My mother's speech on my wedding day, "...my daughter is wise beyond her years, and has been more of a mother to me than I have to her..."
It was a touching moment for me, and a realisation that she was probably right.
I'm 28 yrs old, and helping people is the most rewarding feeling for me.
I have had my share of downs, and lived to tell the tale. Amongst just some of the hurdles I faced in my life: my attempted suicide, harrased by my fathers ex lover for 2 years, my father's many affairs (at least 6), my mother's breakdown which left me to fend for myself as a 14 year old along with my 3 month old sister at the time. Seeing my friend murdered, having aother friend commit suicide, disovering 4 new half brothers and sisters.
After everything life threw at me, I have managed to come out a stronger person, and much much wiser. Sometimes the going get's rough and I feel helpless and frustrated, but I always bounce back.
I'm here to give advice as best I can, and pride myself on having always given fair, and objective advice - even when it was to very close friends, and my advice wasn't in their favor.
Gender: Female
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
Occupation: Personal Assitant, wife & stepmom
Age: 28
Member Since: October 27, 2004
Answers: 17
Last Update: December 2, 2004
Visitors: 2817
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HI Wisewoman,
I did talk to him. I called him up last night around 6:45 or so.. and we talked. The first 10 minutes we were catching up on old times.. just seeing how eachother is and whats new.. Mind you that was not the reason I wanted to talk to him. So I jumped right into the questions because he wasnt going to asking me anything etc. So I asked him when my friend messaged you to write to me etc. That is the only reason u wrote back to me. and he said noo he said I was more worried so I replied to you. I said okay. and I said I Understand that you have family issues, but can't you at least tell me instead of me thinking something bad happened to you.. He said you are right. I made a mistake and I'm Sorry. I even said that his friends are not really replying properly to me regarding you so I was worried even more. I said I wanted to come down but I couldnt get in touch with him. I said what do you want to do now? he said Ive been thinking about this for a while now.. and I sill don't know. I said how about this. You take your time and think about it then let me know and well discuss it.. and then I said I have to go do some stuff. I'll talk to you tomarrow or something. Hes like yah call me tomarrow. I said alright and then I hung up the phone. By the looks of it when I was telling him stuff like being straight to the point and saying how I felt.. he didnt sound like he was taking it too serious. He was giggling most of the time.. and that really got me frustrated.. Now I am more pissed than upset. Just after one phonecall. What now. should I call again and talk somemore? or wait for him to respond to me.. (link)
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You've made the first move by calling him. You laid all your cards on the table by telling him how you feel. He didn't seem to respond in theway you wanted, nor did he tell you how he felt about you.
The ball is now in his court. He has the facts, he knows your feelings. Stop running after him. Don't call him to talk somemore. If he really wants to talk, and if he really cares, HE will call you.
Simply... wait for him to call you.
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well I got an email from him today... and it says this:
hi Mo,
how r u?
call me tonite if you can. ok. talk to you later.
bye
bhaskar
I sent him a letter a love letter sort of say like a few days ago.. this is what it says: Dear Bhaskar,
I'm writing this letter to explain to you how I feel. Bhaskar, I am starting to fall for you, and it is driving me crazy, because I can't seem to tell you how I really feel. I need to know where I stand in your life and if it could ever be more than what we are now. I'm starting to develop strong feelings towards you, and I don't know why. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but I got sprung! And it is you my heart's sprung on.
I love your eyes, your smile, your hair, your body, and your voice, damn that voice, it drives me off the wall. When I hear your voice my heart skips a beat. Damn, Baby boy, I am crazy about you.
I need to know how you feel about me. Could you possibly feel the same towards me, or this can never be. I just want you to be mine. I want to be able to say that you're my man. Well, now you know that I am secretly falling in love with you. I just wish I could hear those same words from you. Maybe one day, but until then I guess all I can do is wait. Please, don't make me wait too long!
But first I have to get the courage to tell you how I feel. So until then, I love you!
Love always,
Mo
What do u think he is gonna say to me on the phone.... I need to talk to u asap
(link)
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I'm sorry I could only respond to your question now.
Did you call him already?
Unfortunately I have no idea what he will or did say.
Looking at your letter, maybe he wants to set things straight between the two of you. And that's exactly what you need to be able to know where you stand.
