts the way women do. We are prone to go over every detail of our thought process clearly and repetively until our partner or friends understand and can communicate on the subject and validate our feelings. Men grunt and keep their thoughts private where they are safe from exposure to criticism. I am telling you this, because the decision to take this particular job may be recent, but the longing to make a change and take care of the financial burden himself, has been something he has been struggling with for a long time. Just because it appeared to be a quick decision, does not mean it was not a very difficult one. No one is perfect and it would have been great if you two could have spent more time coming up with agreeable solutions before the situation snowballed. Is he alone in charge of your financial decisions and getting the family into debt? He is right to say to you that he is not getting the support from you that he needs and longs for. He needs you. Please don't make the last days you have with him before he goes off to a potentially dangerous zone, regretable ones. You are probably scared and this is a situation you cannot control. The anger has been masking your fear and frustration. Don't let that ugly mask be the last face your husband sees on you. This has nothing to do with who is right or wrong. He really does not expect you to love this hard decision, but he does expect you to love him. Military wives have husbands that made a decision to give up a lot of their personal choice and preference when they signed up, so the situation is not as different as you think. You have a son who is very impressionable and needs to see you support and love the man you married, his father. If you can't let go of the rage for your marriage, do it for your son. Prayers.
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I'm a military wife, and believe me I feel your pain and rage. My husband joined the army right out of highschool "volentarily," what they dont mention on the news at that most at his age with no work experience don't have a lot of options. He is nearly done now one year and two months exactly and we are free. I have been sick with fear outrage and disgust, for nearly three years. however we have been beyond lucky he has not had a tour in Iraq yet, but he did spend one full year in south korea without me, we'd only been married about 7 months, when he left. It was right after he joined they packed him off. anyways more to the point if there is a such thing as coping with this sitch I'm clueless. our marriage was nearly destroyed. However alot of military wives will give you all kinds of BS like be proud your husbands doing a good thing. theyll tell you to let your friends and family help you through it. if thats the route you take good luck, I found friends and family can't help because they don't understand what your going through. I personally drank and smoked pot the whole year, completely not kidding. obviously that is not good advice, just honesty, I did not cope well, but unlike other people i will tell you what sure as hell would've helped had I known it then.
1st get him a really good cellphone and half a dozen phone cards to take with.
2nd get yourself a voice over internet phone VOIP
comcast and other cable companies now offer it. I however use sunrocket (you find them online) either way get international. because if you don't and you plan to talk to your man that 8 grand won't help a whole lot. 3rd do everything you can to make all your phone or internet convos pleasant, absolutley no fighting. theres nothin worse than getting off the phone with you both pissed and him thousands of miles away with no wifely supervision. whether its true or not believe me your mind will go wild with possible scenerios. 4th avoid watching the news, everytime someone gets killed there (daily) youll trip out with worry. 5th make sure you have complete acsess to the funds he's making if he will be helping to pay the bills (ie the cars). talk to him often on the phone schedule time for it because there like a day ahead of us over there. 6th, keep busy, go out with your girls as often as possible and I found it helpful to help my friends let them lay thier troubles at your feet, It'll keep your mind on others probs instead of your own. Keep a calander and tick off the days that actually really helps. last but not least stash as much extra cash as you can i know you need to pay your bills but anything else save save save save so when he gets home you guys will be set for awhile if you don't it will be the same all over and he may turn around for another go at it. feel free to email me at nighthunter020@yahoo.com if you ever need to chat. by the way if your into reading buy like 50 used books that sound good and read one every day or week depending on your speed. the time will fly by. Good Luck
