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Being a bridesmaid when my ex-friend is also going to be one?
I've just been asked to be part of the bridal party for one of my best friends. While I feel so honoured by her request, I'm very hesitant as she has told me about her intention to ask someone else as well. This person and I do not get along.
This person used to be my friend and former roommate. Our friendship ended 6 months ago when she moved out. Having been friends for over a decade, we had moved in together despite the fact that I was warned by various other friends that it wasn't a good idea. From the day we moved in, the relationship started deteriorating and she started to behave quite badly.
Just a few examples of this included:
- Never washing her dishes or putting them away or putting the garbage out and becoming hostile when I asked her to do so.
- Getting extremely upset with me during the time that my grandfather was dying. I was very sad and withdrawn and she accused me of making her feel as though she had done something wrong.
- Being very angry at me when I told her I felt uncomfortable if she were to sublet her room for a month while she was travelling (I eventually convinced my sister to sublet from her).
- Starting a verbal fight with me and, when a friend came over later, throwing objects around the kitchen and slamming cupboards to the point that we needed to leave the apartment.
- Doing drugs in my room while I was away on vacation.
I'm not innocent in this situation. In a lot of these conflict situations, I would either leave or practice avoidance. However, when I did assert myself or try to communicate, she would become very loud and intimidating. I am usually the 'mother' in any given friend circle and, while she encouraged me to practice boundaries with other friends, she became angry when I wouldn't be flexible with her.
We had come to an understanding that she would move out and I gave her ample time to find a new apartment. After several months of her staying put, I gave her a firm date to leave.
I haven't spoke to her since and had no intention of doing so. I came to the realization that, while I had supported her through many different life situations (losing an immediate family member, a break up, a theft), she had never been there for me or tried to support me in times of need. In addition to this, I developed anxiety during our last few months of living together and I still experience panic when thinking about her.
While the bride was supportive of me during this time, she still remains friends with my previous roommate. We had decided that I shouldn't share my feelings about the previous roommate with her due to the fact that it was very uncomfortable to be stuck in the middle.
When I found out that my best friend was getting married, I was happy for her but felt guilty about the fact that my mind immediately went to the fact that I would have to see my previous roommate again.
To add to this, there has been a lot of heartbreak that occurred between my previous roommate and other mutual friends even prior to our co-habitation. Due to this, the bride decided, out of her own volition to do two sets of events (i.e. bachelorette party, engagement party). This was an unfortunate set of affairs but seemed necessary given the circumstances. At the time, the bride did not want a wedding party.
The bride has now decided to ask her sister, another friend, myself, my previous roommate and my previous roommate's best friend. While I love my best friend and I want to be there for her on her big day, my throat closes when I think about interacting with my previous roommate. But what would be worse is if I bowed out of being in the bridal party and saw my previous roommate involved in my best friend's special day. I feel terrible but I've been fantasizing about skipping out on the entire day.
I haven't said anything about this to the bride and she wants to have a conversation. I don't want to hurt her or make this more difficult than it already is. What should I do?
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I can see your point. It would appear that this friend's presence at the wedding will indeed cause you some anguish and not, by the sound of it, without sufficient cause! Her behaviour sounds dreadful, however we can mitigate this somewhat by the fact that it is now in the past. It's part of that ever-growing list of 'stuff that has happened to me'. Some good, some just OK, some bad. And the list grows longer as we journey on through life. With distance, spatial and/or temporal, should come perspective. OK, you are not likely to ever be friends as your values are totally at odds with one another. She finds things acceptabe which you do not. You would not behave like this yourself. You do not much care for those who do. But you lived through it. It has no power to annoy or upset you again. Unless you grant it that power yourself. I can see also that you are fond of your friend the bride, and naturally want to be there on her 'big day'. So why let this past animosity spoil it and cheat you both of it? Rise above it, I say. There are many ways of avoiding direct one-to-one contact with a person at any social event. We have, I'm sure, both been to gatherings where we do not much care for for one (some times more than one!) of the other guests? Resist the urge to confront her now. That's being selfish in many ways and will spoil the day. If she attempts to confront you, stay aloof. Polite, but very cool. Don't give her an audience, deny her any attention she might hope to draw to herself altogether. You won't resolve these past conflicts with a discussion, or a blazing row either I fear. You two are just too different. It won't 'clear the air' to coin a phrase. The air just clears naturally over time. It slips from your memory, occupies less and less of your thoughts. This brings up the concept of acceptance. Many religious belief systems feature 'love thine enemy' and 'turn the other cheek' 'forgiveness'etc ideology. I'm not of the religious persuasion myself, but the ideology is sound. Simply because the while we feel someone has 'done us wrong' and are seething with resentment we place them in the position of 'offender' and label ourself as 'victim'. We impose a 'victim mentality' upon ourselves, and this is not a great mindset to carry along with us through life. It holds us back. It also tends to attract re-victimisation. Not good! Acceptance is truly liberating. It sets us free. We accept, and even tacitly 'forgive'. This is however for our benefit, not theirs. Through acceptance we deny the 'offender' this power over us, which is what it is when you think about it, eh? This girl and her wretched behaviour is still worrying you. Causing you anxiety. Making you consider giving up something you wish to do. You are still her 'victim' in other words. You're not gonna stand for that are you? Go to the wedding mate! Have a great christmas and new year by the way.
