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To wear or not to wear a condom..
I've recently started dating a guy. We expressed mutual desire to wait a while for sex as we both valued emotional connection versus just physical, but things happened and well, in a heated moment of passion, we has sex. Unprotected. Damn. I asked before he put himself in me if he had a condom, he didn't so we slowed things down a bit, but apparently not slow enough cause we ended up having sex anyway. Stupid move, I know. But being on birth control for the last 10+ years I wasn't worried at the time about pregnancy. Until after of course when you inevitably get that constant panic until your period shows up...
We talked about it afterwards and I expressed that since I felt emotionally ready, it wasn't a big deal for me that we didn't wait to have sex, and that it was a step further in our relationship and wanted to make sure he was on the same page, but that condoms were a must in the future. He seemed to be but he still wanted to wait a while for the next time. Fair enough.
A week later, we did diner at my place and things got heated again, and realizing that I didn't hit up the pharmacy that week for condoms because I assumed that 'a while' meant more than a week, I decided not to let things end up in the bedroom. He asked what was the matter and I told him we couldn't have sex because I didn't have condoms at my place. Turns out he doesn't believe in wearing condoms, only in the pull-out method (which is not actually a protection method BTW!), and doesn't want to use them because it ruins the moment. I explained that condoms are supposed to be part of the act and that there are sexy ways to include it, just like grabbing for lube or a toy, and they don't have to be this evil thing he made them out to be. He responded in a "well i've always done it that way and since we both dont want kids right now, whats the problem? besides you're on the pill anyway". I explained that the condom was used for protection against a lot more than pregnancy for me, and it keeps my sanity after sex from my mind going wild and thinking up all sorts of "im pregnant" scenarios, and that it also just happens to protect against STD's. He basically told me that the pullout method was more effective and that I was being very manipulative "going back on my word" after the first time. I apologized for the miscommunication, but that I was not ready to change my beliefs (and health risk!), and that if he didn't understand than we would just not have sex, ever, and that is a very important aspect to a relationship for me. He proceeded to try an convince me that "since I was going to be worried about pregnancy for no reason until my period anyway, that we could do it one more time his way (pullout) and then afterwards we could continue with using condoms. I told him that I was not going to be bargaining with him about something that I care very strongly about, and he responded with a speech about how apparently I didn't actually care about him if I was willing to throw away what we had built just because he wouldn't wear a condom, and that it was just because I like to be in control of everything. I told him that it was a very difficult decision, but I had to go with my gut and trust that if he truly cared about me he would understand. I didn't ask him to change his beliefs, but to understand where I am coming from. He left after saying "you're making a huge mistake" so I'm pretty sure this means we are broken up.
Did I make the right call? I'm beating myself up for it, but I tried to be as subjective as I could.
female, 26
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Maybe give some free advice about: Condoms?
That was the right call. You are just being sure about your health and the pullout method isn't safe. It barely ever works.
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You did right, he is a loser because he rather have sex without condoms than the be a responsible partner in bed. Understand when you meet a guy thst dont use a condom ,he setting you both up for the kill, guys not only have sex with women, they have unprotected sex with other men and I dont men gay men...but straight men. There are more straight men having bisexual sex with other hetrosexual men , that most women even know. I feel you did right., by calling the shots, he aint real and really you should never had allowed yourself to have unprotected sex with that moron, my advice to you chill out, there are guys who do practice safe sex and those are the kind of men who dont take risk sexually. So take your time, wait, because that special guy will come your way. Understand when a guy pressure you or rush sex with you, he is not the one for you. So relax , You are gonna be fine. God will send you somebody your way.
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Fun fact: anyone that uses the sentence "you're making a huge mistake" is automatically an idiot that thinks too highly of themselves.
This reaffirms that thesis.
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You were right. In fact, I think you handled this extremely well in the face of his obvious attempts to manipulate you.
He tried to bargain and bully you into doing something that you knew was not safe or a good choice for you. Imagine if he was doing these same things and making these same arguments while trying to pressure you to try heroine, or to drive a tracker while drunk. Once you imagine he was behaving this way about any other risk you didn't want to take with your own body, it becomes pretty brutally clear how utterly in the wrong he was.