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Your son is 14. He's almost an adult. Old enough to understand that these problems aren't his fault. He has had a father in his life for long enough to have what's necessary to grow into a man. If your husband is going to run off to Iraq on a whim and isn't going to be a father, you're not doing your son any good by keeping him around. You're just doing yourself bad if he is causing you this much pain. Plus, I'm sure your son would have a much better life if there wasn't so much stress over your financial situation. Your husband is the cause of this because of his irresponsible decisions, but you are at fault too for letting it happen. Please don't back off on him. Stop letting it happen. At LEAST go to counseling with him. You really need it. This problem will only grow and grow and grow. Don't shove it behind the door while your marriage can still be saved. You can't just fix your negative feelings towards him internally. You need help. If you feel any better about this you are lying to yourself and it is only just temporary. You'll be okay only until he does something like this again. Then it will come back ten-fold. This needs to be dealt with NOW before everything gets even futher out of hand. It will keep coming back, each time worse than the last, if you just let it slide. A body can only take so much anguish before it just can't take any more. You are getting really close to that point. If you want to do anything for your son, don't just let it go and accept whatever your husband wants. A happy marriage means two happy people. You are not happy. Your son's life would be much better if he were being raised by two parents that respected, loved, trusted, accepted, and supported each other. Your husband isn't showing much respect towards you and you aren't showing much trust, support, or acceptance towards him because of it. Your son can see this. He can tell that you are angry and upset. He sees you back down every single time and never stick up for yourself in your marriage. What kind of example is that for him? Even more importantly, what is your husband teaching your son about how to be a man? You don't want your son to grow up being irresponsible and irrational like his father, selfishly brushing aside the opinions of his wife, trying to heroicly save the family by making outlandish, quick decisions without thinking them through or discussing them with anyone that they affect. Do you really want your marriage to be your son's example of what a marriage should be like? I certainly hope not. This is a serious problem. For the sake of everyone, get counseling and get it soon. If not for your and your husband, at least for you.
He may have an impulsive personality and everything, but what he has done this time is unacceptable. You're not being unreasonable at all. A decision as big as this needed to have been up to the entire family, not just your husband with no discussion beforehand. You, as a wife, cannot allow him to make such big decisions that affect you so much on his own. You need to draw the line. As of now, he has gotten away with everything he has done with no repercussions other than your disappointment, anger, and sadness. He needs to get his priorities straight and he needs to start involving you in his decisions. He isn't because you haven't made him yet. My advice for you is to go to counseling with him. These are serious marital issues that will destroy your marriage in the very near future. I'm sure he's a great loving man to you and a wonderful father to your son, but this has got to stop. No matter how wonderful he is other than this one issue, it doesn't matter. This one issue is the difference between staying together and divorce. It's that big of a problem and you need to stand your ground. Do not allow him to go to Iraq without exploring other options first. It's foolish, stupid, and selfish, not to mention dangerous. If he does, the marriage is over. Whether you want it to be or not, it is. Tell him that. If he doesn't take you seriously it will be the biggest mistake of his life because he is going to lose you because frankly, by leaving you, you have already lost him. If he can't put your feelings and wishes into account enough to take you seriously and try to deal with this in a different way before heading out to Iraq, he is not someone that you really want to be with. Don't tell him that Iraq is completely out of the picture, it isn't. The problem isn't that he's going there. The problem is that he made a huge spur of the moment decision without your input. Iraq should be a last resort, not a first. Help him try to come up with a better plan with the help of your marriage counselor. I really strongly advise you to divorce him if he leaves you. It is completely unacceptable for him to do that and honestly, it would be completely unacceptable for you to stay with him if he did leave. I hope that he's smart about this and decides to stay and work things out with you. You should be much more important to him than whatever money he plans to make. The one thing you should work towards in your life above anything is happiness. You are not happy with him right now. Do something about it and hope for the best. If things do go bad, you'll be much happier without him. He may life his life with a ton of regret, but there is no reason for you to. You will not regrat leaving him over this if you have to. You would regret staying with him much more. Good luck. <3
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HI
wow, you should actually be happy to go over sees. I grew up oversees. Im an american, too, but all my life i grew up in a place next to afghanistan, in the middle of the war (just in the beginning).
so your probably like freeked out of all the war going on over there, and that oyu have to dress weird? Sorry, but i didnt quite understand. Or is your husband just going? If you want some help from me, i would be happy enough to give you a lot of details, because my father can ask some people which he used to work with. just go to my profile and click on the question thingy. sorry that this doesnt make sense. hope i kinda helped..and i'll talk to you later. Take care
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