GlassTexan's advice column

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Q: hey. i just met a girl about a week ago and weve only had one conversation but it was PERFECT. i knew that she was definetly the one. but heres the thing. i always act weird! ALWAYS. like sometimes im myself and confident and others im shy...and sometimes i talk to people trying to impress them. i have always done this and i hate it. what can i do to stop trying to impress people??

PS-please give real answers. what do i mean real? i mean no "just be yourself"/"dont think about it" crap.

I would NEVER give crap answers like "just be yourself." You could be a real loser--how do I know?
On the assumption you aren't--a risky prospect in the modern world--I will give you some classy advice.
If there is anyone in this world who gives a crappy-poo about you (even when you're stupid), you're golden. The whole world can kiss your not-so-royal buttox, because you know that most people don't care what you're doing or how stupidly you're doing it -- unless it is caught on tape, (because then it is freaking hilarious).
Secondly, just assume you aren't impressing anyone. That's usually the truth, no matter how hot you are. Well, that's a lie. If you're really hot, I'm darned impressed and would like a phone number please.

Q: Well im going to be a belly dancer for halloween and i cant change it now. But my problem is, i got my period and for my costume the pants are see through. All most all of it is. What if i leak? What can i do? HELP?

I have a brilliant idea.
Go as a VAMPIRE belly dancer, and if you leak say,"I'm saving some for later."

Q: This morning my dad got angry at me. The reason isn't really important. He threw the waffle that was eating at my shirt and got butter all over me. I was upset because he had the nerve to throw a waffle at me, and also because I was excited to wear the outfit that I had picked out to school. I started crying and I couldn't stop. Keep in mind that I have my period now. I was still crying when I got out of the car, and still crying when I was in homeroom. Of course, everyone was staring at me and wondering why my eyes were all puffy. My teacher suggested I go to the nurse, so I did and stayed there for half of first period. I was really happy by the time I was surrounded by my friends. First of all, I felt like an idiot because the people in my homeroom knew how upset I was in the morning, and then saw me laughing my head off with my friends two periods later. I just feel so stupid and I can't for the life of me understand why I was crying so much!! I know I have my perios, but I've never got PMS this severe before!! HELP PLEASE!! Has anyone beed throuhg an awkward situation like this?

The waffle abuse has got to stop. Dad wasted a perfectly good waffle on your shirt.
Secondly, welcome to the wonderful world of menstruation. You should fit right in on the crazy train.
But what's up with your dad? I'm really peeved about the waffle! I love a buttery waffle.
Men are affraid of "the period". Use this to get your dad to buy you a new butter-free shirt.

Q: Hi GlassTexan,
Im a 45 year old virgin and I can't seem to stop going to bars and picking up guys only to then just give them hand jobs and go no further, whats wrong with me? I just cant seem to get laid, I've even tried going to Nursing homes and handing out Viagra to see if I can ge tthem in the mood, it just doesn't work, everything is shriveled! What to do?

Dear Who-To-Do,
I think I saw you in a movie. Won't go into that, though.
Why jump the cow when you get milked for free? No more free hand jobs.
Now, are you shriveled or is it the old people? That could be a huge problem for you.
Have you seen the commercial where there is a risk of a four hour erection? Invest, sweetheart. And rock on.

Q: How do you get an ex-friend to stop fucking talking to you. I'm usually good at getting people to leave me alone, but this guy is insane. He stopped talking to me for a while but now he is starting again despite when I tell him to leave me alone. Any ideas?

My favorite method of getting psycho-stalkers to leave me alone is to take out a restraining order. I think the police can help you with that one.

Q: My boyfriend and I had sex last week and my period usally comes on around the 24 or 25. It is the 27 and my period still haven't come on. I have been have cramps and back pain. So am I pregnant or not?

I know of a nifty test called a pregnancy test. I bet you could find one if you looked really hard.

Q: ok hey, question for the girls. How would you feel if your boyfriend did something like this for you on Xmas. (by the way i am the male not the female lol) I get 2 roses, and put each in their own wrapped box. Ill say "when this rose dries up and dies, i will love you more," then give her the box and let her unwrap the first rose. then say "when this rose dries up and dies, you will love me more," then give her the box and let her open it. Then i will take a third box and say "when this rose dries up and dies, i will STOP loving you." and she will open the box, and it will be a glass rose. (for all the blondes out there, glass doesnt dry up and die ;-)) Ever. lol. what do ya think?

