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Problems with Mom
When me and my husband married, i moved out of my mom's house and about 30 minutes away.
My husband's parents took it well but my mom cant seem to get used to me not being there. She calls AAAALLL the time and e-mails and texts me a lot. She calls round a lot and then is never there when I actually need her.
I just don't know what to do any more. I feel like my Mom is obsessed with me. I know it sounds weird but she wont leave me and my husband alone! She's even taken to calling him if she can't reach me!
I've tried reasoning with her over this, so has my Dad and my Nanna but she doesn't get it. This is OUR time now, my husband and I and we need time to find ourselves.
How can I nicely tell her to back off? She's so sensitive and I don't want to hurt her feelings...
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Two words: caller i.d.! Okay, mom is attached and overstepping your adult boundaries for certain, but before we continue, I want to ask you to think about what areas of your life you do still need her to be in and how you would feel if you lost her. This is probably what she feels and she needs to know that she is still loved by you. That said, you need to also make certain that you are truly an independent woman and not coming to either parent with marital issues, money problems etc...because, the more you converse about your private life, the more she will think you actually need and want her involved. I don't buy the sensitive thing. We are all human, and some people just use their "hurt feelings" to manipulate others. You have feelings too, and she is trampling them. Stand up for yourself and tell her that you love her, but need to shorten the frequency of her phonecalls, because you want to experience being on your own. You could add that unless it is an emergency, you would prefer that she not call your husband. Are you wondering if she will accept this, or if you need to come up with a full-proof excuse, stop! It is not up to you to get her to feel differently or accept anything. She is an adult, and that is her perogative and responsibility. You need to not cross the boundaries yourself by taking on more than is your responsibility. Be respectful, but act as an adult and show that you can set a limit and stick to it, no matter what she pulls..."hurt feelings" and all.
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Sometimes mothers get lonely when their kids move out. If you are the only child or last one to go that is probably the case.
I don't know if there is any way of nicely telling her to stop. Seems as though you have tried that already with no results.
To get the message across without actually saying so to her directly just start ignoring her for a while.
I know, I know it sounds so mean but she will get the message pretty soon and you don't have to ignore her completely. Just pick certain times or times of the day that you will talk to her or maybe a day of the week...whatever works for you.
The rest of the time use an answering machine for your phone. If you have caller ID don't pick up if its her. If all else fails turn the ringer off when you and your husband want alone time.
Let her email. Just don't feel you have to answer or look at them right away. Do it when its convenient for you.
I hate text messages myself. If she is always trying to yak online hide your status when you don't want disturbed. If its on your phone ignore it or turn it off if you don't need it.
If she calls hubby he can just tell her he don't know what your plans for the day were but he is sure you will get back to her sooner or later. If she calls him at work have him tell her he can't take personal calls at work so please don't call here and get me in trouble.
If it makes you feel guilty to do that then after a while tell her WHY you are having to do it. Maybe by then she will realize what shes doing.
As an afterthought you might also keep track of when and how many times she calls you during ...oh a week. Then show it to her. Maybe she will see then she is calling to much.
Good luck. :)
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