It's hard for advice if the question needs to be brief as there's no background on which to base the answer.
That said, my 15yo daughter (not living here) is showing many signs of a teenager in trouble; she recognises life's tough for her at the moment yet when I've suggested therapy or councelling she flat out refuses. Those close to her have tried to councel her but I feel she needs someone she's not related to, before she'll open up and face the turmoil in her life (some she's created and some out of her control).
I am seriously concerned for her welfare and have tried seeking advice from the "welfare system" which was unable to help.
I'm a 42yo single mum with another daughter 14yo living with me.
Additional info, added Saturday April 22 2006, 8:46 am: 1. in 2004 I went into hospital, both girls went to stay with their dad. When I came out she didn't want to come home. Her dad says yes to "look good" whereas I set boundaries..eg: no school = no play. (she truants a lot since leaving home).
2. Her father has a nephew who is a convicted child molester (over 10+ years ago) whom I have to constantly battle to keep away from my daughters. My 15yo likes this nephew and they both speak of "love" though their meanings are completely different. When he recently found out she had a boyfriend he was using msn/sms/phone to play the suicidal victim if she didn't break it off with her b/f. Welfare have known about it all for a long time but do nothing but cover their butts. This is a long term battle with my daughter now hating me coz I won't accept the nephew contact she has. The courts and welfare say no unsupervised access but the nephew flaunts that concept. I've also heard rumours from her peers that she did in fact sleep with the nephew but she denies this.
3. At 14 she got pregnant and was ordered by her dad to have an abortion (which she still mourns visibly) and an implant in her arm for contraception.
4. Daughter's sister 14yo has Asperger's Syndrome, which 15yo is only just starting to accept. They've found it hard to get along in the past. (I've mentioned this as it's a contributing factor to why she doesn't want to come home).
5. Her father felt bad after the pregnancy so thought taking her down south would "fix" it. There she is socially isolated, her father lacks the strength to follow through let alone set limits....worse though, his g/friend has had enough and has now started being very nasty to my daughter.
6. She's drinking alcohol at least weekly - she is having sex with people she barely knows (3rd one) - her language is appauling - her mood swings are pretty dramatic - she's having panic attacks - she's making really poor choices - she's moved into a negative group of peers - she's in trouble at school both with bullies (some of which she brings on herself) and with teachers (swearing at them).
She seems to have no regard for anyone but herself, while at the same time seems to have an overwhelming sense of never being able to do anything right. She's spoken of suicide and her art doodling is indicitave of that holistic negativity.
She used to be on ADD medication which curbed her impulsive and irratic thought processes. Her grades have dropped as a result as has her self esteem. I'm not saying a tablet solves all things, but it did help her concentration and thinking patterns. She was embarrassed to be on medication so her father let her stop taking them.
Finally, I love both my teenage girls but have to admit to being intimidated by the chance of having them living together with me again but more fearful if she doesn't come home, for her sake.
I just mentioned that you should be ready because I work in a teenage center and once we let them go home back most of them comes back worse ...Becuase most parents think that once they are home everything is gone change in a spin into sugarland..
I just wanted to help
I have quiet a lot experience that's why I mentioned to you
Short N Punky answered Tuesday April 25 2006, 11:15 am: WOW! that is alot of stuff to handle, when i was a teenager and that wasnt far away i was the same exact way. Its the teen year thing some people fall into it and some dont. What you need to do is try to get her back and away from her father because obviously her father is a bad dad sorry to say but its beyound obvious that he is he cares nothing about her well being. If you get her back go to court to try it talk to a therapist yourself they can help you to get her back. Once you do she will change her ways around. But im telling you its just a teen thing shell grow out of it once she realizes how dumb it is. In the mean time you just keep an eye on the things shes doing and keep trying to inforce the parent roll just keep letting her know that you do care about her. There really isnt much you can do from a whole different side of the us but you can fight for her. Hope iv helped a little let me know how it turns out good luck!
Nallie answered Saturday April 22 2006, 12:55 pm: Oh Wow! I know all too well what it feels like to be a parent of a troubled teen. Without trying to diagnose it sounds like your daughter has symptoms of a mental health disorder (more than add).
If she flat out refuses to go to therapy, you alone will not be able to physically get her there. But that still leaves a few options.
1. You could go to a therapist alone, without your daughter at least for your own peace of mind.
2. You could consult with a program that will do an intervention on your daughter.
3. At the next outburst or evidence of her unreasonable behavior call the police and tell them you want to have her commited for psychiatric evaluation. They will physically take her there. You could even have everything ready in advance, the admission papers, the facility where she will go and so on...
Most of all don't blame yourself. If you have tried everything you may be at the point where you have to let go!
durgahelps answered Saturday April 22 2006, 9:42 am: You do have quite a big problem. But i firstly have to say that I think you are pretty fantastic to go through so much, especially without support.
Have you heard of 'tough-love'? It's basically a concept where you tell your daughter that you love her and so you're going to be very tough on her. Your daughter seems to need help, and at the moment, you have done all you can, and you don't have much external help. that has to change.
Have you thought of sending her to 'boot camp'?One good website is troubled-teens.org, www.crisiscounselling.com or many other website if you look under teenage problems.
This is your choice, maybe you want to go there and have a look, see if you're comfortable with sendiing your daughter there. Don't use it as a threat for your daughter, like you'll send her there if she doesn't quit smoking. This is a chance to change her life and you're giving it to her. Tell her father about it, and ask for his support or to back off, you don't want your daughter running back to him and ruining her life by making it easier now.
If you don't like the idea, then you are going to really have to build a network. Go to her school, tell her principal and teacher her problems. tell them to call you if anything goes wrong. Get someone to pick her up immediaately from home, and stay with her till you get back. Other than food, shelter and clothes, the rest are all priviledges that you take away until she earns them back. If her grades increase or something, than give her them back one by one.
She needs help with the smoking and drinking and she could be suffering from manic depression. She either goes for the meetings, or you get the court to make her. She can't do it by herself.But don't forget to tell you love her, and you think that she can do something with herself, that's why you're pushing.
For your other daughter, you might want to build her own support group, there are organisations that help with her social abilites. If you want, I can check up on them and send you an attachment or direct you.
And finaly, most important, you are right now what's holding your family together. But at this rate, you're going to burn out, and there'll be no one to help. Give yourself time out. Hire a babysitter or just ask someone you know to watch the kids and you relax. there are many home spa techniques and other relaxing techniques. I can send you some ideas, like using cucumber to relax your eyes.
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