BY no means am I always right or know what to do. However, I will tell you what I would do in your situation and what I know to be the most honest and helpful advice that I can give.
Thanks for asking,
Honestymatters
Gender: Female
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Occupation: Office Administration/Single MOM
Age: 31
Member Since: October 29, 2005
Answers: 72
Last Update: November 16, 2005
Visitors: 7111
Main Categories:
Work/School Relationships
Love Life
Families
View All
|
| |
Hey guys. I'm sorry if this is kind of long, but I have something on my mind that is REALLY bothering me, and I really need help on it ASAP! I rate high, so PLEASE help me.
Ever since eighth grade, my mom has been impossible at times. I remember the summer that I was going into eighth grade. It was the first time that I ever really started to communicate with guys because i go to an all girls school. so, i was about twelve or thirteen when I first started meeting guys, going to parties, and all that stuff. well, i really really liked this guy named JC. I was like in love with him. And he liked me too. But, my mother was so overprotective, that that whenever I was talking to him, she would sit next to me on AIM and told me everything I had to tell him. And she would sit next to me while I was on the phone and she had to hear everything that was going on. She never let me tell him that I liked him. And guess what? the boy lost interest and to this day I cry myself to sleep because that was my first love and my mother never let me even talk to him. Therefore, him and his best friend say that I talk like an old lady all thanks to her.
Time passed by and my heart was healed my new love, Rafael. Rafael healed me and I healed him. He has been like a blessing to me. I love him so much. but, now i am in high school. my mother should be giving me more priveledges and space and privacy. But, she sits by me even when I talk to Rafael. So, Rafael sends me a music video and he told me just to listen to the words of the song. So, I did. and the words were very sweet. But, the video had some material in it that my mother did not like. It had like contrivercial things in our society. and it wasnt evey like sex or anything like that. It was like weird people. so, anyways, she took it very personally and made me tell Rafael that I did not want to have anything to do with that. And now, when I told her that she should let me make my own decisions and that I want to be with Rafael and she should just let me do what I want, she says that I am crazy and that I have no dignity and self respect. I told Rafael that I didn't like the video and he said that he was sorry for it, but my mom is so overprotective of me!
And another thing that she does is that whenever I tell her something, she always has to tell like the entire world. She tells my grandmother, my aunt, and she even tells the hairdresser! and then she tells me not to tell my best friend since like 8 years anything about whatever.
I've already tried talking to her and it doesn't work. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!! PLEASEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE ALREADY TRIED TALKING TO HER! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!
(link)
|
You said you have already tried talking to her about this, so that won't work. I agree with what the other advicentators are saying. Stop talking to your mother, about certain things though. Don't stop talking to her completely, she will probably tighten her reins on you if you do that.
Start talking more to your grandmother, aunt, and even the hairdresser about things she doesn't want them to know about.
They have no clue, she is probably making things out to be worse than they are. I bet your mom over exaggerates things when talking to them, or leaves things out, like how she treats you.
The best you can do, is be honest with them and tell them everything. When she confronts you about talking to them, just ask her "How does it feel when someone you thought you could trust blabs about you?" "Doesn't feel very good when people know everything you do, does it?."
Your mom is overbearing because she probably has nothing better to do with her own time. She is not happy unless she is making someone else miserable. Her self esteem is probably quite low also. I am sure she thinks that she's protecting you from evil things. I had the same kind of mom when I was growing up. It wasn't until I was seventeen that I was allowed to go anywhere without her.
Warn your boyfriend that your mom supervises everything you do. Let him know that when you are sounding like an old hag that she is right next to you. Your mom is going to be like this for a long time and because you are not eighteen yet, the only thing that you can do is make the best of it.
You could make an adventure out of your situation. A secret love in secret code. You could come up with a code that would let him know you love him, and are thinking of him. Something silly like, "My size sevens are killing me!" And he will know this is code for "I can't wait to see you." (You insert your shoe size in there and even rub your feet while your saying it.) Your mom will have no reason to believe you mean anything else.
