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Getting to know my husbands 17 year daughter
I want to know If its okay to try and get to know my husbands daughter of 17years. He and his girlfriend at the time had this child well he was never allowed to see this child and now after 17years later she the girlfriend decides to contact him and ask for child support, they finally met and everything seemed fine until my husband said some things that the girlfriend didnt like and now the daughter doesnt respond to him, she the 17yr old just found out who her real father was the mother lied to her or didnt tell her who her real father was until now and when they met for the first time they both wanted to get to know each other and get to know my children. I guess my husband told the girlfrien that he couldnt forgive her since she wouldnt allow his dying mother a picture of her 1st granddaughter and she died not knowing what she looked like. I want nothing to do with the mother and so does my husband but his 17year seems to be holding resentments towards him from her mother, I guess she is siding with her mother and is avoiding my husband I want to help her and my husband to get to know each other but I just cant seem to I feel like I'm interfering. Now it seems as the girlfriend wants to get with my husband in a romantic sort of way because she is constantly calling him and not about their daughter she is being selfish. What can I do or should I do anything? Do I just let it be and let time takes it course, the 17yr has been emailing my oldest 14yr old and seems to be getting along but I can sense that the 17yr old is hurting, the girlfriend had a dysfunctional family she didnt know who her father was and her mother was a drug addict and alcoholic alot of things happened between my husband and her and he had alot of resentments towards her and cause his depression to become severe due to this and now after 17years later she decides to come looking for him and disrupt my life. I am 41, a mother of 6 children I dont know how to handle this situation I am at a total loss here. Am I wrong to have such terrible thoughts about this "other woman in my husbands life,I dont understand how another person can hurt another so badly in this way and ask for forgiveness after this many years because she needs money...but I dont want those feelings to be toward his daughter if anything I want to console her that its okay and that we all want to get along I want a family like relationship to develop between my husband and his daughter
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Yikes. Your husband made a real mistake in getting together with this woman. Now he's tied to her by an innocent child, who's likely feeling very torn between her mother, who's been her parent forever, and this person her mother now says is her father. Has his paternity been established? Why is the mother pursuing this now? She sounds extremely untrustworthy to me and I don't think I'd believe a word she says without independent verification. I'm sure your husband is smart enough to stay away from her and not get entangled with her again. Write the mother off, as much as you can. When she calls, ask her right away what she needs and keep it business-like.
As for the child, I think all you can do is to make a gesture, like suggest that your husband give her something of his mother's, to give her a physical connection to him and his family. Ask her to come over at least once a week for a family dinner, and encourage her to speak with your oldest child. Let her know that you are always there to talk and that you would talk to her even without your husband being there.
Of course, my parents are still married and I've been married to one person for 10 years and neither of us has other children. So everything I said may be totally wrong. It's just what I think is probably good advice.
Good luck.
Sabine
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Don't feel bad for thinking badly of her because your're right. She caused multiple people pain for many years and now suddenly she thinks everyone can just forgive her. She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her immaturity.
I don't think you should try to get to into the daughters life for right now. Just because she already has a lot to take in and she might take it the wrong way, thinking you want to replace her mother, etc. For now just let things happen how they are supposed to and eventually things will fall into place. It's already off to a good start with your oldest and her getting along, maybe that will start things up.
I wish you luck and I hope I helped you.
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