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Not exactly a happy person...
There's this girl that I am friends with and we seemed to have a really good relationship at first, but ever since she realized she can tell me anything (I'm really good at keeping secrets) she only tells me her problems. It seems like every time I see her she has some sort of depressing story and she always expects me to help her! I'm an advicenator myself, so I do give a lot of good advice, but she keeps pelting me with all of these things that really aren't that big of a deal, but she overreacts and gets really upset about them. Now I never want to be around her because I don't want to get sad, but I think she sort of needs me now and I don't know what to do! She gets upset about EVERYTHING, like if she sees the guy she has a crush on hugging another girl (hugging is a big thing at our school, everyone hugs everyone else) she will freak out and start crying and get really mad at that person and then just expect me to fix it! It seems like my best friend and I are just her counselors and that we are expected to change everything that goes wrong for her. We think she may actually need psychological help, but we have no idea how to say this because she will get really upset, and talking to her parents is not an option. Help! I'm posting this in the morning because I know there is another sob story at school waiting for me, and I'm hoping it'll be the last one!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First, you should put some distance between the two of you. You know, let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. Just make sure that she knows this, and let her know that this is exactly what you need. If she's a good friend, she'll understand your predicament. And also, tell her to not focus upon the negativity in her life because if you only focus on the negative things in life, then all of the good stuff shall pass you by. So, if she gets too annoying, then tell her to just deal with it. It's life and it's hard sometimes. Ok, hope I was some help and see you later.
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hey well she seems like she really does need help. but you should still be there for her even tho she may act a little crazy sometimes. you might want to sit her down and talk to her about it. say that i love helping you but sometimes you overreact and its not cool. cait ♥
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Well, first of all you are a most kind person for your desire to help another in need. If more people on our good earth did this, you can visualize what a better world this would be. However in the case you are continually enabling her. And this is not in her best interest when you look at the bottomline.
I don't like being a hard nosed person, but in my years on earth I've learned that to continually enable a person doesn't really, in the end, help them grow as a person. And it's not easy to discontinue the loop of dysfunction and denial because you are a good hearted person.
You'll have to start utilizing a bit of 'tough love' with this acquaintance. Tell her the next time she has one of her horrible problems she'll have to find her own solution because you can see obviously all that you tried to help her with hasn't done a bit of good. Tell her you know that she depends to heavily on you as an emotional support and that it's not adding to your life or the quality of your life, therefore you're choosing to move away from further self-abuse.
I know this sounds horrible, but months from now she'll be grateful. She'll throw fits and tantrums I'm certain, that's her obvious pattern and you must learn to allow her to do this. She may threaten many things in an attempt to force you into action on her behalf. Alert school councellors to her and her issues. That's about all you can do if you can't approach her parents, for it is their problem. Perhaps school councellors can contact parents, that is part of their job isn't it?
You've got to get a life don't you think? I'm sure there are others who would be use and appreciate your fine support and you will feel better about your efforts to assist someone. Helping someone help their self is much more rewarding and beneficial to them than is enabling them to continue their dysfunctional ways.
I wish you well and know you'll find the inner strength and the courage(you've already demonstrated you have this) that it will take to break the bonds that bind you to this issue. Think of it not as being bound to another person, but to their dark negative cloud of self-denial and refusal to grow on a personal level.
I hope you won't think of me as being hard and brutal...... but there are times when one must take a stand, stick to it and not bend over and take it over and over and over. A battering ram I now longer choose to be, nor should you. What example is that for others... that watch or witness this horrible enablement of human dysfunction.
If the threats of suicide should escalate... mental health departments in you school, city, county, state should be advise.... but you must not blame yourself if she in some way self-mutilates.... that is her choice and a responsibility of her parents/family!!!! Perhaps the two of you have a 'karmic debt' from other lifetimes that is carrying over into this one... I've seen it and it's very real!
I'll send you some good energy and be thinking of you often as you deal with this issue. You are the only one that can think of yourself, your life and those choices that will add to your reality. How has this experience with her issues added to your life after the first month or so of your attempts to assist her? How has it added in the months that have followed? I can't imagine myself enduring such a long haul with soooo much dysfunction.
Remain her friend if you can, but from a distance, say emails, letters or perhaps phone calls, but in person one on ones are definitely not working...wouldn't you say?
Sorry to sound so harsh and cold... I'm really a good hearted, happy and healthy person, but in my many years I've learned that when it comes to caring after myself, I am the one that must do that... what makes you any different I must ask?
Take care dear heart, and keep in mind and heart that by moving away you are truly doing your best for her.... tho it may not look or feel like it initially.... and you've already done more than most would have done and that's a lot!!! Do alert school officials, mental health agencies all of whom should contact parents and ask that you remain anonymous....
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I think your friend is just so relieved that she can come to someone for her problems...someone that will listen and care. She just needs someone to be there for her ...because for some reason, when mentioning physchological help...you said her parents were NOT an option. So, therefore, that shows you right there that she can't exactly talk to her parents...and you are her close friend...and that's what friends are for. I know it may seem like whenever you have a problem, you can't expect to go to her for help since she is so tied up in her own issues ...but just to be there and to be a friend to someone and giving them a shoulder to cry on is worth it, right? In friendship, it's about give and take. But, you also shouldn't count up how many times you've helped her and no matter how many problems you are faced with from her, there should never be "too many" if you are truly her friend.
However, I definately see where you are coming from. I reccommend you talk to a school counseler so that maybe she can talk to your friend, because you know her better than me, and you say you think she needs more help than what you can give her. If you really care about her, then you will stop at nothing to help her. Don't push her away. You and your best friend may be the only people helping her at this point with her problems(big...or small) , so if you turn your backs on her, then she will have nothing...and that won't help a thing.
Maybe next time she is sharing one of her sob stories, you can simply give your advice ...and then follow up with a problem of your own and see how she reacts to it. If she offers advice to you, then you know she is a good friend and even though has problems, she is also there for you. She is "give and take" as I was talking about above. However, if she does not take notice to your problems when you are pouring your heart out to her, then you need to confront her. She may not notice what she is doing. You need to tell her that you need her to listen to your problems because afterall, you do listen to hers whenever, wherever the circumstance. That's all you need to say. If she gets angry or upset, then you need to just let her know that you love her and she is a great friend, but she needs to just listen to your problems as well as telling her own.
Let me know how it goes! Drop me a note in my inbox if you can!! Hope I helped!! take care.
love, ash
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Well this is a difficult one because now I believe she is dependent on you to help. You might want to encourage her to see the counselor or a therapist becaause you just aren't trained to help her with these problems. You should also tell her that they know how to fix these problems much better so she thinks that you don't know how and will instead go to the counselor who can.
<3
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