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Mom never listens
14 year old female. For as long as I can remember, my mom has always spoken over and interrupted me. If we're having anything from a heated argument to a simple conversation, she'll listen to like half my sentence then start talking. Once, we were arguing and I was going to say something when she interrupted by screaming at me. When I claimed she interrupted, she replied that she "knew what I was going to say" but she had the completely wrong idea.
Worse than that, if someone asks me a question she'll answer for me whether it's 'what are you doing in school?' Or 'how are you?' Even my dad has pointed this out, and she does this to my two siblings as well. From the moment I was born, she has forced me to do things I don't want to do and decided I would be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer, I want a creative carreer, and it pisses me off that she constantly tries to push back on my hobbies just because it doesn't fit what she wanted to be but failed at. I've tried telling her this several times and she claims that since she's my mother she can do this.
In addition, she's annoying in other ways. First of all, I remember I used to be suicidal (not anymore, have gotten phsyciatric help). I tried telling her I was depressed, and she told me to get over it and how she's had it worse-in fact, she yelled at me to get the FUCK over it. Then later on she invades my privacy by reading my journal and goes all 'why didn't you tell me you were suicidal?????' And guilt trips me through the whole healing process with 'you do NOT get to put me through hell and back and then...' everytime I do something she doesn't like.
Once she caught me with a girlfriend and figured out I like girls. I specifically told her I want to come out to the family on my time, on my own terms, especially since I was 13 and wasn't sure if I was gay or bi yet (or if liking girls was just a phase, for that matter) but she takes it upon herself to out me as gay to everyone she knows.
She complains I don't have a relationship with her. But she expects me to jump whenever she wants to do something while never doing anything I want to do. I'll give an example: I rented the 2012 Les Mis movie and invited her to watch it with me since Les Mis is my favorite musical. She decides to be on her phone the whole time. I try to talk about anything I like and she nods me off.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of being spoken over and guilt tripped over everything. She keeps claiming she wants to improve our relationship, but doesn't wanna do anything other than be all "I'm the mother so shut up" how do I deal with this?
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You're mother may be slightly narcissistic, but as soon as you're of age you can move out. So if this is your plan, I'd say start saving up right now. Seems like you're eager to start your life already so really it's just your age and your mother (maybe) holding you back at this point.
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Maybe your mums just frustrated and feels a little like she's undervalued. And maybe overwhelmed too I know they mcan be mean but their only human and maybe she's trying to get her needs meet swell. Be patient with her and don't harass her and maybe she will respond. Be kind too.
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Wow, we have the same mom. I feel your pain completely. Always interrupting, very self absorbed, never listens, turns anything I say against me, jumping to conclusions and if I corner her to where she can't defend herself because she knows I have a point, she'll say "don't yell at me." or "why are you always attacking me?", or she'll just straight up, get mad and throw a tantrum. She is very dominating and in her eyes, can never be wrong. She loves the "I'm your mother" line. Its incredibly frustrating. Nothing can get through to this woman, at least not coming from her son.
I gave up trying to change her, all I can do is change the way I feel about it. I watched a lot of psychology videos and a lot, if not most of the time, people are just going on automatic and they don't even realize it. On top of that, the person with the "disorder" can't see how they are being. Like someone who is blinded by rage. They are just taken over and its not till they calmed down that they can see the damage they did. But if your mom thinks she is doing nothing wrong. She will never change. Since there is not a problem to fix. A problem with my mom is that she has low emotional intelligence. She lets her emotions control her, not the other way around. She is very emotional. When emotions go up, intelligence goes down. So it makes it impossible to have a conversation about how she acts because she instantly gets defensive and nothing is accomplished, except that now she's pissed.
I've sent her countless videos about psychology and I tell her that this will improve all of her relationships, but she refuses to watch them. or she'll pretend to watch them or just lie about it to get me to back off. If I call her out on it, she busts the "Don't talk to me like that, I'm your mother!" and storms off. Its sad, really.
Its infantilism with a side of victimism in my opinion. Acting like a child because she never developed emotionally. She acts like a child. Throwing tantrums, yelling, putting others down, incapable to hearing any kind of constructive criticism, even facts, without getting emotional about it. Always needing to be right. Always blaming someone else. What's funny is that she tells me that blaming others is unhealthy and that you should look at yourself before criticizing others. But that's all she does, but can't see it.
