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Strange boyfriend
Hi
I'm very confused about my boyfriend as he is causing chaos in my life and I'm not sure what to do. I've been going out with him for 3 years and the first year was great, although we both had partners when we got together. He has a history of cheating on his girlfriends and treating them badly but I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt as he treated me so well. He was sweet, funny, attentive but the more I got to know him I realised that he wasn't the same person I thought I knew. He was also an amphetamine addict who eventually gave up and then was diagnosed with depression.
When I moved in with him last year I found him to be lying constantly, playing mind games, criticising me, being moody, shouting and blaming me for things that go wrong in his life. He has called me names, told me lies that are so obvious yet protests he's telling the truth. I also suspected he was having an affair with a woman around the corner from us which all the evidence pointed to. At the same time he was Mr Charming to everyone else as he manipulated people into thinking that he was a victim, and seemed to have this double personality.
I became so miserable and insecure that I moved out and 55 miles away to live with my parents, which he didn't seem to be bothered about. However within a few days he was ringing me, cying that he couldn't live without me, so I agreed to see him at weekends to help him through his depression. I was seeing him every weekend since May this year but he has only visited me 3 time in all that time, making excuses that he has no money (more lies). Then he hires cars for the weekend occasionally out of spite to prove that he indeed has money but still pretends he can't afford it! When I'm there he acts aloof and doesn't appreciate how much effort and money I spend to see him and doesn't make me feel special or loved. Yet when I'm away and refuse to answer his telephone calls he bombards me with phone calls making false promises of moving to be with me. He goes out with his friends drinking but when I visit he never seems to have any money to do anything and constantly complains about how worse off he is. I feel like I'm going mad as he acts like a different person, depending who he is with at the time. He even lies about when he sees his family and withholds conversation from me about their lives so I never know what he really does from one day to the next except what he wants to tell me.
Recently he sold his house at auction and made £60,000 but has nowhere to live and claims that he sold the house for my benefit!! He says he still can't afford to see me. The only thing he is interested in is me buying a house with him, but I don't even feel like he is my boyfriend who loves me. He has a history of bad credit and a CCJ. Should I trust him or is he using me? Why does he play these mind games with me and expect me to see him with promises he never keeps? Should I just dump him?
Thanks
Nicky
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I always find it helpful to step outside of my own mind when I am in these situations. Why not reread your letter to me, but pretend it's a stranger writing to you? What are your impressions?
My impressions are certainly, WITHOUT A DOUBT, that you need to move on. You are not only spending time and money on someone who does not care about you, but you are allowing your emotions to get abused and entagled in a bad situation.
Lying? Cheating? Treating you like shit?
I don't even see why there would be a doubt. People with double personalities can be master manipulators; it's important that you completely cut him from your life. If you allow yourself to be drawn into his mental health issues, become his weekend nursemaid, etc...you're not ever going to be able to escape.
Stand up for yourself and leave this situation. Let you boyfriend know it is over, and then do not respond to emails, phone calls, text msgs, etc. You need to completely cut all contact, or you'll end up in this unhappy relationship for another year...or years. Is this how you want to spend your life? Is this how you imaged a solid, happy relationship to be?
You sound like a genuinely lovely person. Open and share yourself with someone who deserves your respect and is willing to give you some in return. You do not have to put up with this.
Good luck.
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Nicky my dear....
You are being completely used and emotionally abused. You have allowed this guy to take you for a complete ride.
Have you listened to what you have just said to me?
This guy is 100% bad for you!
Get rid of him! Cut all ties completely!
He is only going to bring you down into the pit that he is already in (if he hasn't done so already).
I really feel for you, because I know exactly what you are going through.
I was with one of my ex's for 2 years, and prior to that we were good friends for 4 years.
Same story as yours.
My friends tried to tell me how he was using me, lying to me and playing mind games. But I refused to believe anyone, until I discovered that he got married! I had been with him all that time, and never knew. Or refused to believe it.
Nicky, don't wait until you get seriously hurt, you have already endured enough.
If you don't do it now, this man will ruin you and your life. Not only emotionally but financially too!
You sound like a very intelligent woman. Don't allow yourself to be used by a loser like this.
You deserve MUCH better!
Be strong, and cut him out of your life completely!
Don't look back!
Nicky, I hope you make the right descision for YOU!
Good luck, and please write if you need more advice.
:o)
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I think you should go with your own heart. And from what I heard, you don't really love him anymore and he's dragging you down along with him. You guys may have been great when you first met, but people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes worse. If you don't want to dump him just yet, maybe you should try talking to him. If he lies to you all the same, we all know it's time to let go.
<p>
- The d0rk1e ArchAngel
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Dump him. It sounds like you've done everything in your power to help him through this and it seems like he's just stringing you along. You know what they say? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Get off the road girlfriend. I know you probably have feelings of guilt because you think you are abandoning him, but you have to think of yourself before you think of anyone else. Prioritize and make sure you're at the top of the list.
I used to have a friend that I loved dearly, but no matter what I did I couldn't make things right for her. Eventually, it started eating me up inside until it got to the point when I realized that she wasn't really my friend, that she was just using me. Her life wasn't nearly as bad as what my became.
So please, get out of this relationship before he hurts you more than he already has. And good luck.
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Hi Nicky,
If it was me, I'd run, but I've been in a situation like that and it's not that easy... I had an ex much like yours, he lied, cheated and stole and is now in prison because of it. It took him taking advantage and robbing me to realize what kind of person he really was.
If you suspect he's having an affair, I'd question him & the woman and go from there. If you have even the slightest thought, then I'm sure something is up, intuition is always right. I know what you mean about benifit of the doubt, how it started out so perfect and now it's not. Imagine yourself in 5 years, with him. From the sounds of things now, I can't foresee a good future with him, espically is his credit is bad. I'm not sure what a CCJ is, but if it's associated with credit and is bad, then I'm sure you don't want to be with him. He says that he loves you, but how can he love you and treat you this way?
I think it was a good idea for you to move away from him. For as hard it is and will continue to be, you really should cut your losses with him. Please feel free to send me another message if you even want to talk. Hang in there and good luck.
Emily
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Hi Nicky,
I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. Personally, I wouldn't trust the guy. His past record doesn't speak to highly of him. I'm sorry, but yes it does seem like he's using you. You seem like an intelligent and extremely nice person and deserve far better than him. You don't deserve to be treated like this. The smartest decision you made was moving out in the first place. Don't go back on that. Definitely do not buy a house with him. He seems very unstable and you never want to get involved with a liar either, especially when money is also coming into play. For me at least, trust is the most important thing, if you break that, its over. People can change a little, but not much and once a liar always a liar. All his talk about money just makes me nervous and telling you he sold his house for you??? I'm sorry but it seems to me like this guy only does things for himself. His little mind games should not be tolerated. You do't deserve to be treated like that. There are plenty of nice guys out there. So dump the jerk and move on with your life. Most importantly, if you do decide to break up with him, cut off contact with him. If need be change your number. Otherwise he's going to continue and I, from personal experience, know that its REALLY easy to fall hard on old habits. If he tries to make you feel guilty for anything, remember that you are only responsible for yourself and if he's depressed, let him deal with it. I know its hard because I imagine you care for him a great deal, but he's no good for you. Move on with your life and leave him to do whatever he's going to do, just don't let him bring you down with him. I hope I was of some help. Take care.
~Brooke
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