I don't know whether it's too late, and whether you have already spoken to him... if not let me know...
Take care :0)
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HI Wisewoman,
I have been contacting his friend regarding THE GUY.. and he said that when he tried talking to him he didnt want to talk about it. I don't understand why he would act like that. I have been nothing but nice to him. Yes, I've been a bit crazy with the emails and stuff.. but that was in the past. You would think that knowing what I've done that he would be more accepting. He emailed me once and told me this: You don't need to worry about me too much. I have some family issues that I need to deal with. I will talk to u later. and after that I got no response. Those msg's I sent where b4 he sent that msg to me. I don't understand why hes got to be soo secretive that he can't even share things with me.. His friend tells me: Do you think you should hold on to him especially if hes not responding to you? I don't really know what to do.. its hard lettting go.. esp whenever I hear from his friend. I somehow subconciously beleive that there is hope when I hear from his friend.. I dunno. I think im crazy.. wat do I do? pls help
-ss (link)
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Dear ss
It's always hard to let go of someone you care about. But you have to.
Stop pushing this guy to share things with you. By pushing him to open up to you, all you're really doing is pushing him further away.
It sounds like he doesn't want to talk about it to you or his friend.
Let him be.
Respect HIS feelings. He needs time, so give him the time he needs. You're not helping by putting pressure on him.
When HE is ready to be with you or even talk to you or open up, he will.
Until then you need to back off and let go.
Stop reading into everything so much. He has his reasons for what he is doing. You cannot force someone to talk to you, nor can you force someone to care about you. That is the harsh reality.
Why do you think there is hope when you hear from his friend?
What does his friend have to do with how he feels about you?
Darling wake up and smell the coffee. YOU are driving YOURSELF crazy by holding onto something that might never be. You're becoming obsessed, and most men don't like that. In fact it totally freaks them out. So just back off.
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
Let him go! If things are meant to be and if he wants to be with you, he will contact you.
You're not closing the door, instead you're sitting in front of the open door waiting and hoping for something to happen.
You need to move on with your life.
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Thanks so much for replying WiseWoman. Just reading what you had to say has made me feel better, and your words have helped at the least. I know what you're saying is right but I find it so hard to break away from Mick (my 'boyfriend'). I saw him this weekend and he was really nice to me but all the while we were together his mobile phone was switched off. As I left him he switched it on and received 2 text messages which he wouldn't let me read. His behaviour is suspicious, he's unstable and unpredictable but he protests that he wants to be with me and 'can't live without me.' I have become depressed again as I never know where I am with him and, although I've moved away, it seems as though he won't stay out of my life, particularly begging to see me at weekends. The rest of the week he doesn't really make the effort and accuses me of seeing other men, even though I know it is him who is untrustworthy. Why does he behave like this? My friend thinks that Mick has some sort of personality disorder, wants to control me from afar and would rather upset me and prevent me from getting on with my life than not have any contact at all. What do you think? (link)
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Darling, you read my advice, and it's still the same.
Although I am not a professional in personality disorders, I do think that Mick might have some sort of mental problem.
On the other hand, it is so common for men to want to have complete control over women, and often these types of men are the ones who are not only emotionally and physically abusive but also mentally unstable.
I really do think you are making a mistake by staying with Mick. Can't you see how he is further manipulating you by telling how he needs you and can't live without you.
And also, I'm really sorry to say this, but he is using you for a convenience relationship. In other words, he sees you when HE wants to. You don't seem to have a say in anything.
Darling you have already entered the downward spiral of a dead end realtionship.
Is anything good coming out of your relationship with Mick?
It seems to only be getting you down, andyou're feeling depressed.
Shouldn't a mutally beneficial relationship make a person feel fulfilled and happy?
Your friend has said it spot on!
As hard as it is going to be, get rid of him!
And from what you have said, it sounds like when you do, things could get ugly. Trust me, I know! I've been there!
So take precautions!
Does he know where you live?
If so, change your locks on your doors, or if you can afford to... MOVE.
Change your phone number.
And if you feel afraid of him... get a restraining order against him.
Most importantly, if you want to speak to him face to face about not seeing him again, make sure it is in a public place, or take a friend with you, who can wait outside or in another room for you.