One huge problem with people that think they are always right and think that they don't screw up too, is that they don't learn from their behavior. We learn the most when we screw up. So if they are convinced that they don't ever screw up or are wrong, then they can never do anything to change it. So they keep doing it like its alright. Anything negative that comes from her behavior is always someone else's fault. Loves the blame game. Throw the feeling of importance/power trip they get from being your parent, kids have little chance of getting through to them.
So you might have to accept that she has some psychological baggage that makes her act that way. And you gotta forgive her. She doesn't realize how she is being. If you don't forgive her and accept that that's just how she is, you're gonna get more angry and bitter. Once you turn 18 you can move out, so it won't be forever.
In the book "the 4 agreements" agreements 2 and 3 are "don't assume" and "don't take anything personally". They really help when dealing with difficult people. Another thing I like to do to brace myself when I know I pissed her off, is to pretend that i am transparent (like a ghost). And that being transparent makes any verbal abuse go right through me and won't affect me in the slightest bit. Cause its not words that hurt us, its what we think about what is said and how/if we identify with it. If I don't let her words get to me, I take away their power. If I think that these are the rambling of someone that doesn't know what they are talking about and are too emotional to realize what they are saying and how they are acting, then its my own fault for letting someone like that affect me. Because I know that their behavior is automatic and they can't help it. They don't know any better. Its up to ME and ONLY ME to decide if the poison that comes out of her mouth means anything. There's been a few times where the transparency think helped so much, I was amazed how well it worked. I don't even remember what she said. I also recommend looking up Emotional Intelligence on youtube. There's also at least one book about it. Also recommend the 4 agreements. Good luck, difficult moms are a doozy.
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I read your whole story and then advicemans answer and must say that I agree with what he said, so you have another vote for that.
If you are not in sessions anymore, and getting a chance to call and talk to the therapist doesn't work, tell your Dad what you are thinking of doing, asking for both of them to attend meetings with you.
You are not the one with a problem but your Mom. If she treats bosses and coworkers that way, I bet there are plenty of people who don't like her and steer clear of her. unfortunately, until 18, you are still a minor and must be with her and can't steer clear of her. She really needs help in how to communicate and on how to allow you enough leeway to begin to make some decisions for yourself, so you can slowly get used to doing what adults need to do, make decisions and take control of your life. If for some reason, your Dad refuses to help get this set up or the parents both refuse to go to meetings with a therapist with you, you can always talk to the school counselor. Don't hold anything back and tell everything you told us including that you wrote in for help.
By the way, when you turn 18, you don't have to do what she wants anymore and if counseling doesn't happen for her or counseling doesn't work, you will need to fight for your independance. Please do that as you dont want to end up like some of the people who write in whose parents or MOm are still controlling their life with curfews and more at 25 or 29. It will go on for as long as you allow it. Unfortunately right now, as she is your mom, you are still under her and dads care. So your choices are limited but as I said, I also vote for professional help in the form of family counseling.
Don't worry about your previous depression. A smart counselor will begin to realize as they speak with your Mom that she is a great part of why you have been depressed. She is the one who really needs help and as her child you can't tell her. She'd never listen. But she would have to listen to other adults and thats why talking to your counselor is very important. Please take that step!!! I'd also like to hear in the future how its going dear. I really do care.
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Your mother is correct in the fact that she is your mother. With that comes certain privileges and responsibility. A parents main responsibility is the health and welfare of their children.
By your description your mom is failing at welfare of her children as. Part of a child's welfare is listening to their children and understanding. A parent should guide there children through life but not make life decisions for them such as telling you must be; that you be a lawyer.
You by yourself will not change your mom especially if she doesn't listen to your dad when he points theses ling out to her. There are a couple of things you can do that might help.
1. If your still in counseling tell this to your therapist and ask for joint sessions with mom and dad too. If you're not in counseling you should get back into it and discuss this with your therapist and ask for joint counseling.
2. You can also talk with a trust teacher or principle about this.Part of what your mother is doing with you and your siblings comes very close to mental cruelty. If your teacher and r your principal agree mental cruelty at home is possible they must advise Child Protective Services who will intervene and have mom go to parenting classes.
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