Have fun with it, give her a dose of her own medicine. When she is on the phone sit next to her and try to run her conversation. Just do what she does to you. This might get the point across. Try to run her life the way she does yours. When she says butt out or comments on your behavior, just throw it in her face that it is exactly how you feel about her.
I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is clear that she is not letting you be a teenager or yourself. She is living through you and it is torture, I know, I have been there. Just keep reminding your friends and boyfriends that your mother is very strict and runs every aspect of your life. They will understand what you are going through and will be your friends instead of thinking you are the uptight wind bag.
Invite friends over for dinner or something and tell her you have invited them and if she makes you univite them you will tell everyone one of her secrets (or whatever she doesn't want anyone to know about). When she doesn't let your friends over, call a family relative she talks to and blab away. If you can't call them, then go see them, or tell them the next time you see them.
Just remember everything you say to them will get back to your mom. Conviction of your intentions is the only way to prove you want things to change. Just start treating her the way she treats you and tell her, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. Let her know that if she wants to be treated with respect and privacy, she needs to treat you like that too.
I hope that I have helped you even a little. Remember not to leave your secret code laying around for her to find. Otherwise she will know exactly what you are saying.
Good Luck
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
Ok well see I am a 13/f and my dad like hits me all the time with like eather a wooden stick or his hands or whatever he has in reach and it usually leaves bruises.....and like he always tells me when he does it that I could never call the police and get him in trouble because he will just say that it's his way of "punishing me". And like I always ask him why doesnt he just ground me or something else and he always says that he thinks this will work better.....but I really don't think it does. What should I doo?? Is this considered abuse or not??
thanxxx (link)
|
Dear Abuse?????,
I agree with what toXic x baBii x3 said. Yes, what he is doing is abuse. If he needs to punish you, then he needs to find another way to do it. Hitting you anywhere but your bottom and with anything other than his hand is abuse. If he is leaving bruises then he is just leaving proof of abuse. Regardless of what anyone else here has said, it is against the law and you can press charges against him. Although this may cause him to rage against you even more. By law, anyone who brings you physical harm is committing assault with bodily harm, as is punishable with jail time. Anyone who threatens to bring you physical harm is guilty of attempted assault and and harassment. By law you can have a restraining order put against him.
The punishment should fit the crime. What things are you doing to need punishment?
This is my suggestion, because it is obvious he has you too scared to call the police: (I have given this advice to others as well)
Keep a diary of every time he hits you. Make sure you write down exactly what you did to set him off. DO NOT LIE, or exaggerate. This will make you look like the liar and no one will believe you. Keep the diary in a safe hidden spot that he can never find. Every time he leaves a bruise, take picture of it and what he used to hit you with, put the date and time on the photo and then hide it with your diary. This is gathering proof of the type of abuse you are enduring. Your diary and photos should go hand in hand. For every photo, there should be an entry in your diary that describes what you did to make him mad, and what punishment he gave you. See, your diary, if put together right can be evidence in a court of law. Now the next step to ensure you are believed is to have witnesses to the abuse. Immediately after being abused call someone and tell them about it. Also, little tape recorders are good witnesses too. You can pick one up at any radio shack. Keep this on you and record when ever you are around him. Keep these tapes with your diary as well.
It is not illegal for you to tape any thing he does that involves dealing with you. It is only when neither party is aware of the conversation that it is not allowed as evidence in court. Only one party has to know they are being taped for it to be admitted into evidence. You know that you are being taped and that is good enough.
You need to get proof and documentation of the abuse. When you have recorded like two or three months of this behavior, take all of your photos, tapes and diary to the nearest Child Protective Services. Tell them you are afraid what he is going to do to you when he finds out that you told someone. They will place in a safe environment, you can tell them of a relative you may feel safe with. CPS will always try to place children with family first.
Things may get rough, but I think you are strong and have been through a lot already. Just remember that things may get worse before they get better, but at least you will not be getting abused.
Try not to make him mad anymore, if he just gets mad for no reason then you need to stand up for yourself and start keeping the diary. I hope things work out for you, and good luck.
