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Do you have what it takes to solve the long relationship pro
This is long. Bear with me.
I'm a 14 year old boy in ninth grade.
There's a girl. I'll call her Jean. I've known Jean since the end of sixth grade, and over the years a mild "she's pretty" crush grew to what I at that point thought was genuine love. In eighth grade, Jean and I became very good friends. I was, and remain, attracted to her independence, creativity, deepness, and beauty. My major flaw would be that around her I've always had the tendency to grow quiet, becoming sort of a background lurker when her friends are around. I don't think that comes off very well -_- But anyway, back to the story.
In seventh grade we were writing a song together for our chorus, and I would often call her and talk to her online. I spent most of the day at her house once. My affections were also heightened by the fact that we were in the same musical, and the emotional level we were reduced to by the last few weeks (very, very stressful) eased things along. In those weeks of stress and difficulty, we were there for one another, and by then I felt that I was truly in love with her. Mind you, this whole time I had been a rather whiny bitch over my MySpace blog: "Oh, I'm in love with a girl but she doesn't know I love her." "Oh, being in love is so hard". Mind you, she was well aware it was her.
At the very end of the musical, one of Jean's friends (who I later found out was sent by Jean) asked me whether I liked Jean or not in private. I, being naturally paranoid and defensive, said no. This probably goes on my list for the top five mistakes I've made in my entire life, as this information was relayed back to Jean. She soon lost interest, and my guardedness and inaction proved to be my downfall. After that, everything turned sour. My feelings for her, barely changed, but she grew to find me more of an annoying background character than a friend or anything more. This hurt me deeply, and I froze myself up inside.
Luckily enough, I met a wonderful girl at camp. I'll call her Lindsay. By the end of the summer, I had nearly forgotten Jean and I was dating Lindsay. Lindsay lived 90 minutes away from me, but we talked on the phone for two hours a night and saw each other every other weekend. Things were going pretty well.
Meanwhile, the school year began and I started at my new high school. Jean was not in any of my classes (I was unsure as to whether this was good or bad), and every time I saw her there was a tremendous awkwardness between us. I could tell she no longer flat out disliked me, but how could we possibly converse as normal when she had read all of those MySpace blogs? I began to hang out with the losers and emos, while she hung out with her regular theatre crowd. But time passed...
As things between us became very, very slowly less awkward (the occasional nod or hello), I began to move away from the emos and toward the theatre crowd. I felt that the theatre crowd was where I belonged, regardless of whether Jean's being in it would make things awkward. All this time, I talked to Lindsay every night, and rarely mentioned Jean. Our relationship began to wane over time. Finally, I felt fully integrated into the theatre crowd. Although I still had my "annoying lurker" persona when around Jean, we made a lot of progress. It was soon that I realized that I had rekindled my old feelings for her.
Regardless of circumstances, I could no longer hold back my old emotions. Her beauty is captivating and almost hypnotic, and all the characteristics that I was attracted to shine bright once again. Not to fall into old patterns, but my feelings for her are and were some of the most painful in my life. Imagine standing there as an observer, standing behind a wall of ice... I think of it as one of the worst pains in existence.
Now, what happened recently was a naked picture of Jean was discovered. A junior who I am going to call Wanker traded iPods with Jean's ex-boyfriend, and proceeded to start showing people the picture. I specifically requested not to see the picture (yaaay code of honor!), and made him promise not to show it to anybody else. It was apparently sent to a couple other people... With Jean's understanding and support, I devoted the past two days (Tuesday and Wednesday) to tracking down each address the picture was sent to and then wiping it from their hard drives. I'm a bit of a techie in that sense :P
All the while, I felt bad because of my relationship with Lindsay... But I know that we will be over in the near future. We have been going for five months, and our relationship has simply run its course. It's only a matter of time now. In any event, today, Jean was called to the office. She was pulled out of last period gym, and I waited for her until the school day was over. She got out, teary-eyed, and told me she'd talk to me later. I wanted to hug her so badly... But the VP was right there.