I know all of this may sound drastic, but you know him better than anyone.
Think about his personality and his reactions. Then think about what kind of steps you need to take to cut him out of your life completely.
Think long and hard before you do anything though. Ask yourself important questions like, has our relationship ever made ME feel good?
Has he ever come to visit me? What good has come out of your relationship?
Think carefully...
Deep down you know what you need to do for yourself...
Think of yourself before him!
Good luck!!
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Hi
I'm very confused about my boyfriend as he is causing chaos in my life and I'm not sure what to do. I've been going out with him for 3 years and the first year was great, although we both had partners when we got together. He has a history of cheating on his girlfriends and treating them badly but I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt as he treated me so well. He was sweet, funny, attentive but the more I got to know him I realised that he wasn't the same person I thought I knew. He was also an amphetamine addict who eventually gave up and then was diagnosed with depression.
When I moved in with him last year I found him to be lying constantly, playing mind games, criticising me, being moody, shouting and blaming me for things that go wrong in his life. He has called me names, told me lies that are so obvious yet protests he's telling the truth. I also suspected he was having an affair with a woman around the corner from us which all the evidence pointed to. At the same time he was Mr Charming to everyone else as he manipulated people into thinking that he was a victim, and seemed to have this double personality.
I became so miserable and insecure that I moved out and 55 miles away to live with my parents, which he didn't seem to be bothered about. However within a few days he was ringing me, cying that he couldn't live without me, so I agreed to see him at weekends to help him through his depression. I was seeing him every weekend since May this year but he has only visited me 3 time in all that time, making excuses that he has no money (more lies). Then he hires cars for the weekend occasionally out of spite to prove that he indeed has money but still pretends he can't afford it! When I'm there he acts aloof and doesn't appreciate how much effort and money I spend to see him and doesn't make me feel special or loved. Yet when I'm away and refuse to answer his telephone calls he bombards me with phone calls making false promises of moving to be with me. He goes out with his friends drinking but when I visit he never seems to have any money to do anything and constantly complains about how worse off he is. I feel like I'm going mad as he acts like a different person, depending who he is with at the time. He even lies about when he sees his family and withholds conversation from me about their lives so I never know what he really does from one day to the next except what he wants to tell me.
Recently he sold his house at auction and made £60,000 but has nowhere to live and claims that he sold the house for my benefit!! He says he still can't afford to see me. The only thing he is interested in is me buying a house with him, but I don't even feel like he is my boyfriend who loves me. He has a history of bad credit and a CCJ. Should I trust him or is he using me? Why does he play these mind games with me and expect me to see him with promises he never keeps? Should I just dump him?
Thanks
Nicky (link)
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Nicky my dear....
You are being completely used and emotionally abused. You have allowed this guy to take you for a complete ride.
Have you listened to what you have just said to me?
This guy is 100% bad for you!
Get rid of him! Cut all ties completely!
He is only going to bring you down into the pit that he is already in (if he hasn't done so already).
I really feel for you, because I know exactly what you are going through.
I was with one of my ex's for 2 years, and prior to that we were good friends for 4 years.
Same story as yours.
My friends tried to tell me how he was using me, lying to me and playing mind games. But I refused to believe anyone, until I discovered that he got married! I had been with him all that time, and never knew. Or refused to believe it.
Nicky, don't wait until you get seriously hurt, you have already endured enough.
If you don't do it now, this man will ruin you and your life. Not only emotionally but financially too!
You sound like a very intelligent woman. Don't allow yourself to be used by a loser like this.
You deserve MUCH better!
Be strong, and cut him out of your life completely!
Don't look back!
Nicky, I hope you make the right descision for YOU!
Good luck, and please write if you need more advice.
:o)
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Well.. Heres my story...
Im desperately in LOVE with my 3rd Ex Boyfriend.
We used to "DO" Things together Every night except 2 nights ago.. i found him Screwin another guy in MY BED!!! He's Gay.. What do i do? Is he using me for Men?
We have 15 kids together and i feel great. i just want to screw him again. How cani get him back?
Without feelin weird that hes Gay:(
My dogs even have fun with us. Even our lovely good workin goats and kids.. We all love to screw around town. If you know what i mean.
The age of me is 20. Him is the age of 64.