Remember to stay honest and keep you head up. I hoped I helped :)
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
P.S. If the abuse gets any worse, get out of there. Stay with a friend or a relative and definitely report it to the police.
|
|
my life at home is hell all i get from my sis is abuse all me n my bro do is ague and fight my mum wont talk 2 me she never speaks 2 me about anythink never asks me if im alright never tells me she loves me never just asks hows my day been always sends me out the room and speaks 2 my sisters friends wont ever talk 2 me about anythink blames me for everythink buys my sis everythink always talks 2 her lets my bro off with everythink if i do what my bro does i will get smacked for it but if my bro does it then its ok(MY BRO CANT COMPRAMISE WITH ME MY SIS CANT BE NICE TO ME AND MY MUM CANT COMMUNICATE WITH ME ) H.E.L.P PPPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE (link)
|
I read what the Avicenators have posted and the part about abuse is true, and if this happening then you should definitely tell someone of authority. The sibling fighting is a natural part of growing up. As for your mom not communicating with you, that is a problem. My suggestion: Write your feelings down on paper. Maybe even in the form of a letter to her. Tell her how she makes you feel, and be honest and leave nothing out. Tell her that if she doesn't love you and doesn't want to treat you fairly then have her send you to live with a close relative that will give you the love and support that you need. If you cannot communicate with her, then don't. Just say what you need to say in a letter. Make sure you tell her like it is, and if she is a good parent she will feel ashamed of the way she has treated you. Word your letter wisely and do not lie or exaggerate. Do not tear her down, or bad mouth anyone. If she gets angry with you over this letter, (she is a BAD parent with screwed up priorities) then you should take it upon yourself to contact someone that can remove you from the negative environment she is promoting. I am sorry that I could not be more help. Take care and Good Luck. I am here if you need to vent anytime, just leave a message in my box.
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
|
okay... so my brother always swears at me and calls me fat and ugly and stuff... and he hits, punches, kicks, etc. me all the time. not enough to leave a bruise or anything (occasionally) but i'm not sure if this is considered abuse? also, my mom (my mom doesn't do it a LOT) and my sister both always tell me i'm stupid, ugly, fat, (same as my brother) but they don't hit me unless they're really mad... do you consider this abuse? (link)
|
Dear Abuse,
Yes, any hitting or degrading name calling is abuse. Personally, I would not put up with it!! I do not know how extreme the abuse is that comes from your mom, but if she was a good parent she would not be calling you fat and stupid or hitting you. That is mental and physical abuse. It's also against the law. Unfortunately, the fighting among siblings is up to her to stop.
Let me tell you what I did when my sister would hit or call me names. I found small ways to get her back without actually even touching her. One time I nailed her favorite shoes to the floor. Another time I sprinkled itching powder on all of her clothes paying close attention to her underwear. Then took the itching powder and sprinkled it on the toilet paper in the bathroom. I kept a roll hidden in my room that I would secretly take with me into the bathroom so I was not using the contaminated roll. (itching powder can be picked up at any gag shop in the mall) I put a dead fish in a sock behind her dresser. That made her hole room stink and she had no idea where it was coming from. I even waited for her to leave one day and used a needle and thread to sew the legs of some of her pants together. Not perfect stitches but solid ones.
I got into trouble every time I pranked her, but it was worth it to see her fall on her face when she put her pants on or tried picking her shoes up off the floor. The funniest though was watching her itch her butt every time she put underwear on. Eventually she got the hint that every time she hit me, or called me names I pranked her. Vaseline on the phone receiver was another good one or super gluing her hair brush and make up to the counter was classic. Dog poop in her backpack, jelly in a pocket or hair remover in the shampoo. The possibilities are endless. Most of my pranks were harmless, but it got the point across that IF I wanted, I could seriously ruin her day. It showed her that I had access to her when ever I wanted, and that left her feeling paranoid. I even let her know as long as she abused me, she would have to wonder if her underwear were spiked or if her shampoo would leave her bald. She stopped hitting and calling me names and the pranks stopped.
