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Is he just curious or is he trying to say something indirectly?
21/f, 27/m
I'm seeing a guy that has been asking questions that somewhat concerns me. I'm not sure if he's just being curious or that he feels this comfortable to talk to me in this way and ask me these questions.
Let me first say that I'm Asian and he's Caucasian. I will say that I'm pretty conservative and I feel like respect, loyalty, and honesty is very important to me.
Yesterday, maybe he was just saying it but he would point out that a girl is hot or say stuff like, "GILF" or "MILF" to me. I feel awkward whenever he says that because I never point out things like that. He'd mention that he thinks I'm pretty and he'd compliment me but it makes me feel uncomfortable when he says things like that. I know that guys will always look at girls but to tell the person you're dating? I'm not sure if that's something that needs to be heard.
Another thing he asked me yesterday, he said, "why do Asian girls like white guys? There's so many of them that like them." And I got a little confused because most my Asian girl friends have Asian boyfriends. I told him, "I haven't ran into a lot of them. I think if Asian guys were more outgoing and less predictable, they'd probably be able to keep their Asian woman? I'm not sure." And he said, "Huh, I see so many that like white guys."
Those are just examples of what he has said and mentioned. He has obviously said more that has caught my attention (not in a good way).
Is he trying to say something? Or is he just that comfortable to ask and say things like that? He says that he's curious but I feel like there may be more to what he is saying.
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I think you have two totally separate issues going on here. The first one is that he he is a just a big ignorant - which isn't a crime by itself - we are always a bit ignorant of one another. It is good that he is willing to ask questions and that you are prepared to give the most honest answers you've got.
The more serious problem of this is where you are feeling uncomfortable about his values and the way he chooses to express them to you. None of that makes his a bad person, but maybe it makes him a bad match for you.
It's always tempting to sit around and wait for someone to do something really, really obviously bad to make you break up with them, but the truth is most people are basically good, but that doesn't mean that most people are going to be the right person for you to date.
Listen to your gut. If you think you two are just still getting to know each other and figure things out, maybe you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume his heart is in the right place, but you also don't have to wait for the perfect reason to end a relationship. Being uncomfortable is a good enough reason.
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You have raised a very good point and in a way answered your own question without thinking about it.
The key words here are "I'm uncomfortable" Any time your gut screams that to you it's not good. If he keeps saying things that make your uncomfortable, are vulgar or make you feel icky or weird than the issue is with him for sure.
Maybe he's clueless and has a problem with this stuff and doesn't know he shouldn't be saying it. Even if that's true he still needs someone to correct him about it and you don't have to put up with it a second longer.
I would speak to him and say "I'm really having second thoughts about us dating. You have made me extremely uncomfortable with X,Y,Z either this ends now or this is done."
It's one thing to be curious about certain things but when you're being creepy, vulgar, perverted even and making someone ultra uncomfortable there's a problem.
I think you know by now that he's not someone you should be with as the discomfort you are in now would appear to increase as this seems to be a part of his character and not something you can change especially if he can't see the issue.
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