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My daughter's best friend got caught shoplifiting
I share custody of our 15 year old daughter with my ex-husband of 20 years. She quickly became friends with a troubled girl who recently turned 16 and has a history of self-mutilation and now shoplifting.
How can I explain to my daughter that she is taking, unnecessarily, upon herself her friends punishment. The punishment was prosecution, court and fees and community service. The girl was also banned from the mall for 6 months.
She feels that if she tells her father that he will (being very strict) forbid her from hanging out with her best friend. She's afraid that if she's not "there for her" than she will do something bad or resort to hurting herself again.
The girl's mother and aunt are the adults in the home with her 10 year old brother and 2 younger cousins. My ex didn't like the situation from the beginning and questioned the environment the girl lives in as well as labeling her a bad influence.
I told my daughter after much discussion, deliberaton and a 24 hour delay, that It is the correct thing to do to talk to her dad. I told her that I wouldn't have a problem with her hanging out with her friend at school and school activities adn they could still attend Wed night church services they enjoy together. I also told her she wouldn't lose her own mall priviledges, although she would not be allowed to shop with Lisa for the 6 months she's banned and recommended that she speak to her school counselor and friends and me again before tomorrow.
She has waited patiently, missing many social activities with friends and being denied her autonomy--even being allowed to go to the mall without a parent--until the past year or so.
She's afraid she'll lose priviledges and her friend (whom she needs right now, too). She's living through the rubble of a divorce and a new step-mom and split custody and is an honor-student taking honors classes.
How can I help her to see that she will be guilty by association and defined by the people she chooses to befriend?
Many thanks for this site. I hope someone can advise me quickly.
Respectfully, Haze
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your daughter is faced with many choices each day ..this whole situation is another thing she and she alone will have to decide on. i dont beleive its realistic to completely isolate your daughter from this girl...if your daughter choses to hang out with her- she will find a way. I had a friend who got into the wrroonng stuff..drugs,sex,alcohol...my mom didnt order me to not see her -- she guided me i guess you can say. she told me what my friend was doing was bad and how she was making bad choices...i stopped hanging out with her on my own -- we still talk in school , but its not the same. i think your daughter is going to have to get through this one on her own..its her choice to either keep being good friends with her, or to kind of get away from the friendship and keep it as more of aquaintances. its her life - she will be faced with many many desisions you wont even know about (unless she tells you evvverything) examples of these desisions she will have to make is --- sex,drugs,alcohol,fights, relationships..etc--
you sound like a great mother..continue to guide your child, but ultimately the choice is in her hands. she will always find a way around if she wants to. encourage her to talk to her dad, and assure her that you will talk to her father about it as well.
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wow, that is a tough one, but i'll try. first of all, i think absolutely forbidding your daughter to associate with this girl will cause problems. she may resort to sneaking around and telling you lies, and that could break your relationship with her completely. i think your rules about letting her be friends with her in public settings and especially at church gatherings. i think she should not be allowed to shop with that girl. maybe try suggesting having some of her other friends over. good luck with this!!!
(btw, i think it's great to see a concerned parent who doesn't just yell at the child but actually try to find a good way to fix a problem)
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