Please do not let the way they treat you stunt your spirit. Don't flip out and kill your family while they sleep either. People are driven insane all the time from being tormented and then they flip out. Don't let this happen to you. A sense of humor will see you through these tough times. It will make you a better person. Everything you endure in your life makes you who you are. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. Learn self defense and defend yourself.
If things are really bad, and your family truly abuses you for no reason, then maybe you should talk to an authority figure, like a teacher or counselor. You can even call CPS (Child protective services) yourself. Even tell your mom that if she hits you, or allows anyone else in the family to hit you, that you will report the abuse. But if you do this be sure that the abuse is serious and that there is evidence of it. Keep a diary of the fights and abuse. Your accounts of the events must be accurate and honest, no lies. That diary can be used in a court of law as evidence of abuse.
What ever you do, try not to let their negativity consume you. Don't hit them back, don't call them names. This will only feed their desire to abuse you even more. I wish I could help you more and I do not have all the answers (I wish I did). I can only tell you to keep your head up, keep smiling and be strong. Good Luck
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
13/f
ive lived with my grandparents for 13 years and just a few months ago i moved in with my mom and her boyfriend. i REALLY miss living with my grandparents and i feel like my moms trying to take me away from them. sometimes ill ask my mom if i can stay the night with my grandparents and she says no. we fight and argue every single night and im so sick and tired of it. i cry myself to sleep everynight because of her and her boyfriend. her b/f is so rude to me too. i try to talk to her about this but every time i try we get in another argument. i talk to my grandparents about it and they undersatnd but they dont know what to do. i just cant stand living with my mom and her boyfriend. if anyone can tell me what i can do besides talk to my mom please help me. (link)
|
You are 13 years old, that is old enough for any court to listen to you and place you where you want to live. If your mother's boyfriend is creating a hostile environment for you then make a record of it. Whenever there is a fight, and he is out of line, write it down, keep a diary. DO NOT LET ANYONE KNOW ABOUT THE DIARY. Anything you write down needs to be the truth, never lie, it will ruin your chances for the court to believe you. Your diary can admitted into court as evidence. You need to try proving that your mom is putting her boyfriends needs before yours. This will show neglect Please be careful not to instigate anything. What state is the house in, messy, neat? Does your mom do drugs? Does she leave them laying around? When you have recorded a couple of months worth of fights take a walk to the family court. Tell them you need public representation to protect you from your mother, use the words PRO BONO (Boe-know) That means FREE.
Your grandparents can go with you and testify to the conversation that you have when you call them crying about how you are being treated. How does your sister feel bout your mom? Since she gets all the attention she may like your mom and it would be a mistake to talk to her about anything you plan on doing. Eight year olds tend to tell on everyone. Keep your diary and your intentions secret. Go on with your daily life like you are now. Just keep track of everything. If you can get photos of the way your mom keeps house or if she leaves dangerous things lying around, or if there is any physical abuse on her part or her boyfriends part. You have to prove beyond reasonable doubt that you are in danger of physical or mental abuse. You have to prove that living there will bring you harm.
Unfortunately, if you cannot prove any of this then you will have to go another route. You say that your grandparents have raised you, right? Why did your grandparents raise you? What made your mom absent? Maybe whatever it is, she is still doing it. You could try and say taking you from the people that raised you is emotionally crippling and you are depressed. I hope that my advice is useful, just remember, NEVER LIE or try to plant fake evidence, this will only make it worse for you. Keep me posted, I am here anytime you need me. GOOD LUCK.
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
|
I won't really be shocked of nobody answers this, because it feels so unanswerable. But, my sister had a friend in my grade, and the friend talked really bad about my sister. So I told her it was bugging me, and she was really rude to me about it and used profanity in front of people at school. I ended up crying in the hall, and the next day my sister talks to her again when she knew I stuck up for her in a crowd of people. In other words, she doesn't care, I saw her talking to the girl today and I just wanted to scream and cry. Theres really no ending to her selfishness. I can't tell anyone, because it's a very long story, my mom doesn't care, my dad has no control. I'm just wondering how I can deal with my sister and mom treating me like crap without just screaming at them like always. It hurts to know that someone you stuck up for never even cared. What is the best way I can cope with this? (link)
|
Dear Unaswerable,
I agree with some of the other Advicenators when it comes to talking to your sister about her choice in friends. Beyond that I think you should keep your distance from her and her friends. The negativity is rubbing off onto you. Anyone who yells and uses profanity has serious anger issues, you were just a way to vent them. Let your sister learn the hard way. Don't try and stand up for her, she obviously doesn't need you to. Get out and make your own friends but keep your life separate from hers. She will soon learn that girl is a backstabber.
