|
Mary is outta her mind lately, but should warn our friend?
This question requires a bit of a back story so please bare with me.
I have two friends, for arguments sake: Whitney and Mary. Whitney is my best friend and roommate. Mary used to live with us and we were all quite close, but she moved out over a year ago. As we have one large group of friends many of us still have contact with Whitney’s ex boyfriend Mark, although he no longer lives in town. They were together for about three years so it was rather serious but things are pretty good between them now.
Anyways, Mary is pursuing Marc romantically. Not sure a huge issue, we are all adults here. She was upfront with Whitney about it, here is the problem:
Mary is out of touch with reality. This has been going on for nearly a year now and gentle discussions have not worked. She has been going on and on about how everyone is out to get her, how no one has faith in her and no one respects her. She believes none of her friends really care about her and that we will all forget her when we leave university. She is no better with work or school where she has completely unrealistic expectations for herself and a really warped belief about her talents, so she is always getting frustrated and upset. Today she basically attacked me for truly no reason at all, telling me she couldn’t talk to me about Marc because I had no respect for her and because I bully her just like everyone else. I’m not exactly the first person she has attacked this way and she has tried to do this to me before as well. I pretty much ignored it, but she just kept at it today, saying things that seemed designed to offend me as much as possible for several minutes. I was totally shocked and pretty mad, but I didn’t say anything, I just let her finished and then started to talk about schoolwork.
So once again tonight I found myself talking with a few mutual friends about what to do about Mary (this is not the first time we’ve considered some sort of intervention, actually I asked a question here [Link](Mouse over link to see full location) about it ages ago.) She seems dead set on pushing us all away and making her twisted little fantasies about us reality. Several of my friends suggested we give Mark the heads up on this whole situation and have asked that I talk to him as I have the closest relationship with him since he is coming back into town to visit very soon. Normally I would, but because Mary has such a crush on him (and he knows it) I’m afraid he won’t take me seriously and think I’m just be vindictive out of my loyalty to Whitney. Which I’m really not. I’d be thrilled if they lived happily ever after, but I do want him to know that Mary’s perceptions are a pretty off if he is going to be spending a lot of alone time with her. I’d hate him to blindly encourage her self-defeating delusions.
So, should I tell Mark that we are very worried about Mary’s behavior or just leave well enough alone?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Marc is a grown up and you do not need to tell him what to think, but you can be honest about why you personally will not be friends with her. You made a mistake in listening to her rant on, without calling her on her harsh tone and cruel words. I would not be talking behind her back or planning another, "intervention" soon. She is already on the defensive and you would just be adding fuel to the fire. When people live in close quarters or community, they can sometimes become overinvolved in each other's lives. Set boundaries and the next time she starts to vent, you can tell her that unless the two of you can find a way to calmly communicate, you are not interested in being her soundboard. If she is truly a very irrational person, you need to be sure not to provoke her, and do your best to keep distance between you.
]
Since you consider him a friend I think you owe him the heads up about Mary. Just tell him you don't mean to interfere and he can believe you or not.
Just give him the basic things you are worried about. If you can get your other friends to give him their opinions it would be helpful too.
Tell him you aren't trying to discourage his possible relationship with her, you just want him to be aware of what he may be getting himself into. :)
]
More Questions: |