First of all, thanks for the hint about the glass rose, I was getting so peeved-off.
Cute idea, chick will get all mushy, and-hey- you may score.
However, my friend thinks this idea is really creepy. She hates things that dry up and die, like old men wee-wees.
Take my advice, though. I'm not so judgmental about shriveled things. Can't afford to be.

Q: where can you download music for FREE? And is there a place where you can download music withoiut sharing files?

Prison.

Q: my ex boyfriend of over 2 months is talking to another girl but yet he still talks to me when he sees me and talks to me on aim and everything and he toild my friend that we was gettin back 2gether but we dont never get to talk about it becasue everytime we finally talk she calls him...he told me that it would be easier if we went to the same school and im moving to the school that he goes to next semester but i cant go right now like he wants me to because that would be crazy to move in the middle of the first semester ya know...he told all my friends he still likes me but he needs time to think and that he cares about me and likes me alot but its hard so what should i do?

First off, are you one of those people who talks and talks until they run out of air? Because reading that question made me want to visit an oxygen bar.
Secondly, you need a new pastime. Start hounding a whole group of boys instead of just one. Share the wealth! Maybe your dude will be all revved-up to get you back once he sees you hanging out with other fellas. Or, he might just be relieved you found another person to talk to death. Either way, you're golden.

Q: Hey, there's this guy,...let's call him *Gavin*. Well, i dont know *Gavin* that well. but this is what i do know,...he's a football player, he's not real smart, he friends with alot of people and he's nice and funny, and a little retarded sometimes,...and i think he's shy,...but i kind of like *Gavin* but i dont know him that well,...what should i do to get to know him better? or for him to notice me?

Dear *Person*,
A real quick way to get a dumb guy's attention is to streak. It's not always legal, but it's sure to get some looks. Make sure you're in shape, first. We don't need no flappin'.
Now, *Person*, what makes you crave a beefcake with no brains? Are we lusting with no real desire for commitment? Well, that's all in good fun and I recommend it highly.

Q: One of my friends think that i have been practicing witchcraft and black magic. She thinks i have become a witch and she keeps scolding me. I told her im not a witch and she keeps lecturing me; What should i do?

Dear I'm-Notta-Witch,
You should do what a truly good friend would do. You should dress all in black, put on some crazy black eyeliner and then ask her over for a laid-back seance. That should allay all her fears.
Why would she be so worried that you are a witch? Are you already doing these things? If so, why are you hanging out with some chick who "scolds"? My granny "scolds". At least find a friend who will be normal and cuss you out.

Q: i know this is bad for me
so dont bother telling me to stop
i dont even smoke that regulary.. only when im stressed out lol
i always get dizzy?
is this normal? i mean ive only been smoking for about 3 months.. im not on 20 day.. im not even on 5 a week... more like 2 a week, it takes me about 2/3 weeks to get through a pack of 10.
could some one tell me why im feeling dizzy when i smoke?
thanks x x

I would strongly suggest you keep smoking. This reduces the level of competition for oxygen when you bite the dust.
Don't worry about the dizzy feeling. I'm sure you would feel it even if you didn't smoke. Rapid reduction in brain cells usually leaves one light-headed. I should know.
Good day, now, friendly smoker!

Q: what if your boyfriend does not know your kissing his best friend and me and his friend act wierd around him

First of all, we should practice the wonderful gift of punctuation.
Why are you being a subtle tart? If you want to be a tart, be a proud tart!

Q: my best friend is acting werid! she got mad at me because i told her i wanted my straightner back and she got all mad and didnt talk to me for the rest of the day and took me out of her profile.. what should i do?

Really Confused,
Your friend must base her moods on the state of her hair. Clearly, her hair is a frizzy, nappy mess; thus, her mood is a frizzy, nappy mess.
I would suggest that you find a friend who likes her hair no matter what state it is in, and the two of you will live happily ever after.
Oh, and keep the straightner, because those things are super-handy.

Q: Ok im a BOY and 14 years old...i like another girl...she is pretty kind to me and is 16...idk how i shud tell her that i rlly love her...ask her e-mail?go to a movie with her?please help!

First, I am going to analyze your question.
You proudly declare that you are a BOY. Then you say you like "another girl". Are you suffering from an identity crisis? Could you be feeling like a female?
Perhaps you are like my brother, who proudly declared at eight years-old that he was "a lesbian boy."
Secondly, I would not just bust out with, "I love you!" Warm her up a little with a gentle, "Hey, babe, wanna make-out in the back of a dimly lit theater?"