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Should friends date friends?
This may end up getting lengthy, but the situation is complicated...
My circle of friends is made up of married couples, people who have BFs or GFs and single folks. We are all in our late 20's, early 30's and we all pretty much met in college (not all the same college, though).
Anyway, there is one particular girl in our group that has a habit of dating the guys in our group. The first time this happened, the rest of us were happy for the two of them, but unfortunately, their relationship did not last long (about 3 months) and it ended badly. We then had to endure a period where the two of them could not be invited to the same group functions because they couldn't stand the sight of each other. Things were really awkward. That was a while ago (about 3 yrs), and now we are all able to hang out together again, but things are still strained between them. She harbors animosity towards him and still speaks badly of him when his back is turned.
A couple of months ago, she started going out with a different guy friend of ours (who IS aware of her previous relationship with guy friend #1). It has been hard for most of us to support them because we remember what happened last time. We really don't want to go through that awkward period again if things don't work out. Add to that the fact that the two of them have some major differences in thinking when it comes to things like religion and sex before marriage and you can see that this relationship is most likely doomed.
This whole thing is causing our circle of friends to unravel. Instead of doing things together, no questions asked, invitations are now met with, "Are THEY going to be there?". Some of us feel that it's better to avoid them entirely than have to pretend to be happy about their relationship. Myself personally, seeing the two of them together frankly grosses me out.
I should add this bit of information about this girl: she is an only child and extremely introverted. I feel the reason she becomes attracted to the guys in our group of friends is because those are the only men she is exposed to! She has always refused any attempt the rest of us has made to get her in a public setting where she might meet some other single guys. (And she's a cute girl! She would have NO problems meeting someone.)
Now the questions:
Is there an unwritten law that friends should not date friends?
Should we just keep our traps shut and hold the I-told-you-so's until they are warranted?
Should we hold a mass intervention with these two and let them know how we all feel?
Should the chance at *love* be sacrificed for the good of the group?
Honestly, the longer this thing goes on, the more disjointed our friendships are going to get unless we do something soon. Your sound advice will be MORE than appreciated.
Thanks,
R.P., 31/F/NC
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
First of all, this girl is just living her life. Maybe not the way you guys agree with, but she's doing what she wants and probably not caring what others think of her. I admire people like that. You and your friends may think it isn't going to work out [ and it may not ] but life is all about taking chances. You'll never know if something is going to work until you try it. You and your friends can still get together and hang out and still be involved with this couple. If you guys are truely friends with these people you should support them. If people can't count on their friends who are they supposed to count on? If you don't think this is such a good idea or that none of your other friends will still agree to hang out with the couple then you guys should sit them down and tell them how you feel. If you just keep not meeting up with friends then all of you are going to grow apart and if you don't invite the couple they are going to be offended and losing friends is NEVER fun. I believe that any person has the right to date who he or she wants whether they're in a circle of friends or not. They say friends make the best lovers. I agree with this, my husband is my best friend. As for keeping traps shut, you shouldn't tell your friends or anyone you care for 'I told ya so' because that makes them feel belittled. The chance of love being sacrificed for the group? That is totally & completely up to the couple. They decide whether or not they love each other and want to stay together. The group can't make the decision of whether or not they stay together. The best thing you could do would be to sit them down and discuss how the group is feeling. I hope everything gets worked out & I'm sure it will. =]
<3 -- *Ashley*
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As others have said I don't really think you can do an awful lot. You can't lay down a law stating that she can't see certain people, and if you try to do so, that will make you unpopular.
Maybe if you really have to do something, you could go out just with her, for lunch or something and sit her down and talk to her about her relationship. She might open up to you about any insecurities she might have about the relationship and you could then suggest she call it off or something -- before it gets too late.
it sounds as though they are already involved now though... so it could be too late to save the groups friendships. Good luck
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Let her go out with who she wants, its not your call. You don't have to be involved with her relationships. Get over it. Your an adult.
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I don't think there is any unwritten law about dating friends. I do see that it can get awkward, but it really shouldn't. The same thing happens when people divorce too. Who keeps the friends kind of thing. The way I have always handled feuding relatives at holiday time would work here as well. Invite everyone and if someone doesn't want to show up because of someone else...well, they miss out.
I don't think saying I told you so will do much good. They will just get mad at whoever does that. They aren't going to listen. Besides, she didn't learn the first time!
To be quite honest, I don't think you should do or say anything. People have to make their own mistakes in life. Once you reach a certain age you should be able to do that in your own. The best thing any friend can do is mind their own business unless asked...then be brutally honest.
Any real friendships will survive it. Just let them both know right now, as a group, that whatever happens in the future...don't come crying to any of you about it because you don't want to hear it. :)
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