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Q: 19/f

I am 19 and my parents dont really allow me to do much. I feel like a child. My friends all make fun of me for being under such close watch and not being allowed to go places and do things like most 19 or 18 year old do, because i always have to ask my parents and hope that they will permit me to do something... I have no freedom. I've fairly recently gotten in trouble for trying to go out, because I said so, and I was like... its time to stop being controlled by my parents and get out and have some fun.
I had to deceive my parents so that i could do what i wanted to do. I couldn even leave the house without my mom looking out the door to see who was picking me up and to see if they were there yet...etc.... I didnt know my mom was going to follow me to the door, so that foiled my plan. I was going to walk up the road, but my mom was like "no, tell your friend to come pull up infront of the door". And then she saw that it was a male friend and not the female friend i told her it was. I got in a lot of trouble and got yelled at and lectured.. Now my parents say they dont trust me and i cant go anywhere or do anyyything. My friends say "you're 19, you can do what you want....etc."..

I want to know if it would be f***ed up or not if I were to just slip out the house and move one day and not tell my parents anything until I get there. I want to live with a certain guy, but, i mean, when i am ready to move in with him and when i'm sure thats what i want to do. And I will call my parents from my new residence, or better yet text them and be like "umm.... yeah.... i moved..."

They dont even want me meeting with this guy. They dont want me to meet with no guy or do anything. And I am so tired of my parents! I need to get away from them! I'm not going to even bother with introducing them to the guy, because they wont want me with him cuz he's 22 and i told my mom a little bit about him and she's like "you dont need to be with him. you dont need to be with anybody. You need to focus on school and focus on gettin yourself together first (work on myself in terms of anxiety problems etc.)" They just want to keep me as their boyfriend-less child for as long as they possibly can.

And I dont want to bother with telling them i plan on moving out. So do you think it would be messed up if i just moved out, and in with this guy, and just told them about it after the fact? Just so they know what happened to me.. and that way they cant do anything about it
First of all, I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time.

You picked a good columnist to ask, if I may say so myself, because I too dealt with "control freak" parents -- up until I signed a contract with the United States Military (mostly because I wanted to, but partially because my parents couldn't exactly call the Army and say 'she's not going').

So I understand what you're going through, I truly do (but I don't suggest signing your life away to the government).

A lot of people would assume that you haven't earned your parent's trust and that's why they treat you this way. I know that's not always the case, because I was never one to get in trouble. Not even so much as a parking ticket.

However, it could be that in their eyes, this is the case. They could be unsure about your decision-making capabilities, or if you're an only child, it could be that they are afraid of letting you go and facing that horror of horrors: The empty nest.

I grappled with my parent's reasoning for a long time. I resented them for the time I lost, and the teenage years I'll never be able to live, but then I came to realize that, although they were confused, they thought they were doing the best they could for me.

They are very loving people, and I consider myself lucky to have parents who weren't in any hurry to get rid of me, which, hard as it is to believe, is worse. Please remember, even though this is frustrating, they obviously love you or they would want you OUT.

I decided to let it go and forgive them, but I also resolved not to treat my daughter (she's due next month) the same way. As parents, we must realize that our job is to raise self-sufficient ADULTS, not to raise children.

Before I get into the advice part, I need to say that I know you aren't obligated to take it, but as someone who has been there, I hope you'll take it to heart and mull it over, at least, because if I could do it over again, I could have saved myself some heartbreak.

Now all I can do is try and save YOU some heartbreak.

I think the best course of action for you is to talk to your parents about this. Tell them, in the most rational, reasonable way that you can, how you feel. Let them know that you are a grown woman, that you need more freedom, and that you are mature enough to make your own choices.

I think the lies you've told your parents in the past have hurt your case, but I can see where you felt you had no other options. You might want to tell them that, too.

Tell them that you don't want to go behind their backs, but you don't feel you're being given age-appropriate opportunities, and that if they would give you more freedom, you could prove to them that you've become a responsible woman they can be proud of.

Let them know that you would be more willing to remain at home and finish school if you felt your freedom and privacy were respected.

If you want, you can write all this down and give it to them in a letter, so you don't run the risk of being derailed and/or interrupted.

There is one point on which I can agree with your parents. School is very important, and you do want to know exactly where you're going and what you want before you get involved in a serious relationship.

This is only common sense -- you don't want to end up dependent on a man for what you need, because even if the two of you are soul mates, you never know what will happen down the road. One day, no fault of his own, he may not be there. You may have children of your own to support, and then you'll have to HOPE your parents will take you back. You don't want to be in that situation.

You don't really know a man until you've been around him for a year or more, and see him in every situation. I say this over and over because it is of paramount importance: You have to observe him, the way he treats you, his friends, and total strangers. Don't listen to what he says. Watch what he DOES. Talk is cheap.

He will be different when you are friends.

He will change again when you are dating.

He will change if you move in with him.

He will change again, and drastically, when you get married.

He'll change yet again if you decide to have children.

You have to be absolutely certain that this is a man who deserves you, and will treat you with respect, placing you above all else in his life.

As I said, if you look at this from an objective point of view, setting aside (hard as it is) your anger and frustration, you will see that your situation may need only minor adjustments.

Best case scenario:

If you can get your parents to listen, you can stay at home and focus on your education and your anxiety issues while still living your life.

Less ideal:

Stick it out at home, trying to earn their respect through your actions. At least you'll be financially secure and working towards your independence.

Worst case:

You move out, and take your chances on your own. You're risking alienating your support group, so if something happens, you may not have a place to go. I hope it doesn't come to this, but as I said, you ARE an adult (don't let them convince you otherwise) and you ARE entitled to make your own decisions.

Just make sure they are decisions you can live with, and that they are not clouded by emotion. Rational thought is your best friend.

I very much hope this helps. Maybe someday you'll drop me a line and let me know how things worked out.

If you need anything else, don't hesitate to let me know.

Wishing you all the best.

Q: How should I approach my girlfriend parents in wanting her back and everything back the way they were because we had a big fight and I shouldn't have involved them but I did and now they must think I am a monster but I am no where near. They think that she may be unsafe with me but only after one misunderstanding I am not normally like this I want to reassure them that I am her safety and I was under a lot of stress also but blew up on the wrong person
You've gotta be honest here, guy, if you want a good answer: what happened, exactly?


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March 17, 2009


Last Update:
March 30, 2009


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