|
My daughter is gay... or is she?
My 14-year-old daughter identifies as gay. Let me make it clear right from the start that I have absolutely no problem with that. If she wants to date girls, I'll treat her girlfriends exactly as I would her boyfriends, and if she got married to a woman someday I would totally welcome my new daughter-in-law into the family.
The thing is, I'm not sure she really IS gay. The reason is that those who I have known who are gay say it's something they've known all their lives (I've certainly always felt hetero). That's not the case with my daughter; in her childhood, she talked about "cute boys" and such, and she's even said that this is something that evolved in her over time. And I don't think it's that she was afraid to tell us; my wife and I have always been very open with her about our position that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with being gay. She, in turn, tends to have very little shame about revealing her feelings about people and things (often to a fault!).
My question is: Is it possible for one's sexual preference to change with the onset of puberty? Is it even possible for it to change AT ALL?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Domesticity category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Parenting?
i can help you . please tell me where are you located
my contact is doctorpirzada@yahoo.com
]
What I've learned is that there is so much flexibility with sexuality.
There are people who have known they were gay their whole lives. There are people who later on realize that they are gay because they prefer women over men or men over women. Some people are attracted to both and would date both, who would be considered bisexuals. Then there are some who are attracted to both but wouldn't date both.
It could be possible your daughter is bisexual. Or maybe she is attracted to both genders but would rather date a girl so she identifies as gay.
It's really nice how supportive you are of your daughter :) she'll figure out who she is as she grows up.
]
Scientist now believe that being gay is how you are born, that it is part of one's DNA from birth and that children realize this early in life. we receive a lot of letters from young girls who believe they are gay for their first sexual experience, as puberty starts, is with another girls.
What I tell them is not to be in a rush to label themselves ,which you should also advise your daughter not to do for her own protection. It is quite common for both boys and girls to have their first sexual experience with someone of the same sex. The reason is simple. It is safer, less embarrassing and parents never worry about two teenagers of the same sex being together behind the closed door of a bedroom.
What I also tell these girls is that they are too young to know for certain, based on just what they write to us, to know for certain that they are even bisexual let alone Gay. That for the most part what they have written is normal. As they learn more about their sexuality and experience more about sex as they get older they may feel different about their sexuality.
I blame society in general and parents for why these girls get so confused about sex. Society in general forces our children to grow up faster than you or I had too. Parents have swung the other way when it comes to talking about sex with their children, they are more closed minded thinking it will keep their children safe if they don't know. Of course this is wrong.
What I tell these girls about declaring their sexuality at this time is. Even if you are gay and I doubt your daughter is. Declaring you are at this age can be very harmful . Children in school are not as open-minded as we think.. Gay bashing is rampant in school. If your daughter wants to think she is gay all well and good, she will probably change her mind. Just impress on her to keep this to herself for her own safety.
]
It is very possibly that your daughter could be bi-sexual. And could like boys as well as girl. Or it could be just a stage she is going through. Girls at that age are experiencing so many different new feelings,. she could just be wanting to 'experiment' as she isn't sure if she want to be with a woman or a man.
I would say it is totally possible for her sexuality to change as she goes through puberty.
Hope this helps :)
Jasmine
]
Yes, sexual orientation (and I would encourage you to call it orientation, and not 'preference') can change. A person's understanding of their orientation can also change. People can also choose to assign different labels to the feelings they have always had, or to change labels in the light of new feelings they are experiencing, as they grow and learn more about themselves.
I've assigned a lot of different labels to my sexuality over the years. My understanding of myself as changed, but the love, attraction and affection I felt for others remained honest and real no matter how I was identifying at the time.
Your idea that people always 'know' from a young age is simply mistaken. That's a common story, but it's not everyone's experience. Some people wake up at age 30, the pieces fall into place, and they realize what they really want. Not because they were repressed, or homophobic, or lying to themselves, but because they just didn't get it till that moment. That can happen and it does.
More importantly tho, you owe her the respect of believing what she has told you and taking her self-reporting seriously. That really is the golden rule here—it sounds like you know that—but you are faltering in that respect a bit right now.
Honestly, I know that sucks to hear, because she is 14 years old and nearly everything in her life is your business, but this isn't. This deep knowledge of herself is out of your purview as her parent. The only knowledge you get on this subject is the stuff she figures out and chooses to share with you. She's becoming her own human being and that means she'll always be the expert on the subject of her own orientation.
So try to stop speculating. It's not kind or very helpful. You've got a great start here with honesty, openness and respect. Don't muck that up by undermining her. Listen to her. Ask her questions, but don't assume, and don't assign labels or descriptions. That is for her to do. Her language and her understanding may change. It may not. You'll know when she tells you, not before.
]
More Questions: |