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Should i break up my marriage of 7 years? My husband had a gambling problem
Should i break off my marraige of 7 years
My husband has a gambling problem and we are aleays broke
I met another man 2 months ago i love him but he is living with his sistet
I dont know if he loves me of is just looking for a place to stay
Im confused
Please help
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
you must decide what is right for you and your felling. If you are truly unhappy after 7 years and is continuing to be broke things you must decide on what is best for you. if you are really tied, fed-up, lost the love you once shared then something has to change. Why should either one of you be unhappy. a lot of people stay together for years and still not happy.
If he has a problem with gambling he need to get help I am sure there are more ways you can spend money other than gambling. He need to stop or get help not for you but for himself. even though there is another man now and you love him. hey, you want to be happy too It do not matter where he live, the question is he willing to give you the things you want and need, do he feel the same way as you. living with someone else should not stop the love. But ask him how do he really feel about you, ask yourself if he is truly the one and not there just for sex. ask he is there to stay to be there for you unconditionally. but remember don't give up the good for the bad: everyone has habits. some good, Some Bad!!!!
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Here is a list of your issues. Let’s deal with them one by one.
1. Questioning whether your husband loves you or not.
If he is trying to change and still trying to show that he loves you, he does. If he apologies on something, then breaks his promises, create even larger impossible promises, and then breaks it to apologize again, that’s a very bad sign. Search for the cycle of domestic abuse to make sure.
2. You love another man.
Note that you just met him for 2 months. Are you considering this because you actually love him or you want an escape from all your problems where you believe that true love will solve all issues in life? News flash, if it is, it’s not. Either way, will it actually work out? Cheating in a marriage can be a big turn off for the guy.
3. Financial issues.
Find a way to get his hands off the money please. Call your local social worker for help or a glamber’s support group. Find one of those financial skills blogs, possiby benefit from crowdfunding or ask help from more financially savvy family or friends. You’re welcome.
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Wow that must be very difficult for you and I can't imagine how confusing this must be. Was your husband a gambler before you got married? Does your husband work and contribute to the bills and house chores? Have you expressed your concerns to your husband about his gambling addiction? Despite his gambling, is he still a loving husband to you or does he ignore you? Often enough it's hard to change someone when they're so dead set in their own ways and aren't willing to change. But open and honest communication is always the first step into any kind of relationship. You mentioned how you met another guy and that you love him. Has this new guy said he loved you back? Are you willing to get into another relationship where this guy will maybe be living off of you? At times when we're in a rut we tend to look for the next new thing because it's exciting. And in your case you found new love. Is this something you're willing to pursue? Do you still love your husband? Are you really checked out of this 7 year relationship and want nothing to do with your husband. Or is this a replacement? The context of your question was very vague and so to get through this confusion, you need to ask yourself all of this and reflect on this situation carefully. While I cannot make this decision for you, I hope that my answer shed light to your dilemma. I hope everything works out for you in the end!
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Yes, break off the marriage!
If you met another man but he's living with his sister, take it slow. Slowly ease into living with him, instead of jumping right into it!
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You had an affair with someone you’ve known for two months break that off! Work on your marriage go to counseling don’t give up so fast
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I have a lot to cover so this will be about the length of 3 pages.
Since an adult can not be forced to go for counseling, I suggest you mention it is 'critical' that he go with you to marriage counseling AND that he want to stop Gambling and join Gamblers Anonymous for help. What they say is: Gamblers Anonymous is a twelve-step program for people who have a gambling problem. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling.
And that here is the big issue, the desire to want to get better and to save his marriage to you.
The reason I mention this route first, is that you have to know that you have done absolutely everything known to you to support him through getting better. I know as I was in the same position but instead of gambling, hubby had other issues. Thing is, he kepts insisting he did not have a problem and only went a couple of times to counselor to fool me into thinking I shouldn't leave him, that he was working on it. Then I overheard him on phone telling someone he had nothing wrong with him but went only to placate me and stay married. Finally he admitted he never had loved me. That I knew meant this was the end and I divorced him. I was with him 30 years compared to your 7. I regret not leaving sooner considering he did not want to change for the better. I don't know how long it has been going on. He may not want to change, in which case, at least you can be at peace about having to do such a traumatic life changing event. It isn't a step to be taken just because you are unhappy. Attempting to seek solutions first is best. As a result of doing so, I had no guilt at going for a divorce. If he doesn't think you have the balls to leave him, and your leaving may be what prompts him to agree he has a problem and go to the two places you mentioned, then you could try being separated for a while. My first husband was vindictive, so when I went to stay with a friend for a week, he called our cell company and had my cell shut off immediately, no warning. You know you deserve better than you currently have dear. Either it will be with him or with someone new.
There is a problem though, I feel you may be one who falls in love easily without knowing if a man is right for you. You don't know with the one you're seeing. You don't know him well to even know if he fell on hard times and is staying with his sister temporary til he gets on his feet or if he is a baby in an adult body who needs another adult to take care of him. If there is sex involved, keep in mind that Men do not see sex as something they do when they fall for someone. They can feel Love but many simply feel lust and would never tell a gal who is willing to have sex as that means they could lose a sex partner. I wouldn't start looking for another guy until you settle things with the husband. If gambling is the only problem and both of you love each other, he treats you like a Queen and you can't imagine life without him, then thats all the more reason to not go looking elsewhere and give him a chance, to show he really wants to deal with his problems and get better. When I say give a chance, in a few days of thinking about any ultimatum you give him, thats enough time to make his move, not waiting for some obsure date in the future to call a counselor and start attending gamblers anonymous. You can search the web for chapters near you. So if by a week or two, you see no changes like wanting help, then it is time to separate and if the separation doesn't change his tune immediately, again not waiting weeks, then you file for divorce. I know it is hard and a hassle especially when you have no money to pay for a lawyer. You may have to go live with family and work to save up for a lawyer.
Now here is something you did not ask for but I see that there is a great chance you need the following information on how to Find Mr. Right and how to know he is the right one for you. This means you need to make some lists. The information is vital in knowing if the current husband is right for you, even if cured of gambling. Or you can use it after a divorce to find a good guy. And compare the guy you met with your criteria.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost thirty year marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. (Even if you don't use a dating site, this step is important to help you decide what you need so do it!)
So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Another name for this is 'Needs'. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, that his son did, but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a 3rd time asked out, tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. (A second date could mean he is still checking you out, to see if you were as great as he remembered from the first date. But if he asks a 3rd time, he is reasonably interested in you) Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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