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First of all, I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time.
You picked a good columnist to ask, if I may say so myself, because I too dealt with "control freak" parents -- up until I signed a contract with the United States Military (mostly because I wanted to, but partially because my parents couldn't exactly call the Army and say 'she's not going').
So I understand what you're going through, I truly do (but I don't suggest signing your life away to the government).
A lot of people would assume that you haven't earned your parent's trust and that's why they treat you this way. I know that's not always the case, because I was never one to get in trouble. Not even so much as a parking ticket.
However, it could be that in their eyes, this is the case. They could be unsure about your decision-making capabilities, or if you're an only child, it could be that they are afraid of letting you go and facing that horror of horrors: The empty nest.
I grappled with my parent's reasoning for a long time. I resented them for the time I lost, and the teenage years I'll never be able to live, but then I came to realize that, although they were confused, they thought they were doing the best they could for me.
They are very loving people, and I consider myself lucky to have parents who weren't in any hurry to get rid of me, which, hard as it is to believe, is worse. Please remember, even though this is frustrating, they obviously love you or they would want you OUT.
I decided to let it go and forgive them, but I also resolved not to treat my daughter (she's due next month) the same way. As parents, we must realize that our job is to raise self-sufficient ADULTS, not to raise children.
Before I get into the advice part, I need to say that I know you aren't obligated to take it, but as someone who has been there, I hope you'll take it to heart and mull it over, at least, because if I could do it over again, I could have saved myself some heartbreak.
Now all I can do is try and save YOU some heartbreak.
I think the best course of action for you is to talk to your parents about this. Tell them, in the most rational, reasonable way that you can, how you feel. Let them know that you are a grown woman, that you need more freedom, and that you are mature enough to make your own choices.
I think the lies you've told your parents in the past have hurt your case, but I can see where you felt you had no other options. You might want to tell them that, too.
Tell them that you don't want to go behind their backs, but you don't feel you're being given age-appropriate opportunities, and that if they would give you more freedom, you could prove to them that you've become a responsible woman they can be proud of.
Let them know that you would be more willing to remain at home and finish school if you felt your freedom and privacy were respected.
If you want, you can write all this down and give it to them in a letter, so you don't run the risk of being derailed and/or interrupted.
There is one point on which I can agree with your parents. School is very important, and you do want to know exactly where you're going and what you want before you get involved in a serious relationship.
This is only common sense -- you don't want to end up dependent on a man for what you need, because even if the two of you are soul mates, you never know what will happen down the road. One day, no fault of his own, he may not be there. You may have children of your own to support, and then you'll have to HOPE your parents will take you back. You don't want to be in that situation.
You don't really know a man until you've been around him for a year or more, and see him in every situation. I say this over and over because it is of paramount importance: You have to observe him, the way he treats you, his friends, and total strangers. Don't listen to what he says. Watch what he DOES. Talk is cheap.
He will be different when you are friends.
He will change again when you are dating.
He will change if you move in with him.
He will change again, and drastically, when you get married.
He'll change yet again if you decide to have children.
You have to be absolutely certain that this is a man who deserves you, and will treat you with respect, placing you above all else in his life.
As I said, if you look at this from an objective point of view, setting aside (hard as it is) your anger and frustration, you will see that your situation may need only minor adjustments.
Best case scenario:
If you can get your parents to listen, you can stay at home and focus on your education and your anxiety issues while still living your life.
Less ideal:
Stick it out at home, trying to earn their respect through your actions. At least you'll be financially secure and working towards your independence.
Worst case:
You move out, and take your chances on your own. You're risking alienating your support group, so if something happens, you may not have a place to go. I hope it doesn't come to this, but as I said, you ARE an adult (don't let them convince you otherwise) and you ARE entitled to make your own decisions.
Just make sure they are decisions you can live with, and that they are not clouded by emotion. Rational thought is your best friend.
I very much hope this helps. Maybe someday you'll drop me a line and let me know how things worked out.
If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know.
Wishing you all the best.
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