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is my boyfriend a bad father?
I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 29. He has a nine year old daughter. He and her mom got married when she was born but it was really unhappy, from what he says her mom never wanted him around. After five years they got a divorce and she moved to New Mexico, where her family is, and took their daughter. He didn't want his daughter to see any more fighting so he didn't fight for custody, he was afraid of the things his wife would do or say and couldn't afford a messy divorce anyway, but he did his best to keep in contact.
About a year ago he met me and we started dating, and we're totally in love, he's an amazing guy who does everything for me. And things are better between him and his ex wife... she's actually been letting him talk to his daugher, and last time he visited she was a lot nicer and let him be with his daughter the whole time.
The problem is that because he lives so far away from his daughter he can't visit very often. They're about 15 hours away in a tiny little town where he'd never get a job, but he could move to a city four hours away from them and maybe see her more. But he's not sure he wants that, especially since I love my job so much and we're talking about getting engaged. It's really up to me... if I tell him I'll follow him, we'll move. He sort of thinks sometimes that it's better for his daughter if he keeps his distance to avoid fighting with her mom, but my parents said if he wants to be a good dad he'll do whatever it takes to see her all the time.
I'm asking this question here because I bet some of you have divorced parents... did they do things to try and live by you? If not, how awful did that make your life? If you could ask your parent to give up their job and friends to come live by you and see you more instead of just calling on the phone, would you? If this is the guy for me, do we have to move, or does visiting 3-4 times a year make up for it? What if we just fly her out to spend summers with us? I really love my job here but I want to do the right thing for his little girl. Will we hurt her more by trying to see her, because it means fighting with her mom sometimes? Is my boyfriend a bad father for not doing EVERYTHING possible to get custody and be a dad? Please help, and don't be afraid to be honest, I need to hear the truth, I've been struggling with this problem a LOT.
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Your boyfriend married young and has been divorced for less time than he was married. Not fighting for custody is one thing, but not being interested in regular visitation is entirely different. The thing is, we really only know his side of the story. Truth is subjective and the way he sees what happened is probably different than it was for his wife at the time. No one can argue that fighting in front of kids is good, but it takes two to argue...always. He cannot use that as an excuse. Being in love and a couple is much more simple than being married and sharing a child to raise. It is easy for him to be a great guy to you and virtually effortless compared to the responsibility he gave up as a husband and father. He may be a good guy right now, even a terrific boyfriend, but when the pressure is on and time tests his ability to stick to his commitments can he do it? I don't know the answer to this question, and it is hard to be objective about someone we are in love with and have a sexual relationship with. Your parents suspect the same thing I do and question his integrity because of the choices he is making in his life that are more about him than his girl. Can you imagine marrying him, having a baby together, and when it gets rocky he wants to split and leave you with his child to raise alone? What does that child feel? Rejected, ignored, unloved, unworthy, and sad that she does not have a father in her life that values her enough to be a consistent part of her life. I have personal experience in this area. Kids don't care about money or fame or toys a hundreth as much as they care about someone being with them. Taking walks and talking, listening to their fears in life and dreams. Why wouldn't a parent want to be a part of their child's life? It would literally kill me to be separated from my children...even on the days they drive me nuts. You can't make this man love his daughter the way you know he should. You cannot save her through marrying him and encouraging the relationship. I have been married a pretty long time and I love my husband, but I will never be able to love him with the same unconditional love that is effortlessly bestowed upon my flesh and blood. So, can a man that puts himself before his own flesh and blood daughter love you like you deserve? I would at least take time to consider what you are getting from him and what you are giving. If you are the giver in the relationship and the moral compass, then that is the way it will always be with this man. Can you have more from a man? ...only if you BELIEVE that you are worth more from a man. His daughter will grow up not believing she deserves much from the men in her life unless he steps up to the plate and fast. We can't change our childhoods, but you have the choice right now about the men in your life...make a good one.
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I do not believe there is a clear answer to your question. I can't say whether or not your boyfriend is a bad father or a good father... And I don't think anyone else can either. We don't know this man, we are in no position to judge. Besides... Does anyone know what separates good parents from bad parents?
When I ask myself the last question... The only answer that comes to mind is: LOVE. Both my parents have made good decisions and bad decisions while raising me. But I know that every decision they made, they made in MY best interest, because they loved me.
And now... I'm going to tell you a story... Because it might help you. When I was conceived, my father had a serious drinking problem. That's why my mother divorced him and moved out of state before I was born. I saw my father a twice before the age of four. After that, my mother met another man, my step-father, who later adopted me when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't hear from my biological father again until I was twenty years old.