We were deaply in love cant ya tell?
I desperately need help so will you be kind and be that person to write back?
Thanks.. Teary eyed... (link)
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Are you serious????
15 kids, dogs, goats, screwin around town.
Is this some kind of joke????
I don't mean to sound un-sympathetic, but you don't need my advice... You need a SHRINK!
GET HELP!!!
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im 27 married and inlove with a 40ys old marrieed woman. we love each other. any advice. tnx (link)
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When you're in love with someone you can't have - it will always end in hurt.
You don't give me much detail, so the advice I am giving you is based upon assumptions...
Has she made any move to get a divorce? I'm not talking about whether she has said she will leave her husband for you, what I mean is, has she actually done something like file for a divorce?
If she hasn't, then chances are she won't leave him for you.
Do you think that what youa re doing is morally correct?
I know love doesn't have any rules, but do yu really want to build your happiness on someone elses unhappiness? What about the hurt you will be causing the husband? How long have they been married? Are there children involved?
Put yourself in his shoes... How would you feel if you found out your wife had been cheating on you?
Even worse, if there are children involved, chances are even more slim, that she will leave her husband for you.
So my final advice is this:
Relationships with a married person rarely ever works in the long run, and even more so when there is a huge age gap like yours.
Can you picture yourselves together, and happy 20 years from now?
You have unfortunately landed yourself in a huge moral dilema.
You need to think your situation through very carefully before proceeding.
Put your emotional feelings aside for just a few minutes, and think about what you are doing, and where you want this relationship to go.
I don't know if my advice helped, maybe you should ask someone else. My opinion might be biased as my father had many affairs when my parents were married. It destroyed my mother, and me. I am totally against adultry.
Whatever you decide, you both will have to live with your decision.
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ok ladies i need your help haha,
ok every girl has worn lipstick at least once in their life, but what if youre about to have a makeout session with your boyfriend while wearing lipstick, doesnt it get all over his face or something, and make a big mess? well, please help quickly! i kinda need help NOW!
thanks! (link)
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Helloooooo
Ladies wear lipstick!! So what. It's part of being feminine.
You shouldn't have to plan your make-out sessions to begin with. So what if your lipstick get's smudged or all over his face.
Wipe it off with tissues afterwards.
Or blot your lips with a tissue before you begin your make-out session.
But if it really bothers you that much, wear colour stay lipstick. Or don't wear any at all... just wear some nice smelling lipbalm.
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HI,
Thanks for your advice. I never knew that there are some guys out there that wont tell a woman that they no longer want to be with and/or talk to them.. I thought he was different.. I guess not. I will take ur advice and not call him or do anything.. and just wait.. maybe one day soon he will come back..
btw do u have an e-mail address where i can write to you from time to time...
-ss (link)
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Glad I could help...
I'd rather you to use this site to email me on.
At the moment I only have my work email address, and I prefer to use it for business.
But feel free to mail me anytime, as I check this site daily for my new messages.
Take care...
:o)
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okay there is this totally cute guy that I have liked for about a year or more.Last weekend I was at his house I kissed him and he kissed me back. I know there was something there, but we got caught by my dad. My dad didnt know that I had liked him for that long.Now both my parents dont6 want me to see him so I feel trapped and dont know what to do. I have cried over this guy many times and never knew he liked me.He knows how I feel about him and he says he doesnt want a girlfriend right now which is totally fine but now things are weird between us. How do I ask him out without getting hurt.PLZ HELP!!!! (link)
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"This totally cute guy"
How old are you? It sounds more like you are infatuated with him.
I'm sorry that you got caught, I know how embaressing that can be. But putting that aside, have you actually listened to what you said. You said that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, and yet you want to ask him out, but you don't want to get hurt?????
The only way to save yourself further hurt and further embaressment is by not asking him out!!!
Stop obsessing over this boy! He knows how you feel, so if he is interested, he will ask you out once things stop being weird.
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ok i really need help!
alright there is this guy...and ive liked him for a LONG time and we went out but he moved so we broke up but we're still really good friends and i talk to him every day and i love him alot still!! well i know i should move on and everything and theres this other boy that im starting to like alot and i wanna like him but i feel really guilty because i told the other guy id always love him and no one else and thats the truth that i will always love him but it seems wrong! can someone please help me ill rate high! (link)
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I'm assuming you're still pretty young (in your teens??). If so, why on earth are you being so serious about relationships (boyfreinds)?
