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Boyfriend's parents
How can I explain to my boyfriend that if his parents end up getting a divorce it isn't his fault?
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Details [if they might help]
....Last night when I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend on the phone he told me that he thinks his parents are going to get a divorce. He says that all they ever do is fight and that his dad has slept on the couch everynight for the past two months. He said that his parents haven't said anything about getting a divorce, but he can just feel it and his younger brothers and sister cannot. He is 17 and the oldest kid in the famliy and he feels like this is all his fault. He thinks he has put too much stress on his parents because:
1. He is the oldest and is never home. He is always out with his friends.
2. He almost died last year when he fell off the stairs at school. [infact he feels that he cheated death because he was falling head first and landed on his feet]
I need a way to explain to him that if his parents get a divorce it wont be his fault.
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Your boyfriend is going through a terrible ordeal right now and if his parents DO get a divorce, it's going to get much harder on him because the chances are he will be forced to choose between his parents at some point. He needs to find a way to stay strong through this.
He needs to realise that the relationship between his parents is nothing to do with him. It's hard to explain but parents' relationships are a completely separate entity from their children and although marriages can be affected by their children, it wouldn't get to this stage because of anything a child had done. What I mean is that no matter what he or his siblings have or have not done, they wouldn't be having marital problems if there wasn't a problem there to begin with.
Moreover, although I understand it's his parents and he will want to help, there's NOTHING he can do and nothing he should do to fix it because it just isn't his responsibility to repair a relationship he isn't in. Their relationship involves only two people. His Mum and his Dad and he cannot get involved in that because they need to sort out their differences together.
I would also like to point out that normally bad things that happen to children help to pull most family's together. If they are still falling apart, it is NOT his fault. As I said, there must have been problems there for a while and he really can't blame himself because there's nothing he can do to change what is happening.
However, he DOES need to let his parents know the effect their problems are having on him and his brothers and sister. Whatever the problem they have, they shouldn't be letting it get to such a stage where it's making life for everyone else so much harder and, although I hate to say it, if things really are this bad, it might not be such a bad thing if they were apart.
Your boyfriend sees his parents as one thing. His parents. What he needs to do is see them as ordinary people, like everyone else. Like everyone else in a relationship, they're having some problems right now and like everyone else, if a relationship just can't work, there's no point pretending that it can, rather than ending it. After all, a prolonged loveless relationship will have a far worse effect on them all in the long run.
So get him to talk to them and let them know the detrimental effect this is having on them all and that if things really are this bad, they need to either get some help, such as marriage counselling or they ought to call it quits and end it.
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People think irrationally when they're going through a rough time but c'mon, how many couples have divorced BECAUSE of their kid? The most you can do is be there for him when he's upset, you may not be able to make things better but you can be his voice of reason. Try to do it positively of course but if things get bad (depending on what kind of person he is) you may be able to guilt him out blaming himself by pointing out that that's a little self centered. His parents may actually have problems that aren't about him. And always, remind him that the bad times don't last forever.
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hi! well first of all, a lot of times when people are going through a hard time, they try to seek a lot of attention from others in order to help them cope! im not sure whether he truly thinks this divorce is his fault or not, but either way just make sure to always be there for him and help make his life easier. always let him know that you are there for him if he needs to talk or if he needs anything at all.. he knows this already but it will be nice for him to hear you say it! but anyways, people always try to blame things on themselves, and most of the time, it makes no sense that they are blaming themselves. in this case, it is deffinitely NOT his fault... his parents don't want to be with each other... if he was the problem, they wouldn't want HIM to be around. if he was the "problem," his parents would WANT to stay together and help one another get thru the "problem." but that's not the case... they are each other's problem and they want to leave each other as a result. no matter what happens just make sure to tell him that it's not his fault every day, and assure him that you are there for him no matter what! it's a hard thing to go through, but he will get over it eventually, and it will be much easier with your help! :)
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