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Victims of Circumstance
The man I'm about to tell you about is a friend that's married. We were co-employees in the same building. Our relationship started out from insults, literially! He's 6'7" and I'm 5'2" so you can imagine the short and tall insults we through at one another. The insults turned into jokes and jokes changed into long conversations as we appeared to be on the same level in so many things. The conversations turned into unexplained feelings that couldn't be denied by either but we were friends and he got engaged.
He's now married (about 2 months)but still wants to keep our friendship knowing there are underlying feelings that neither of us seem to have a firm grip on. We tell ourselves that we can be friends but who's kidding who? He got genuine feelings for me and I know this! We've talked about it but he's decided to let these feelings, out of nowhere, take him wherever they might lead! He's (we've) had these feelings before he got married and at first I thought it was going to be okay, but it seems they've gotten strong since then.
I've tried to put him out of my mind by substituting him with work, other friends and family but it doesn't help when he calls just wanting to talk or ask me to meet him. Nothing's happened between us physically but I'm feelings that's only a matter of time as there's a lot of chemistry and sexual tension between us whenever we're together. I've always prided myself in not getting involved with married men but in this case we're a little different since we started out unattracted to one another and it's grown into feelings that won't seem to go away for either of us. He's tried, or so he's says, not to think about me and concentrate on his marriage, but he can only for a few days before he calls me. I can't explain what I feel for him in words as I've never felt this way for anyone! I've always been able to turn my feelings off and on when it came to men as my first and only love saw to that. My girlfriend thinks we're falling in love (the real thing) with one another. Our relationship has grown over the past 2 years but I don't know if I can control what might happen between us. He's the first to make me feel anxious. The first man I've longed to be with in over 20 years. I've only been in love once in my life but this feels so different! He invades my dreams, for God's sake!
I need someone to put this in prospective for me. Confirm that it's wrong to feel this way about a married man, especially when I can't act upon those feelings. Is this really love or are we all a victim of circumstance? How can you be married to one but have strong feelings for another? Okay, there's much more to this story but this is the jest of it. Is there someone out there that can help? This time it's the advisor that's needs the help . . . . how ironic????
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I don't understand why, if you both were so attracted to each other, he married someone else. It doesn't sound good. I think in his case he's thinking of being unfaithful to his wife after he made a committment to her. If that is so, he really isn't trustworthy.
But in your case, you need to find another love interest. This relationship is not off to a good start.
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Think about this...
If this person will cheat on his wife with you, what on earth makes you think that he wouldn't cheat on you with someone else?
It is very easy to be swept away by emotion and feelings of love. You must weigh the consequences of your actions. They are very, very high. The bottom line is that (and I recognize that you will probably not believe this)when he looks at you - as wonderful as you may be - he is not seeing you he is seeing a way out of his marriage. A marriage, it sounds like, he didn't want from the beginning. You are merely a distraction for him, anything for him not to have to focus on the real issue and that's the fact that he now has a wife and doesn't know what to do with all of the emotions, and fear being married has made him feel.
I hope that you will at least contemplate the fact that your are being used (not in an evil and vindictive way, but just in a convenient way). Please don't put yourself in a position where you will feel more pain and confusion.
Find yourself someone who is completely available to you. That's what you deserve, not sneaking around and lying and never knowing where you stand. Because one thing is true when you get involved with a married man, he'll always be someone else's husband. Good Luck.
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Well you're in a delimma indeed. This is now a lose-lose situation. Someone is going to end up getting hurt. Whether it be you, or his wife. You're describing all the feelings that love bring to a person, you cannot help the way you feel for someone, it's not something that happens in a day, as you said, these feelings have grown over time. I wouldn't say this is just your fault, the man knew he was getting married and still decided to get emotionally attached to you, and eventually lead up to something that could break his marrige. Before you go ahead with engaging in sexual acts with him, make sure he's worth it, and that something good and positive will come out of it for you. Now ceartainly it won't for his wife, but he was the one who shouldn't have married knowning there were feelings between you two. Just look at every angle of the situation and make sure it will be worth it, and talk it over with him, let him think things over and make sure he knows what he's getting himself into. In the end someone will be hurt, that is the kind of situation this is. But I hope the best for you and let me know how it turns out.
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Be careful before you do anything because this 'feeling' may either ruin or make your friends better. I would think about three people in this situation. The wife, your friend and yourself. Balance out the problem and think what would happen to all of you if someting 'did' happen and then think what would happen to all of you if something didn't.
Hope it helps a bit
Ithielden
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