I know what the reasoning behind those decisions are. My mother considered my father unfit to raise a child, and feared that she might die. In the event of her death, she wanted to make sure that someone she considered responsible would be my care-taker. And my father, after speaking to my mother the last time, thought that perhaps she was right. Maybe he was unfit to parent a child.
People have asked whether or not my father's absence affected me in a negative way. Yes... But what my mother told me about my father affected me more than my father's actual absence. I was told that he was an awful person, and that he didn't love me. Since he wasn't there to defend himself, I believed it. Hey, I was a child, I was impressionable.
Being told that my father didn't love me, and that was the reason he wasn't a part of my life, made me feel... Made me feel like there must be something wrong with me. I struggled with this for many years, it contributed to my seven year war with depression, and affected almost every relationship I had with the opposite sex.
However...At the age of twenty, I realized that if I had questions... Why not just ask the only person who could give me an honest answer? So I found my father...
I live in Georgia, and he still lives in Texas. We talk on the phone, but we only see each other for a week every year. But that is enough. It's enough because I know he loves me, and that he ALWAYS has, and I know why he did what he did. We have a great relationship... A much better relationship than I ever had with my step-father. While I lived in the same house with my step-father for 16 years, and called him "Dad"... We were never close. He didn't really talk to me, we didn't really spend quality time with each other. But when I talk to my father... He wants to know everything about me. What I've been doing, what I think about, no detail is too boring, nothing I say is unimportant. And when I do see him, we have that quality time with each other. To laugh together, to talk with each other, to hug... And those are the important things...
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... If your boyfriend really loves his daughter, if he talks to her, and spends quality time with her when he gets a chance... Then he is a good father, at least in my opinion, and I think that everything is going to be just fine.
Try not to stress out too much about whether or not you guys should live closer. If you can, that's great. If not... One day that little girl is going to grow into a woman, and she will understand. Wherever you are right now, the two of you have built a life together there... And sometimes that life isn't easy to abandon. It doesn't make you or your boyfriend selfish, it's just the way life is. She might have trouble understanding that as a child, but once she lives is the real world herself... She'll know. What might make it easier for her while she is a child, is if you do take those necessary steps to see her when possible, whenever you can. Remember that she just wants to be a part of your lives... And letting her be a part of your lives is what makes the difference.
You know... I think this girl is very lucky. Lucky to have someone like you in her life. You might not be her mother, but it's obvious that you care about her and what happens to her... Otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about this situation.
Wow... This is really long. Sorry. I didn't mean to write a novel. Guess I'll shut up now... Good luck to you. Adieu ;)
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This is a really tough problem, my parents have been divorced since I was 3 (I'm just about to turn 16 now) so I know what your boyfriends' daughter is going through. My parents live pretty close together
(within a five mile radius) believe me, this is a lot worse (at least it was on me). My theory is that the further away someone's ex is, the less they have to think about them, so moving closer would probably be a bad idea. I think it would be nice if your boyfriend saw his daughter every month or so and they did something really fun and different every time so she would get a good impression of her father, with apsalutely no mention of her mother whatsoever. My parents always talked about each other when I was around, it was always "that reminds me of the time your mother cheated on me" or "that reminds me of the time your father hit your sister" the fact that they talked so horribly about each other didn't exactly dismiss those beliefs. Sparing his daughter the pain of watching her parents fight does not make him a bad father, not at all. I think it would be best if your boyfriend didn't fight for custody, his ex-wife might get jealous and start tell his daughter lies about him and you. This may sound cruel, but I'm just talking from my own experience. I don't know you or them on a personal basis so I don't know the right answer, but I really hope I've helped you.
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im nto sure if this is the answe ryou want to hear. but i think you should try to get closer wit hthe daughter. you dont have to move taht far away from where you are now. but every girl needs there father. but you dont alwasy have to move closer. my best friends mother lives in florida and we live about 12-14 hours away. and they are as clsoe as ever she calls her maybe 2-3 times a week and everytime theres a school vacation she goes down to her mom. then like in the summer she visits for a month and a half. she gets xmas presents and bday presents from her mother. you dont have to live right there just as long as she knows that he loves her. spend maybe some holidays with her or maybe like the day after christmas or something. and also since your getting engadged to her father make sure you have a good relationship with her. because alot of children ahte there stepmothers. so make sure you guys are really tight. make her feel safe around you. and you know what dont worry about her mother. she cant hurt you and if she does she will have to pay for it. just make sure that the girl knows that your htere for her and make her feel loved. hope i helped. if you need anymore advice just ask
--crissx33
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He really should go to where his daughter is. There is no reason he should have to see her mother except when he picks her up and drops her off.
He should never just not have contact with her because of her mother. That sends the wrong message to the daughter. She needs him in her life. She really does.
If you want to have a future with this guy, it should be close to his daughter. :)
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