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humorist-workshop
boyfriend rooming w/ his ex.
i'm female, 17, and a junior in high school. last april, a guy i wrk with,(who is 21 and doesn't go 2 school) finally broke up w/his girlfriend of 2 years. he told me in january he really liked me and there'd been a mutual attraction since then. the problem is, that, although they broke up, they still live together in a 1 room apartment (he sleeps on the couch) b/c he cannot financially afford to live on his own and he currently drives his ex's car. she has reciently threatened 2 move out which would force him 2 move back to WA (i suspect she wasn't serious). she's agreed to stay but insists that i don't see him 4 a while (which she's said before). i didn't know her previously and there is pretty much no chance of her feeling anything but hostility towards me. i don't want to break up w/him but i dont like the idea of his ex controlling our relationship and i know there's nothing i can say to her that will change her mind. i'm frustrated that he gives in 2 her continuously (possibly b/c he's afraid she'd leave and he couldn't financially support himself) but she's just his roommate now, yet he allows her to control him and what he does as if they're still dating (or she's his mother...). what do i do?
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Man, this is a bum situation for you, especially considering that it really has nothing to do with anything you've done. Firstly it seems to me that your boyfriend's ex clearly still has feelings for him, even if they are only feelings of resentment. If she was having a really hard time over them breaking up she would have moved out regardless, and if she really had no feelings for him (and was now simply a roommate) then she'd have no reason for this atmosphere of hostility. As far as I can see, the situation is going to continue as long as he stays in close contact with her- I doubt she is suddenly going to change her mind an embrace you. This means that you have two basic options. Confronting her isn't going to do any good, it'll just fuel her (irrational) dislike and cause her to get on at your boyfriend about you. Therefore option one is to wait and give it some time. Maybe after a while she will sort out her feelings for her ex and might be able to see him with someone else without getting irritated.
Secondly, you could confront your boyfriend about it. He is really going to be the only one to change the situation. Either he is going to have to speak to his ex, confont her about her feelings and ask her to stop hassling you (as well as getting some independence back), or he is going to have to strike out on his own. I know how hard it is to just jump ship without a long term plan, so maybe a compromise would be to start working on a plan to get him in to new accomodation with the minimum of fuss.
If he refuses to do either of these then you have to convince him that he's putting your relationship in a pretty unworkable situation. If he doesn't make a few sacrifices or face up to his ex, he has to know he might lose you.
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