I got on the bus to go home, and the busses began to leave. Standing there, I ultimately decided "fuck this". Tired of being the lurking bystander, I got off the bus and waited an hour and ten minutes with a couple of her friends until she got out. When she did, she was crying, and I held her. I had pretty much been needing and wanting to do that since eighth grade. It felt really good. I finally saw her off to her car... I know she appreciates what I've done for her, but I really don't know other wise. Then again, maybe I do know but don't really want to admit that she has no feelings left for me.
Long story short, the school isn't doing anything and everything is Wanker's fault. After I had him promise not to show anybody, he showed the pictures to his entire bus. But that's not really important.
My point is, my relationship with Jean is so ridiculously strained and complex, I'm wondering what I should do. Is there any hope for me/us at all? If it's any help, here's one of my old questions that tells a lot about me, my stance on things, and my life:
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Thank you for reading this far. If you did, you totally deserve a cookie :)
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Hi,
What I gathered to be your question;
You have a complicated situation involving two relationships, which have been developing for 3 years, and 5-ish months. You're not sure what you should do, or whether things could work between you and "Jean". You think that your other relationship is over.
Additionally (reading your other question), it seems important for you to keep the support of at least one of the girls. Perhaps you're having trouble seeing the point of anything you do, the significance, and you feel like the world is a generally nasty place. That factors in to the decisions you make regarding relationships you form, and the way they might help you.
In a nutshell, the most dangerous thing you can do for your well-being at the moment is fence-sit. As you noted from previous experience, your "guardedness and inaction proved to be [your] downfall." Not much good usually comes from sitting things out for more than a few days to get your head straight.
Part of the reason you have not yet really managed to make much of the situation with Jean is your shyness, or perhaps unwillingness to commit to being heard, seen, or known by the people around Jean. Quiet, and in the background is only occasionally a good skill to posses. For the most part, if you want to be seen, be important, or interest someone, they have to know you are there with them. You have to have some kind of opinion about stuff, rather than just a presence.
So far when it has come to people I find that Myspace, Bebo, etc. have been completely and utterly useless. I think that sometimes it is easier to try to tell somebody you like them using a keyboard, but it doesn't really translate until it has become something in person. Something they can hear, or see. When you were complaining about being in love, why were you so sure that Jean knew it was her you were talking about? Is it entirely impossible that she could have been having nightmares about it being some other girl?
List of Top-5 mistakes entry confirmed. Why would you care if one of Jean's friends knew you loved her? She could have helped you! I presume that after reading your blog for some amount of time, Jean was wanting some kind of confirmation that it was her you were talking about. "she grew to find me more of an annoying background character than a friend or anything more."
When Jean sent a friend to ask if you loved her, perhaps she was feeling similar to you. Conflicted, and didn't know if it was her, or someone else you were in love with. Can you imagine if you had one of your friends ask her if she loved you and get a straight out "No" back? That would make you feel really crap, and apart from that, you would probably completely give up on her.
How you nearly forget somebody who you thought you loved in the space of a few months, after meeting somebody else, I won't even ask. Why did your relationship with Lindsay wane over time? Distance? Lack of shared interests? It's sort of important to know why things didn't work in any failed relationship, otherwise you end up living the same break up over and over again. On the other hand, if the slowing of your relationship with Lindsay has been caused by your rekindling with Jean, then you should be careful that you don't give up your relationship to something you may see as 'better', which may not even work.
Are you sure that your feelings of renewal with Jean are justified? It's a great danger when you believe you are in love with someone, that you blow them up out of proportion, and set yourself up for disappointment when you find out they are not as perfect as you believed them to be. I am sorry to have to say so, but it is best to be sure that when you "realized that [you have] rekindled [your] old feelings for [Jean]." that is was not simply you falling in love again, with who you think she is, rather than who she really is.
The naked picture of Jean is of little consequence. The school should do something about it, and if they aren't, then perhaps it's down to lack of knowledge of who was distributing it, or ability to think of a suitable punishment. Any way that it goes, further involvement from you would probably have little effect, and seem intrusive to her privacy in dealing with the matter. Not to say you shouldn't comfort her, but I'll mention that later.
You say about Lindsay "I know that we will be over in the near future. We have been going for five months, and our relationship has simply run its course. It's only a matter of time now." I read from that; the relationship is dead. As I said before, I hope this is not the pure fault of your feelings for somebody else, which might or might not be reciprocated. It is easy to give something, or someone up to take a chance for something better. But there is also the timeless "You don't know what you've got..." saying.
