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Loveless marriage and fear of being alone!
Hi my name is Vanessa. I live in the UK although all of my family are in South Africa. My husband is English and we have a little boy who is 14 months.
Where to begin. My husband and I have been having A LOT of problems over the past year. The birth of our son has put a lot of strain on our relationship to the point that we no longer have a relationship.
I no longer want him to touch me, we fight all the time. He is constantly calling me names. I am constantly putting him and his family down.
I have always been a little unstable. I have a history of drug abuse (3 years ago now) I was anorexic for a few years (5 years ago) I am slightly depressive and latley, I can feel myself getting more and more unable to cope.
I am in a lot of debt and that brings about a lot of financial stress. Instead of supporting each other, we use each others problems as ammunition when we argue.
I am very needy and I desperaly want someone to love me and touch me and look after me. I would not be able to cope on my own and moving to South Africa is not an option because of the debt that I am in the UK.
I need a realtionship where I am supported but I know I will not get it from my current husband. He will not go to a therapist because he can not open up to people. He says that I have made him that cold and suppressed. I don't think that is true.
We are both unhappy and have needs that are not being met. The solution would be to move on but how can I with a small baby and no friends or family in the uk??? I think that I would fall apart on my own. I think I would drive myself mad. I have done it before.
I have thought about therapy but I can not afford a therapist! I can not go on the NHS (free medical care) because that will go on my record and my husband has told me several times that he will fight for custody for our son and he will use my instability against me.
I love and cherish my son. He wants for nothing. I give him everything he needs and everyone I know says that I am an unbeliveably good mother who lives for her son. I would never in a billion years hurt him. I do fear that my husband will take him away from me if I see a therapist on the NHS.
I need a solution. Some advice. Someone that can put themselves in my situation and help me to figure out what I should do next.
I am desperatly unhappy :( Please help :)
Thanks for your time!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Every mother loves their child so much. The child completes a mother's heart in every way.
The question is, why did you have a baby? You should've been possitivley sure and your husband will be a good father; doesn't seem like it.
Think something for the best of your child. Does your husband drink? Does your husband abuse you or your child? Will your husband kill you or your baby if you do something he doesn't like?
I can't answer the question until you say this.
Have you tried to talk to him a lot and think what you guys can do to maket the relationship better...does he even love the baby?
If he does love the baby and will not harm it, try a divorce.
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If you see a therapist on NHS, that will most likely end up in your favor. You are doing something to help with your instability, which he will likely use against you whether you seek therapy or not. Doing something about it will often look good.
My husband and I are currently in therapy. It was something we both agreed to, which makes a big difference. Other than that, our situation was similar. I do think therapy helps. And I think it will help even if it is just you going. At the very worst, if things totally blow up and end in divorce, the therapist will help you to cope. At the best, he will help you to be stronger for yourself, which will be apparent to your husband and could truly bring about a change. He can also help you with better arguing strategies so your fights are productive instead of hurtful. And if you improve visibly in therapy, perhaps your husband will see the light and go as well. But don't get your hopes up on that. Go for yourself. Make yourself your main concern.
Our therapist is really encouraging and has really made us stop trying to fix each other and instead make our own efforts to be better for ourselves and our marriage. I feel better about myself and my abilities, and it shows enough that my husband feels better as well.
Go ahead and seek therapy. Let the therapist know your concerns about losing your child. I don't know what the laws and such are there, but here I am sure it would be a mark in your favor to be working to get your health on track.
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Hi there Vanessa! I'm PurplePudgyPenguin, AKA Kim, and I'll be your AG on this monday __ (I'm tired of writing morning, evening, night... I'm always wrong).
Oh my... Honestly you've pointed out every single piece of your problem, I'm very, very impressed. However, I've never been married before (*Big sign hangs over head flashing 'Only 16* *Rips it down*) or had a son. You sound like a very terrific mother, and for that I just want to give you a big hug! Your son is so lucky to have someone so willing to care for him. Through my eyes, you're someone I'd like to look up to - not saying this for an 'aw' reaction or anything, I mean it - because you see your son's welfare above your own. You're ready to face your husband to keep him by your side. You've got a great sense of motherly instict and I am greatly impressed by that. I can't tell you much more of what to do. You want to start over with a new lover, and you don't wish to be with your husband any longer. It's a tough call, since you have your son to worry about. You're cornered, and feel trapped (I'm imagining myself in your position. So I'm taking this through what I would feel. Sorry if it's inaccurate ^^; ), and you don't see any way of getting out. I'm so sorry to say this, and I know you won't want to hear it, but for the sake of your son and your love for him, put aside your own needs. I know it hurts and you're probably thinking, "This girl's only 16! She doesn't know what it means..." and in fact I don't, but I don't think having a new lover is worth giving up the son you already love very much. I was thinking, I'm no genious in the law category, but if you got a divorce paper that joins custody of your son, wouldn't that sum things up? Maybe I watch too much 'Liar, Liar' but I thought you could do that. I'm so sorry, I'm so clueless here. I'm not helping much am I? I really should just end it here.
I'm so sorry. This advice is by far the worst I have given, but since no one gave you any, I thought I'd lend a hand. I'm very, very, very sorry for not being of better help and/or assistance. I hope I did at least something. You are a very good mother, never forget that. What you're doing for your son is breath-taking and inspiring. Don't give up for a moment. Don't let your husband win. And you never know, maybe if you are patient with him, he'll start to lessen up with the fights. Another thing, I know it'll hurt your pride and once again you'll probably be thinking i'm amateur here, but give in a bit. Tell him your sorry, try to make the rift between the two of you slacken up. For the sake of your son. I'm sorry. It's not what you want to hear, I know. I can picture having someone say that to me and thinking they don't understand and it's none of their business. I'm so, so, so sorry again! I hope I helped.. again! If not, there are thousands of other AG's ready to help you out. Take care!
Luvs,
~PPP~
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omg i dont even know where to start... firstly i think you should talk to yur family and tell them what is going on is there any way u can do that? because your family should always be there for you, secondly you definatly need to devorse your husband, i mean if you really feel that you cant work it out, but only do that as a last resort, you also should try and have an adult conversation with him, no yelling, no fighting, just talking, just sit down and say i really need to talk to you about this and make it clear that you dont want to start a fightas for the money issue i dont know what to say, i am sorry but i do think you should some how get involved with your comunity, join a club or something, when you are out of your house it will be easyer to think and you wont be so sad, and who knows you might even make some freands:) well thats all i amve rite now... i really hope this helps you
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