I feel for you with the whole mom thing, but "screaming at them like always" tells me that there is a lot of yelling. You feel like no one is listening to you, or treating you badly. Try this: instead of going off in a yelling fit, or arguing with them, keep your mouth shut. Say nothing. Grab your notebook, go to a place of peace for you. Your room, a park bench, the library or where ever it may be (some place where you can calm down without any of them disrupting you). Then write down on paper how they made you feel. Write a letter to each one of them that made you feel bad. Now this is going to be hard, but you can do it, break the pattern and be stronger than they are. It sounds to me like their lives are out of control. Choose your words wisely. Do not be rude or use profanity. (Any negativity will escalate to another fight) Do not put anyone down, just tell them how they make you feel. Make sure to remind them of how much you love them and you are tired of being treated like that. Above all be honest. Spend more time around people who do not make you feel badly. Keep up with your school work and focus on things that make you happy. Take up a hobby that requires a lot of your time, but stay in school and focus on your life, not your sister's, OK. Take care of yourself and if you ever need me I am here! GOOD LUCK
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
|
Ok, my gramma has cancer and shes dying. We dont think she will make it until Christmas. I have a big family, and we are all very close, so it's a sad thing. But for some reason, i just dont feel sad. I feel guilty, it feels like i dont care. I know i do care, but i dont feel sad. It seems like everyone else is sad except me. Am i like a bad person? Is this normal? Please help! (link)
|
Dear I'm not sad,
Reading through other member's advice, I agree with most of them. You are normal, everyone reacts differently to death. You may not even grieve after she is gone. BUT If everyone else is all sad about the news, then you should take a stand and say, "she's not dead yet, why are you all so sad" Make the most of every moment she has left on this planet. Even buy her a Christmas gift and give it to her tomorrow. With everyone around her expecting her to die soon she cannot be happy. Be the joy in her life so she can die with a smile. I hope that I have helped even a little. Give your grandma a hug for me OK. Best Wishes
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
|
well i was just wondering what do you do when you really have no one to turn to? when you grandmother don't care, your father is never their, you mom dosen't seem to understand and you sister just critizes you and you don't really have anyone to turn to? i just need some advice please help.. (link)
|
Dear What do you do,
I am sorry to hear that you feel you have no one to turn to, but you are wrong! You have turned to this site. We are here anytime you need someone to talk to. Also try talking to a school counselor. Or friends from school. This may be a small world but it has some big hearts in it. Maybe a neighbor down the street needs someone to talk to just like you. Get out and make friends. Then you will have more options of who you can turn to. What ever you do remember that we are always here. GOOD LUCK
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
Well, I am scared to death of my mom for no apparent reason. I am scared to do school work while she is awake because she might get mad at me. I hate to ever get money from her. It is so bad that I fear to even get a ride from her because I have this big fear of guilt. Isn't that hopelessly pathetic? I don't know why but I feel that if I let her do anything for me, that I am being a shitty child. Please someone else tell me that I am not just crazy or weird or someone else tell me that they have this issue.
15/m (link)
|
Dear Typical Teen,
Being afraid of your mom is typical of most teens, I know I was. You shouldn't feel guilty about getting rides or be scared to do homework while she is around though. Moms are most happy when their kids need them. What is it about her behavior that has you feeling guilty, or scared? Have you tried opening up to her about your fears? Honesty and communication are the key to a healthy relationship. When you have these two bases in any relationship there will be trust and understanding. NEVER KEEP YOUR FEELINGS BOTTLED UP!!!
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
|
|