"She got out, teary-eyed, and told me she'd talk to me later. I wanted to hug her so badly... But the VP was right there." The only response I can possibly think of to this is "So GD hug her then!". What? Does the Vice Principal have some ISSUE with hugging?
When you were waiting for Jean to get out (from where?), did you talk with her friends? You should try to talk not just with her, or when you're alone, but talk with her friends in their group too. I'm sure you know this, but it's really important. It shows not only her friends, but also her, that you are not just a bystander, and that you have a nice personality.
"she was crying, and I held her." Kudos. This means that she doesn't hate you. Actually, I imagine that it means she must still like you at least a little.
With regard to your previous question; If you're looking for meaning and answers, then maybe you should consider the passage you wrote about problems. You obviously seem to have large issue with the way the world is going, and understandably so. "Meaning and Answers" are what you make. Unless you find something that you feel will allow you to make a contribution at least attempting to create a better future, then other people will be making the answers. Clever, yet stupid people. Most likely, the people who have created the current situation which you so dislike. You should try reading some philosophy books, you would probably do quite well as long as you didn't start talking the way the philosophers do. Then everybody would hate you :)
The way your plans fit in with your relationships is quite important. Whoever you chose to be in a relationship with must be able to understand the direction you're going in. There is no point in having a relationship hold you to what you have been, because it will simply end up blowing up, or dragging you down.
So just to make sure this makes sense at the end, I'll do my little synopsis now;
You need to decisively chose which girl you want to be with, and be kind to the other's feelings. That would mean being straight with Lindsay, if that's the way it goes. You don't have to tell her there's another girl, but you do have to have some valid reason for things not working out.
The girl you want to continue a relationship with should know that you like her. There are many ways you can do this. Friends of hers would probably be helpful/useful. How about the one who asked you before? What would happen if you were to say "You know how that time I told you I didn't love Jean, well...". If you need more help, you could either look up similar questions, or ask another one.
Whatever your decision is, you need it to be seen and heard. I think you need to try not to be so quiet, however hard that might be. Now, by seen and heard, I mean NOT "Hey everybody I love Jean *surname*" over the school P.A. Or even to a group of her friends. But you need to become interesting around her friends. You need to let her know that you're interested, without necessarily shouting it at her, or throwing pebbles at her window at 1 in the morning. But you can't be saying that you don't love her when her friends ask you. Or any time really.
From the situation you provided, it doesn't sound too off the radar to hope that something will develop with Jean. Best not to be too needy or hasty about these things though.
Hope everything goes well for you,
-K
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First you should evaluate your relationship with Lindsay. You didn't talk about it a lot, so to me, it seems like you weren't crazy about her in the first place and that now you're just going through the motions with it. If there isn't anything to your relationship with her than companionship then you should end it regardless of everything else that is going on in your life. If your relationship with her isn't that great end it for that reason. You don't have to tell her about Jean because Jean really doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with her. If you do say something about Jean, Lindsay will probably take it the wrong way and think that you are leaving her for Jean, which wouldn't be the case. You're just not that into her.
Now on to Jean. I was very surprised when I started reading your previous question. The problems that you describe are the complete opposite from what Jean seems to add to your life. If you decide to end your relationship with Lindsay, you should pursue one with Jean without question. Now would be the PERFECT time to make your move. You have done so much for her by trying to help her get rid of the pictures. She is definintely very grateful to you for putting so much effort in. She even let you hold her. You care so much, it is showing, and she is catching on.