Be glad this guy is gone. Not only is he a dangerous idiot if he genuinely believes what he claimed to believe about the pull out method, he also exhibited a bunch of behaviours that would make me suspect him capable of some serious mental abuse. He tried to accuse you of exactly what he was guilty of doing. He demanded utter control over the situation, he was willing to throw away what you two had because his sexual desires wouldn't be met that evening, and worst of all, he assumed he had a degree of ownership or right to your body just because you'd consented to having sex with him previously.
This is a person who doesn't understand basic reproductive health, and also doesn't seem to be totally clear on what consent actually is either. Anyone who feels you 'owe' them sex, in any way, is someone you need to stay very, very far away from.
I'd strongly recommend never having any contact with this person again.
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You made the right call. Condoms are a must in any sexual relationship until you have both been tested for STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. Once you both have been tested and are in a monogamous committed relationship then, if you want, you can do away with the condoms.
The pill is the best form of protection against pregnancy being anywhere from 95% to 99% effective. The pill is 0% effective in protecting against any or all STDA and HIV/AIDS. The condom is very effective in protecting against most STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. A condom and the pill are almost 100% effective in preventing pregnancy.
There are three reasons I can think of why your by friend would not want to wear a condom.
1. He is ignorant of the reasons why he needs to. In today’s day and age I find that hard to believe he would be that ignorant.
2. He does not like the loss of sensitivity some men have with condoms. If this is his problems he should say so as there are products on the market to increase his sensitivity.
3. He is allergic to latex, as some men are. If this is his problem with condom there is a solution by using Lambskin which would also cause the problem as in #2 as they are thicker than latex. They are also more expensive.
If his problem is none of the above then he is a very insensitive lover. Not caring about anything but his own enjoyment.
Long story short and the answer to your question: You definitely made the right call.
I do have one suggestion. Since you did have unprotected sex and his is so pigheaded about not using condoms I would suggest you have yourself tested for STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. Nothing says you have been infected. This is a suggestion based on being overly cautious.
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You made the right decision in sticking to what you believe and not changing that just to benefit this guy. Yes, being on the pill may protect you from becoming pregnant but is not without its own problems, the risks of STI/STD's being the major one (and how the pill is not a 100% guarantee against becoming pregnant).
From the sounds of things this guy seemed to be making the most ridiculous of arguments against why he doesn't use them and more importantly, why you also shouldn't use them to satisfy his need in not wanting to use them (the pull out method is NOT a very reliable method at all) and I think the main thing to remember here is that it will not protect either of you from any kind of STI. The fact that he was oblivious of this is a disturbing thing.
You made the right call in what you did. There are many people out there who have thought that just once they will make an exception and have ended up regretting this because they ended up having something passed onto them (I personally know a couple of people who this has happen to and the best comfort I could offer them was to be glad what they had was treatable because it could have been a LOT worse). Be content and proud to have stuck to your beliefs - your example is something that many people can learn from who probably would have given in because reading through your chat with him I would say he was the one who was trying to be manipulative, not you. He came out with everything he could, from the looks of it, to try get you to change your mind instead of just accepting your wishes. It's YOUR body and ultimately it's your responsibility to look after it which you did. Rest assured you made the same choice I would have made in your place. Yes condoms can be a pain sometimes but, I would rather have to deal with that minor inconvenience than find out I got an STI/STD because I decided to take short cuts.
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Hi!
I have always been brought up by my mum to stand your guns but also to be super careful when having sex! I think that you made 100% the right decision in what you have done.
Yes the pill will protect you from getting pregnant but it does not protect you from any STD's that could be life threatening!
If this guy won't understand that for you something is important and he won't respect that then he is not worth your time! You need someone who will care for your needs and understand your opinions, especially when it's something as important as your sex life and health!
Please don't beat yourself up because i stand by you in that it's your body and you should have complete control as to what goes on in it! If he isn't going to be protected then he's being ridiculous and clearly can't care about you that much.
Another thing to think of is that when you sleep with one person unprotected you are also sleeping with all the people they have slept with! They may have an STD that even they don't know about.
All I'm saying is, your health is never worth risking for some guy- especially one that will just walk out when he doesn't get what he wants!
Sticking by you and please don't feel bad! You made a very wise and brave move that many girls would have buckled at- be proud!
Good luck for the future,
SliceOfAdvice!
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