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Confused
I'm 21 and i'm engaged, my fiance is 24. I kmow you thinking that i'm to young but we have been together for almost two years. Recently we got in a fight about when we were going to get married. We originally wanted the date to be somewhere around April, but when I told him that I was thinking about waiting until I finished college he got so upset. He kept saying that us getting married wouldn't interfer with my work but I really want to wait. Planning a wedding takes up so much time. So anyways he just left afterwards and said that he would be back later. I stayed up and by 2:00 he still wasn't back and I started freaking out. I called some of his friends, but he wasn't with them. So by then I was really freaking out, then he came home around 2:30 drunk. I started yelling at him about how much he scared me, and he just blew up and started screaming at me. We've hardly ever gotten into a fight before, not like this. He started saying a lot of crap and practilly accused me of cheating on him and sleeping around, and also saying that I didn't love him. So we were fighting and then he hit me. He's never done that before.I ran into our room and locked the door. I cryed myself to sleep after that. The next morning I could tell how sorry he was when I woke up. He somehow managed to unlock the door, there were flowers and chocolate on the bed next to me and a note saying how sorry he was. When I got out of bed he was cooking breakfast and when he saw me he walked over to me and kissed me saying how sorry he was and asking for my forgiveness. He said that we could wait to get married as long as I wanted and started going on about how he could skip work and we could spend the day together. Does he honestly think that that would make everything okay? Was it supposed to? I told him I didn't want to spend the day together, and went back to our room and started packing. I din't want to be their. He tried to stop me from going but I just told him I would be gone for a while and left. I needed to think. Now it's been a week later and i'm staying with my friend who lives in Boston. (I live in New York)But I feel guilty for leaving, but why should I it's only fair. He walked out on me didn't he? And I miss him. I don't want to miss him, and I feel stupid for missing him after what he did to me. Am I being fair? He's called me a zillion times since then. I never answer the phone, but he's left a bunch of messages saying how worried he is about me and how sorry he is, and I guess part of me wants him to feel bad, even though I love him. I do still love him I just don't know what to do. I'm I being selfish in ignoring him and running away from my problems. I'v never ad to deal with anything like this and like I said I don't know how to deal with the situation. What should I do? Should I go home? Should I forgive him. I mean he just made one mistake, granted a big mistake, but everyone makes mistakes right? I'm just so confused. Please help!
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Well. I'm going to tell you one thing. And not something I tend to tell many.
From my own experience, if he is a shit enough to hit you once, he will likely do it again. And he will make you feel guilty that he had to do it. You know, your fault- not his. This generally falls after "Oh, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I'll never do it again, this was the last time, I promise, I swear I'll seek counseling, and on, and on."
The mental guilt-attack most used on me was "If you leave I will kill myself." Guess what? He isn't dead yet. It's just a head game to keep mind control over you by way of your sympathy and guilt.
Guys like this are serious control freaks. Eventually, they try to control every aspect of your life, including not allowing you to go out and have friends. Or they disallow you to see your mother, or even talk to her on the phone without him being present. You know, don't want you saying something he don't want you to.
You aren't being selfish. HE is selfish. Don't feel guilty. That's what HE wants.
My advice as to what you should do? Go home, but not to him. Go HOME. To your family home. Get out now and get away now before you feel more tied to him and feel unable to get away.
If they live away from your school, take a break from schooling. I wouldn't under normal circumstances suggest that- education is important- but right now it's more important for you to get away from the situation you are in.
I sure wouldn't forgive him. Don't make that mistake, or you will be having to forgive him again. And again. And again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yes. But REAL men don't make mistakes like this. REAL MEN DON'T HIT, EVER! This was one big mistake that he should have never made. Being drunk is no excuse for such a lack of self control.
Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person. But that doesn't mean we have to stay with them and put up with abuse. That is NOT love. Pick up your pieces and give your love to some one who deserves it.
I really hope and pray you absorb every word I just said to you and take your best interests into consideration with whatever decision you make.
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Don't go back to him until he agrees to some counseling. It's not a good sign. Look up domestic violence and see that the 'hearts and flowers' phase is what you're experiencing now in the cycle of domestic violence. Be cautious now because you don't want to be married and then have this happen again, only next time you have to protect children. Whatever you do, finish your education before you get married so he can't hold that over you. Be cautious.
Sabine
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i dont actually think you should listen to a 13 year old girl whos had absuloutly no experience in love, but i think you should stay away. he walked out on you and HIT you. thats BAD! he cant hit you! now you know how he acts when hes drunk. if he ever gets drunk again your going to have to deal with the same thing you are dealing with now. i would call him and tell him he blew it. that you dont want to be with someone who walks out on you and accusess you of things you didnt do and then hits you. tell him you need a month or two to work everything and youd like it if he would leave you alone. thats going to hurt him bad, you walking out on him for a month. after, you can come back and decide if your ready to forgive him or not. if you are, call him and tell him your willing to take him back if he promises not to do that ever again. everyone make smistakes, you just need to make sure he dosent make the same mistakes again. best of luck on your engagement!
xo
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