There are two things you can do at this point. Keep helping her and getting closer to her or start a conversation with her and work your way to asking her out. Choice 1 would be best if she is angry at her ex and upset that the school can't do anything about what he did. Help her contact the police and see what they can do for you. You may be able to get this asshole on sexual harrassment or something. It's much better to get him in trouble with the law than with the school anyway. After all your help it will probably be very easy to ask her out. You don't even have to call it a date. Just go someplace with her. If you're helping her with this, you'll be hanging out with her a lot. This first outing will lead to more outings together and soon enough you'll start calling them dates and you'll be able to easily ask her to be your girlfriend. If she doesn't want to retaliate and wants to put everything behind her, don't get the police involved. Try to get her relatively alone and start by trying to make her feel better about what happened. Somewhere in the conversation (probably when she is thanking you and telling you how great you are) bring up the past. Tell her that you really did like her and you still do. If she responds well to it go on and describe some of your feelings to her. If she doesn't respond well or it's hard to tell what she thinks don't go any farther. See if you can get her to spend somem time with you outside of school. That will, again, lead to more and more time and probably a relationship.
It's hard to get past your nerves with things like this. Things aren't as complicated as you believe they are. Girls are easy to figure out. It's your own feelings that are not and those feelings are what complicate things. Try to leave your feelings behind. You don't have to be in the background. Things don't have to be awkward. They're not. Like I said before, this picture scandal is the PERFECT opportunity to start talking to her and becoming a bigger part in her life. Just try it. There is nothing for you to lose. If it goes badly, life goes on and in not all that much time you'll have another chance. The only way you would lose your chance is if you never tried. You love Jean. It's so obvious. You would be so good for her and she for you. The best part is that there is nothing stopping you from being with her other than yourself.
I'd like to add too, that refusing to look at the picture was extremely good and noble of you. It really surprised me when you said that you hadn't. You are a great person for not. Very few people would have been able to do what you did. You deserve 100 dozen cookies for that!
If I didn't go in-depth enough with anything let me know and I'll try to add to my answer.
Good luck! :)
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Ok, I'm in 10th grade and a guy.
First I think you should try to be more outgoing, I was really shy like you're saying all through middle school, but then I made myself be more outgoing, and things just turned around. More girls like you, you get more friends, you find the courage to ask girls out and lots of stuff just works out. So first off, try to be more outgoing. Second, the long distance relationship isn't really practical in your situation, try to break that off somehow. With Jean, she should like you, I'd say just ask her out. With what you've done so far I don't see how any other guy could possibly be over you in the picking order. Ask her out and continue to be a nice guy, but remember be outgoing. If there's something you want to tell/ask her, do it. If you constantly be afraid of what she'll think then you'll get nowhere.
Anyways, good luck.
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k well first of all, that was really long and i totally want my cookie in the mail. but it was good that it was long because you gave a lot of details. well i'm in 9th grade also and i know where your comin from. ok Lindsay seems like a nice girl but i don't think she's for you. I think you guys should just stick with being friends before you really hurt her. now jean, jean jean jean. i personally think you guys should just like date. maybe you should go to the priciples office about that whole picture thing. and like it was good that you held her because what makes a girl go crazy for a guy, at least for 9th graders, is when a girl is crying and a guy will just hold her and tell her its ok. so i think if you keep doing that, and like defend her and stuff. she will deffinately like you again, how couldn't she. i really think you should loosen up and be yourself around her. show her the reaaaaaaaaal you., don't let her see that annoying lurker side she has before. and be honest with her. so if a friend asks you if you like her and you do, don't lie. it's nothing to be ashamed of to the point where you should have to lie about something as small as that (although i've done it myself before).
but i apologize i didn't read the other question because it's amazingly long and where i live its still 6:49 in the morning and i'm gonna miss my ride!
but i wish you luck and hope i helped<3
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I read all of this.. where's my cookie? lol.. soo.. ok here I go: Lindsay, she might be nice and all, but you're in 9th grade (I am too, so don't be scared that some 40 year old creep is giving you advice) anyway, so you're in 9th grade, you need to go on dates, and you apparently can't date this girl since she lives 90 miles away. I say break up with her, but you could still talk to her. Jean, ya'll should be together. I mean really. It was REALLY sweet of you to go hold her like that. Keep doing things like that and she'll like you again. She was obviously interested before, since she got her friends to go ask you. If she liked you once, she'll like you again. Don't be totally crazy and outgoing, but open up a little. Be sensitive and sweet but, you know. Just DON'T GIVE UP, you will really regret it! This boy that did that, he's UGH.. something's wrong with him. But atleast it gave you a chance to possibly get Jean back, lol! Well, I don't really have anything else to say, just stay strong and yeah!
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