You are still going to "fall in love" a few times in your life.
Although you told him you'd always love him, and you probably still do - maybe just as a friend.
You made no commitment to him, and he has moved away. He may even have met someone new too.
Learn from the mistake you made with this guy, and becareful about using the word "forever" again. It is a really long time.
Just remember that things change, feeling change too. So don't commit yourself to some one "forever" unless you plan on marrying him - I mean if there is an engagement ring on your finger, and you've set a date for the wedding.
Until then... go for this new guy and have fun.
Good luck!
WW :0)
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HI,
this is regarding my question on Confused.. Just recently. I don't hear from him, no calls, no txt messages no e-mails where he is.. I dont' get it. hes hanging me on the line.. I mean.. if he didnt wanna talk or be with me he should at least tell me someway or another. I told him.. I don't like whats goin on etc.. and ive txt messaged him to message me back.. but no replies from him.. why is he doing this... he told me b4 that he still wants to be with me.. etc.. and his friends know about me.. he says.. so what can be the problem.. I try telling myself that hes just bz and has things he needs to doo so he cant talk to me rite now. but I know its a lie... :( I need some advice from you.. can u help me out.. pls...
-ss (link)
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Girl, I really don't mean to be harsh to you... but, he is totally playing you.
Simply put, he is a coward, and although he told you he wants to be with you, by not answering your calls, txt msg's etc, he is too much of a coward to be straight forward with you. He probably doesn't know how to tell you that it is over. Some guys (in fact most guys) just don't know how to vocalise their feelings. And from what you have said, it is definitely over!
My friend, the only advice I can give you, is to try to forget about him and move on. Don't humiliate yourself by running after him, especially if he's not responding. Stop lying to yourself, and be truthful.
Just let him go. If things are meant to be, then he will be in touch with YOU, not the other way round. You have made enough of an effort.
As hard as it might be for you, just let him be.
And keep your chin up! Remember that every pot has it's lid. It doesn't sound like this is the lid for your pot...
Good luck to you... just holler if you need any more advice.
:o)
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HI,
I have a situation. I have been involved with this guy for close to a month.. We talk on the phone alot, and just recently we met up.. I met him through some desi personal site. Things were going great until after we met up.. I don't hear as much from him, I dont even get a comment regarding our meeting and when he does call he acts strange towards me. I have asked him whats going on... and he tells me nothing. then later on I ask him to be straight up with me.. and he tells me that he likes me alot... but he doesnt know if he can eventually marry me in the end.. You see he is Hindu Bengali and Hindu Punjabi. He says that he has hurt his family before with a previous relationship that lasted 7 years and he doesn't want to hurt them again. But he also says that he wants to continue this relationship regardless if it happens so that he cannot marry me.. What do I do? All my life I have been in relationships where guys have said the exact same thing to m e.. and I've continued with the relationship.. just because for me its hard to find someone that actually likes me. Should I continue this relationship with him? or let him go.. I am so confused and frustrated...
Help Pls
-ss
(link)
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Confused? All you need to do is look within yourself!
Firstly, what do YOU want out of a relationship. Go on... ask yourself. And make a list, even if it means writing it down.
Then check your list. Can this man give you what you want out of a relationship? From what you have said it doesn't sound like it.
You want more than he can give you. You want to get married, right? So you should consider whether you really want to waste your time with someone like this.
If all you want is a casual relationship, or even just a friendship, then continue seeing him. But you said you like him very much? Break ties now, while it is still just like and not love. Besides, he has enough issues of his own which he needs to deal with. When he is ready to commit to someone he will.
Secondly, you souldn't be looking for someone that likes you. This is probably why you have continued in relationships, which have not ended the way you planned.
Love just happens. You can't go out looking for it, nor can you sit waiting for it to happen. You need to carry on with YOUR life. Find a hobby, get a penpal and make new friends. You first need to be happy on your own, and happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. And don't despair, some of the most beautiful romances have blossomed from friendships.
Darling, as the old saying goes...if you love someone set them free, if he come back it was meant to be, and if he doesn't it was never meant to be.
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