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I was told to ask you this question by stillbreaking__
Hi, I've never written to any sort of advice column before... infact I've never even read an advice column before. But I am at the point in my life where if I don't send something, or say something to somebody... I think dangerous things could happen.
I am 20 years old, and living in western Michigan. I won't tell you exactly where I am or who I am because I believe after I am done writing this, you could very possibly feel a need to send it to somebody who would probrably want to put me on medicine, or lock me up.
I have had a pretty decent life to be honest, up until the point when I hit 18 years of age. Some things about my life are pretty strange, like the fact that I started smoking cigarette butts I found on the street when I was about 9 years old. This makes me a smoker of about 11 years now. My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. I've been on near every anti-depressing medication that I can think of, and on the few occassions since I've become an adult that I have thought about taking new medications to try someting new; the doctors usually have a hard time trying to figure out what I haven't already tried.
I've never cut myself, becuase I have never really had a thing for blood. But... I have tried to commit suicide on two occasions from my freshman year until present date. I have been in and out of psychologists trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I have tried to diagnose myself. And the only thing that can be brought us is uncontrollable depression. Or bipolar disease, but the medications don't help me.
I feel depressed every day. There is a cloud hanging over my head that makes me feel like life isn't worth living. It isn't that I am the type to walk around moping or pouting to myself. I don't listen to emo music and cry to myself in a corner about why life sucks. But I do usually sit quietly and think about if I would feel better dead.
Sometimes when I am sitting somewhere I will get angry with myself for being so weak. I clench my fists and try to fight back the tears because I don't like looking weak at any cost. I just keep on going, grunting and crying the whole time.
Depression for me takes on physical symptoms aswell. Such as my muscles spasming to the point where I sometimes quake. I feel much weaker than I am almost all the time and I have to pump my adrenaline throughw arm-up exercises just so that I can go to work without feeling like I can barely raise my arm.
I want to die... but I'm almost afraid of what will happen if I do kill myself. I don't want someone to talk me "out" of it. And I don't want someone's sympathy... But I would like to hear someone's thoughts.
I'll give you a little bit more about my history now, just so that you know. When I was in middleschool nothing phenominal happened to me. The worst part was that I got into fist fights alot. Because my school was dumb and didn't know what to do about me because of it they sent me to special education. My mother had to threaten to sue in order to get me out and transfer me to a different school.
In highschool I wasn't exactly popular, I mean I went to a school with a few thousand students so very few people were all that popular. But alot of people did seem to know my name for some reason and I couldn't explain it very often. I dated girls online mostly because I was too much of a pansy to approach them in person. One relationship in particular sticks out in my mind with a girl from another state that lasted about 3 years. Some of that time I was still in middleschool.
I truly fell in love with her emotionally. Of course there was very very little physical attachment save self induced.. but I truly can say she is the only person that I have ever met who I would do anything just to hold her for 10 minutes.
I tried looking for her once after we broke up and I lost contact with her. Finally after about a year of solid searching she logged in quite randomly to her old screen name... When I told her that all I wanted was to talk to her and know that she was okay and everything else... She wouldn't reply. So I sent her one more message that said basically if she needed me or wanted me to stay completely out of her life and stop looking for her then i would. And she sent me a message back... that was very short. It said "so be it."
That was one of the times I tried to kill myself. I took about half a bottle of sleeping pills because that is all there was left, and when I got done swallowing them all the next thing I remember is waking up about 3 days later. It's while I was living alone so nobody really noticed, except my work which fired me for it.
I spent the year after highschool living in my car and eating when I got a free meal at work at Mc Donalds. I saved my money to put gas in my car so I could run the heater in the winter. And occassionally I would rent a hotel room or something so that I could shower and do my laundry about twice a week. Shortly after that is when I tried to commit suicide the second time. I tried to suffocate myself with a can of compressed air which I was breathing in to cut off my oxygen level. The next thing I remember a friend was kicking my ribs until conciousness came back and then he proceeded to give me a bloody nose and a few other bruises because he figured out what I'd done.
I tried the college thing, and overdosed on street drugs a couple of times. I couldn't handle myself on any kind of drugs or too much alcohal, I would let it take me over and eventually I found myself waking up in a different bed every night and with no money. So I went into counseling and stopped.
Then I moved to Detroit and started a production company with a guy i met at college. He promised he'd pay for everything so the 1 year of college and no degree was no problem. We went there, he spent all his money on random crap he didn't need, and that fell through. So I started working 80 hours a week as a security guard. Then when I finally was about to get my own apt again I went back to get my furniture and my car broke down.
The place I worked wouldn't give me the moneyt hey owe me for the last month I worked there, so I couldn't fix the car and got stuck in Grand Rapids (ish).
Now I finally convinced my mother to let me move into her basement temporarily, and convinced my dad to call one of the companies he does business with (because he's a pretty big boss at a disel mechanic shop) and he got me a job at a tire company.
And now here I am... spending every night praying that God, or whoever, or whatever might be listening would come and steal my life while I sleep so that I don't wake again... And while I am awake I think about how I could kill myself without it physically hurting too horribly much.
Once again I say that I don't want pity, I don't want doctors, I don't want medicine... I don't even want hope or a way "out" of it... I just want to know what your thoughts are from reading this. A response would be high appreciated.
Sincerly yours.
Kissing The Bullet Goodbye -
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Depression is a very tough thing for some people to get past. I do know you can be helped it just may take some time. That in itself is depressing I know.
I do know that some medications can take up to 30 days to really help you. Some need to be in your system for a while. So even though you don't want to try all that again, it may be you need to give it more time. It would really be worthwhile if it worked.
It sounds, by the size of the school went to, that it has probably been easy for you to hide. Don't do that. Be around family and friends as much as possible. Sitting all by yourself won't help depression. Try to keep busy. Work, go to movies,
just be active.
Tell a doctor about your physical symptoms. Those too can be helped.
Fight the urges to give up. They are the result of the depression and you know that. Get help where you can and never give up.
Don't blame yourself or get angry because you are feeling bad. It isn't your fault you feel
depressed.
Suicide is never the answer. If you can't stop the feeling of wanting to kill yourself for you, think of others. Think of what it would do to your parents. They would blame themselves. Your mom or whoever found you would be devastated for the rest of her life.
I am sure nothing I said will help much. I do hope you find something that will work for you. Never give up looking for it. :)
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I've read your question 3 times thoroughly. To be honest, I can't think of a damn thing to say to this. I would LOVE to help you, but I don't want to misdiagnose you. So i'm going to forward you to younggrandma. Find her column and ask her this same question. I'm sure she will help you much more than I could even dream of doing. She's very experienced and open-minded. Just tell her that [stillbreaking___] forwarded you to her.
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