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Discuss the problem with her frankly
Don't get horrified of any thing . U have the right to live in your own way
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OMG.!!!! I am so sorry girl. I would be honest. I am a honest person and I would rather talk about something than to boil up and pysch yourself out of not going. You should def. have the conversation with the bride and just calmly tell her you feel uncomfortable around this girl and it is not just you, but it's other people the bride is friends with as well. You are friends with this bride and it is her day. So I think you should go to the party. Trust me it will be worst if you don't go because the other girl will think she won and think 'Oh she didn't come because of me' And she will probably brag that she was there for the bride and had fun while u wasn't and trust me the bride will rub that in your face in the future as well. Whenever you bring up your old roommate she will probably say well atleast she showed up for me. And it is not fun when things like that happen, trust me. So I say just go and have the conversation with the bride and just be honest. Let her know you are honored to be part of her bridal party and You will be going, but you will not associate yourself with this person at all. Don't let one sour patch affect your fun and happiness.
As for the throat closing up and the panic attacks honestly take deep breathes and relax. Get her out of her head. You should also try meditation as well it helps me when I am stressed and panicking. If you try that it will become easier to think about her and not have any panic attacks. But it takes one day at a time.
GoodLuck. And remember you got this.
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Let the bride know exactly how you feel about this. Do not keep anything from her. This other girl obviously makes you very anxious and you do not be around her. Your friend should care enough about you to not even consider the other person who causes you so much emotional pain. Do not allow the ex friend to come back into your life, she will only find ways to manipulate you more.
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Bring a video camera or cell phone with video recording, to document the happy event. Maybe that'll help keep her on best behavior!
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The last thing you want to do is ruin this day fro your friend, I call her Jane. You don't and should not ask Jane to choose between the 2 of you as that would be a horrible place to put her in and she may just pick your former who we will assume has said nothing to her.
What I suggest is this. Contact your former roommate, and Email will do. Tell her that "our differences should not ruin Jane's special day." "We can be civil to each other when together for the different events Jane has planned and for the wedding."
At the Wedding party there is generally no assigned seating at the Bridal table so you and your ex-roommate can agree to sit at opposite ends of the table.. I assume each brides made will be pared with a groomsmen. Hopefully it is someone you know and can talk to and enjoy the party with. IF there is no bridal table and you are allowed a plus one you can ask the bride or her mother , who generally makes up the seating table arrangements, not to sit you two at the same table. If why you don't need to go into details a simple we have had some differences .
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This wedding is not about you or former roommate. It is the brides special day and she has decided she wants certain people to be in her wedding party.
It sounds like the bride is aware of this since she set up two separate events, one for each of you to attend. A wedding can not be two events. I believe she trusts that the two of you can both be there to support her without fighting or making a scene. If you do not wish to even speak to the other girl, then do the minimal of what looks friendly, acknowledge her if your eyes meet with a smile and a nod. Do not however do anything that would make you look like you're being mean or childish. If she does happen to say Hi, then say hi in return. You are not required to hang out next to her and act like close friendly pals, but I am sure the bride would want you to at least be civil, that's middle ground where you are not overly chummy and neither overly mean, ignoring or vindictive. If the ex roommate verbally assaults you, do not respond and rise to the bait and get into a verbal argument with her. Let the bride know ahead of time you will not fight with her but if for some reason the ex friend starts picking on you, you will come report it to her and since it's her wedding, you will expect her or her husband to go have a talk and ask her to behave or (and then they can give whatever consequence they deem appropriate). I have heard of weddings where plenty of people were like enemies and the couple marrying assigned someone to act as a club bouncer, to remove anyone from the facility if they become disruptive, mean, abusive toward anyone. I don't think it will come to this. Its more of an issue in your mind. But it wouldn't hurt to be on your best behavior, bite your tongue and only go to the bride if this women behaves badly.
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